posted
...Now that I actually start thinking about what two years out my life will entail. I'm one of those stupid kids who, even after having everyone I know advise me otherwise, developed a relationship within the past few months. Now I'm pushing my papers through the interviews and out the door, finishing up this current semester, and getting ready to serve two years in the field.
Problem is, I'm getting really, really scared.
The girl is perfect. She is absolutely the person--not the kind of person, but the person--who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. But she's made it quite clear that a promise of commitment would be too much of a distraction for me on my mission, and as such, has guaranteed nothing. And so I have this gnawing, aching, unrelenting feeling of doom hanging over my head--the feeling that someone is going to come along within the next four semesters and recognize her as I've recognized her, and take the opportunity. I'm seriously dreading the idea of leaving home with her as my girlfriend and coming home to find her being someone else's wife. It's really freaking me out.
I mean, in my faith, getting married has eternal consequences. So if I miss this opportunity with her, it's not just for this life that I have to worry about it. It's forever. I have the weight of the eternities hanging on my shoulders, and it's getting quite heavy.
Anyone here have a similar experience? Any advice? I really have no idea what to expect from this thread, but I just needed to say something to someone, anyone, just to get it out there instead of festering inside of me.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:But she's made it quite clear that a promise of commitment would be too much of a distraction for me on my mission, and as such, has guaranteed nothing.
Good for her.
If she's really the person that you're supposed to be with* (not just that you want to be with -- it's an important distinction), she'll be around when you get back.
*I generally don't believe that there's one person that we're supposed to be with, but I concede that for some people there might be a "the one".
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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1. About five percent of couples who promise to wait and get married after get married. This does include those who promise to wait for more than one person, so the numbers are a little skewed.
2. My two younger brothers and my two cousins all married their sweethearts from before their missions, and none of them did the formal "I'll wait for you" thing - the girls all dated other guys in the meantimes.
You'll love your mission. That she refuses to distract says something very fine about her. Besides the whole noble thing, it also means that she'll put other things in front of her desire to be attached to someone, so the chance actually increases that she'll be available when you come home.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Tell you what, we both go to SVU, so tell me who she is, and I'll make a point to steal her so you don't have that nawing feeling of uncertainty.
Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
Please also remember that you may have some internal, personal changes happen on your mission that make you less compatible with said young lady; she may have personal growth in the same period of time which accomplishes the same thing whether you do or not. If you were together your personal growth might take place in tandem, but if you are apart it is likely to be at least somewhat divergent. If not and you both want to marry when you get back, great. But I think she's wise to make no promises, and you would be wise to think of her as a good friend and focus on your mission, and let what happens, happen.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
In all seriousness, I'm very gratefull that I didn't go on the mission with someone back home who promised to wait for me. It's a distraction, and it tears missionaries up when they don't. I had three seperate companions who dear johned while I was with them, and they were all hopeless for about three days to two weeks afterward. Every time it happenned I was even more grateful that I didn't have to worry about that.
And in almost every case, after a few months the missionaries were glad that they'd been dear Johned, they could focus more, they weren't worried about going home and trying to pick up the pieces or a relationship that had been collecting dust for a few years. They also realized that when they got home they could start fresh, with the wisdom and guidance that they gained on the mission as guidelines for seeking out an eternal companion.
I was serving with one missionary, (And I know several more that did this.) who dear Janed his girlfriend while I was with him. Because he dreaded going home into a complicated relationship where every one would expect him to get married to this girl within a few months.
Your girlfriend is making a wise choice. Take a picture of her, and don't worry.
Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
When I was choosing which college to go to, I got a blessing and it basically said sometimes there are no eternal consequences to your chooses so whatever you pick is fine. I picked a school and met a wonderful man in the dorms there, fell and love and got married (also got a degree and all that stuff). I went back to the man who gave me the blessing and asked, um, how can there be no eternal consequences to my choice. His reply, maybe there was an equally good man at the other school. Don't stress so much about "the one". You might be able to marry her and live happily ever after, but there might be another equally good girl out there.
Posts: 2223 | Registered: Mar 2008
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quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: Please also remember that you may have some internal, personal changes happen on your mission that make you less compatible with said young lady; she may have personal growth in the same period of time which accomplishes the same thing whether you do or not.
posted
Have fun on your mission - you'll meet lots of awesome people in your life, many of which might make perfect mates. People are surprisingly versatile.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
No advice, but I'm saving this thread for the next time someone makes the stupid "You lose nothing by believing" argument.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Stay and make a life with her. You can find spiritual fulfillment in a variety of ways. People are surprisingly versatile.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:I mean, in my faith, getting married has eternal consequences. So if I miss this opportunity with her, it's not just for this life that I have to worry about it. It's forever. I have the weight of the eternities hanging on my shoulders, and it's getting quite heavy.
You are blowing this out of proportion. If this woman does dump you while you are on your mission, it will hurt and it will hurt a lot. But your eternal happiness and salvation does not hang from this. That's not the way the plan works. If you are sincerely striving to be worthy, you won't be denied eternal happiness and kept out of the highest levels of exaltation because of a decision that some one else made.
Our loving Heavenly Father wouldn't have a plan where everything hinged on one choice. Especially one choice that wasn't even an unrighteous choice and certainly not one choice that wasn't even ours.
Trust your Heavenly Father. Seek to know for yourself that He wants you to serve this mission. If he does, trust that He wouldn't ask you to give up your eternal happiness to serve a mission. That is no guarantee that she will be there and ready to marry you when you return. It is a guarantee that whatever happens, God can redeem it and use it to make you a more happy man who is more worthy of salvation.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
Ultimately, it's a question of priority for 777. What is more important, marrying the right person, or going on a mission. Clearly, both have far-reaching consequences, both immediately, and spiritually.
It's hard for me to offer advice in an objective way, because what I want to say isn't what would be well received by many people.
Instead, I'll say that 777 ought to think long and hard, consider why he would want to do different actions, and what the real consequences of various choices will be. Not imagined, worst-case-scenario consequences, but realistic cause and effect.
Then think, what is really most important to 777 - not what other people tell him he SHOULD feel and think, but how he actually feels and things. Tough to separate, at that age and point in life. Important to do so though.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
I'm sorry you're anxious and worried about serving a mission. It sounds like you need to decide what is more important to you right now. You can't know what could or might happen over the next 2 years, but would you rather spend those 2 years on a mission or in your current situation (with this girl)? Personally, I think you're too young to be worrying about "the one" and having "the weight of eternities" on your shoulders. I think it is sad that the church's focus on families can push people into family life when they are unprepared and alienate those who wait or do not start families. I hope you are able to find peace in whatever decision you make.
(I'm a female who served a mission, got married to someone I met after my mission at 24 and had my first child at 30)
Edit: And my first thoughts when I read your post where along the lines of what Rabbit said so eloquently.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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quote:I'm seriously dreading the idea of leaving home with her as my girlfriend and coming home to find her being someone else's wife
You'll both change. Look how much you have changed in the last two years. Now you are going to experience a LOT more in the next two years then you did in the last two.
She will also change. Accept she is gone. Giving her up is part of your choice. Live with it or don't go. You still have that choice--unless she will only marry a RM.
Personally I think you will find "the one." You may even reconnect with your girlfriend, but you will reconnect as two different people.
I do not regret my mission at all. And remember, some of your best friends you haven't even met yet.
Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I have several friends that have gone on missions and several (LDS) friends who have not. The only non-mission-going LDS friends who regret not having gone on a mission are those stayed home for reasons other than a girl. Those who skipped their mission to get married are happy that they did so.
Posts: 3275 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I don't know how God will make me happy from this decision, though I'm willing to go through with it. She doesn't want me to give up on my mission--doing that would kill the relationship immediately--so I guess I'll push forward and take the hard road. The risks are high, the choices few. But I've got faith that God will make me a happy man if I choose the right. How he will do it is still a mystery to me.
Thanks for the posts. They really, really helped.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
If doing what you think God wants you to will make you happy in and of itself, you're set. Otherwise, don't forget that you also get a say in what will make your life happy.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Just from what you've said, which is of course incomplete when compared to the full reality, my advice to you is to work on going along with what she said: try not to let it distract you, and especially don't spend time obsessing over whether or not someone is going to 'take the opportunity'.
Just because she is refusing to make or ask for a commitment doesn't mean a) she's looking for something that will be close to home, or b) that someone will come along and see her in precisely the same way you do. B would be impossible anyway, and even if it could happen it's hardly a given she would feel about them the way she does about you.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Valentine014: If you didn't go and asked her to marry you, would she say yes?
Very important question.
I'm not a Mormon, and I don't know how old you are, but I echo the sentiments here that going on this mission may cause some pretty dramatic changes in who you are--more than might occur in two years at home. I'm 24, and any given two years prior in my life, there have been some pretty dramatic changes in who I am and how I approach things. This includes pretty significant changes in who I'm compatible with, partner-wise.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
To clarify why it would kill the relationship by not going:
She feels--and voices her opinion--that my mission is more important than my relationship with her. If I were to tell her that I'd rather be with her than go on my mission, it'd be like telling her that I don't respect her judgment. I'd most likely be making a major spiritual and moral mistake in her eyes--and such things do not bode well when it comes time for her to find a husband. Odds are she'd opt for an RM over me.
To eliminate that problem, the only solution is to go out there and serve for two years. She expects me to serve, she wants me to serve, and she hasn't even considered the possibility that I would think or say otherwise.
My only hope is what Rakeesh just specified--that no one will come along and try to develop a relationship with her. She's said that while she isn't going to guarantee commitment, she's not looking for marriage, either.
But I've had other friends who, at the beginning of the school year, expressed desires to do other things than get married. A good deal of them are engaged now. So it scares me to think that a full four semesters stand between me and her, and that anything--anything--can happen in that time.
I've made my decision. I'm not necessarily 100% certain that I'll be happy because of it. But it's the best choice I've got.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
A mission is hard all by itself, and it's even harder to leave behind the person you want to spend your life with. I've been there.
I also know that what I gave up by going on a mission is far outweighed by what I gained.
I think you need to ask yourself two questions: how much do you believe that you're supposed to go on a mission, and how much do you believe that God will bless you for obeying him? The question of what to do should be easier once you know the answer to those questions.
Edit: simulpost!
777 -- I wish you luck on your mission. It's imperative that you don't just go on a mission in order to marry this girl. If you go, you need to go in order to serve others and to share the gospel.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I left my highschool girlfriend behind when I went on my mission and we didn't really have any discussion on the waiting aspect. I honestly didn't even expect for her to still be single when I got home but it still stung a bit that she was married 6 months later. To be honest we started growing in different directions when I went out of state for school and she stayed at the local community college.
In hindsight, I'm glad it worked out how it did. She was the "one" for me before my mission but afterwards I had changed a lot and had very different views on life. She and I are still friends and I make a point to see her and her family when I go home and I think we are both happy how it turned out.
quote:To eliminate that problem, the only solution is to go out there and serve for two years. She expects me to serve, she wants me to serve, and she hasn't even considered the possibility that I would think or say otherwise.
I think you need to be making your decision based not on what she wants but rather what you want, not including "her."
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
True. Whether or not you go on your mission should be your choice, not hers. It should also not be a means to an end- that of making yourself marriage material for her. She may not be there when you get back, make the choice for you.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
My best-guess translation of young woman code-speak:
"I think your mission is more important than our relationship" and "a commitment would be too much of a distraction" could both mean "I like you but you better not hinge any important life decisions on this relationship at this point because I'm really not that sure it's going anywhere long term."
Of course the statements could also be taken at face value, but if anything the tone suggests that you might be a bit more head over heels than she is. (hope that doesn't hurt, I am trying to be helpful)
But I completely agree you need to try to set aside expectations & plans of other people and figure out what you want to do. Sounds like you've done that already; good luck.
Posts: 4287 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Having been that girl that someone didn't want to leave, I would not have continued the relatiionship if he had decided to stay for me. There are many, many reasons, but basically part of what attracts me in general is sincerity in discipleship, so I would have been uninterested in someone whose sincerity was shaky enough to toss it aside for a girl, even if that girl was me.
*shrug* Then again, I don't think I was really in love with him anyway, so this may or may not apply.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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quote:"I think your mission is more important than our relationship" and "a commitment would be too much of a distraction" could both mean "I like you but you better not hinge any important life decisions on this relationship at this point because I'm really not that sure it's going anywhere long term."
I think you didn't attend many young women's meetings. Young women in the church are taught from a young age that it is their duty to encourage young men to serve missions, that it would be selfish and unrighteous for them to dissuade a young man from serving a mission to be with them, and that righteous young women should want to marry returned missionaries. There is also a pretty strong cultural taboo (at least among the more independent, intelligent women) against officially waiting for a missionary.
She is saying what young mormon girls are taught they should say. All that means is that her commitment to doing what she has been taught is righteous behavior is greater than her commitment to him. Without knowing the strength of her personal commitment to LDS teachings, its really impossible to judge what that means about how she feels about him.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
I would agree with Porteiro that you need to make this decision between you and God. I also would acknowledge that it can be kind of hard to see God when your heart is eclipsed with love for another person.
I went through an experience of praying to know whether I'd eventually marry a man I was dating who was going on a mission. I didn't like the answer, so I wrote to him anyway -- though it turned out I wasn't the only girl he was writing to, and then I got married really suddenly when he was about 9 months out.
I don't know when I'll ever learn. I did something similar with my job last year.
P.S. God can't make you happy just because you Choose The Right. You receive joy from aligning your will with His and fulfilling his commandments. People quote that "Men are that they might have joy" verse without looking at the context of the rest of the chapter, which explains that there is opposition in all things. Men are that they might have sorrow, so that they will recognize joy.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
This is just my experience, but I doubt I am the only one, but had I not gone on a mission and learned some of the important lessons I learned I do not think I would still be married to woman I married today.
Anybody who says you do not sacrifice to go on a mission is kidding themselves. You certainly risk a high possibility that this particular girl and you will not have a relationship either during or after your mission. I was fortunate in that several months before my mission started, I closed myself off to any romantic relationships, and just said no.
This mission can't be about checking off some proviso this girl has in order for your relationship to continue to mature. When your mission gets hard, and it will, this girl won't be there to help you. If you are not on your mission in order to assist God in His work you will limit what benefits a mission can grant you. At worst you risk getting so caught up in this girl WHILE on your mission that if she breaks up with you, you will take out your frustration on God, and in your irrational state, do something stupid.
I understand that you want to obey God, and you can't help but feel a serious attachment for this girl, but please take some advice from me, focus on cultivating a humble attitude towards God, and worry less about keeping this girl attached to you.
Ill be honest, as far as I have seen, God has a much better track record for rewarding investment than any girl I have met. But these are all things you will find out for yourself.
You will never be totally prepared for a mission or be a perfect missionary, but you can prepare yourself sufficient so that when it's time to stand up, you are ready to learn on day 1.
Make this decision with God, so that if you go or you don't at least it was YOUR decision that YOU made, rather then a decision you made so that some outside party is happier.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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I was seriously dating someone before my mission. It never occurred to me a) not to go, or b) that she would "wait."
She did offer to, but I told her I didn't expect her to, and actually encouraged her not to.
She was still available when I returned, but while we'd written every week, we had grown on 2 divergent paths. We're good friends and stay in touch to this day (14 years later). We attended each other's weddings. . .the whole shebang.
Would it have been a good match had we gotten married? I believe so. But I'm also not sorry with how everything turned out either.
Posts: 1323 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
There were a couple of Elders in my mission who came only to please a girl friend and who spent most of their mission obsessing over their girl friend. They would have been better off staying home. They were not only wasting their time serving a mission, but frequently they were diverting and interfering with their companion's efforts as well.
I made my share of mistakes as a missionary and went through my share of hard times. However, I know I did one thing right that saved me through out my mission. Before I decided to go, I sought the counsel of my Father in Heaven and received a clear and certain answer that serving a mission was what he wanted me to do. Between the day I turned in my papers and the day I received my call, I prayed almost constantly that I might know that I was sent where the Lord wanted me to serve. The answer to that prayer was so clear and unquestionable that no matter how hard things got on my mission, I knew that I was where the Lord wanted me to be and doing what he wanted me to do.
My advice to anyone considering a mission it to do the same. You need to know that this isn't just what your family wants you to do, just what your girl friend wants you to do, just what the church wants you to do or even just what you want to do. The purpose of serving a mission is to serve God. Until you KNOW that this what God wants you to do, you will not be truly effective in serving Him.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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quote:"I think your mission is more important than our relationship" and "a commitment would be too much of a distraction" could both mean "I like you but you better not hinge any important life decisions on this relationship at this point because I'm really not that sure it's going anywhere long term."
I think you didn't attend many young women's meetings. Young women in the church are taught from a young age that it is their duty to encourage young men to serve missions, that it would be selfish and unrighteous for them to dissuade a young man from serving a mission to be with them, and that righteous young women should want to marry returned missionaries. There is also a pretty strong cultural taboo (at least among the more independent, intelligent women) against officially waiting for a missionary.
She is saying what young mormon girls are taught they should say. All that means is that her commitment to doing what she has been taught is righteous behavior is greater than her commitment to him. Without knowing the strength of her personal commitment to LDS teachings, its really impossible to judge what that means about how she feels about him.
I definitely recognize the reflection of LDS teachings in what the young lady said, though you are absolutely right that I didn't attend many of the meetings. None, in fact. I still picked up the gist of this teaching through other meetings / conversations. Anyway, I to tend to give more weight to the idea that there isn't a super-strong attachment on the girl's side, based on what I know about very young adults who DO have very strong attachments. I think both things could be true - it could be a result of adhering to the teachings; LDS young women may be a bit more guarded in their relationships, having received those admonitions.
My opinions on whether anyone should try to choose their spouse around the age of 19, or be admonished about marrying somewhat on the basis of RM status, I think I'll just keep to myself. Posts: 4287 | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:I to tend to give more weight to the idea that there isn't a super-strong attachment on the girl's side.
I guess I don't because I've been friends with the girls and I know quite a few who had super-strong attachment to the guy but still said just what 777's girl friend is saying. A few of them even ended up marrying the guy when he returned from his mission even though they didn't officially "wait" for him.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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quote:My opinions on whether anyone should try to choose their spouse around the age of 19, or be admonished about marrying somewhat on the basis of RM status, I think I'll just keep to myself
I think that in saying that, you've already failed in keeping your opinions to yourself.
I believe we share the same opinions.
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
Just some thoughts as I was reading this. I'm an RM, but I didn't have a girl waiting for me. But, I just felt like giving some examples of my companions.
My MTC companion went on his mission just because of his girlfriend. I could tell that in the MTC, and I told him so (with tact). Unfortunately, he became an unproductive missionary, and probably about a year out, all he thought about was going home. He served two years, and as I understand it his girlfriend waited for him.
While I was with my second companion, his girlfriend felt the two of them were growing in different directions, and dear Johned him. I understand she married before he returned home. However, he was out for the right reasons, and (though depressed for a time) recovered. Afterwards, he met a new girl, and was soon married for eternity.
My second-to-last companion had a girlfriend waiting for him. But he had already figured she was going to send a dear John. but he was okay with that, he was out for the right reasons. She did send it (on dear-John stationary, no less.)
Now for some questions, and other thoughts:
It is better to not be a missionary at all than an unproductive missionary. Of course, it is even better to be a productive missionary. As others have said, make sure you go for the right reasons.
Keep in mind that not everyone is able to go on a mission. I know a few, and it saddens them when girls talk about never marrying anyone but an RM. Not really applicable to you, but I just thought I'd say that.
Not only should you be sure you are going for the right reasons, make sure she is waiting for the right reasons.
by the way, I've said "right reasons" a lot. What I mean is the right reason is putting the Lord first, even over each other. (note also, other reasons are also right, but only if they stem from that.)
And if she ends up marrying someone else? Don't worry about it. She probably isn't the girl you would want to marry anyway. Maybe it's just me, but I would like to marry someone that loves me more than other guys. Maybe that's why I am still single. ... :|
Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2001
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Keep in mind that not everyone is able to go on a mission. I know a few, and it saddens them when girls talk about never marrying anyone but an RM.
I said that! And then I met a wonderful young man who converted to the church while we were dating. For a while, I was a little disappointed about the lack of RM status, but I got over it. We did wait until he went through the temple before getting married though.
Posts: 2223 | Registered: Mar 2008
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quote:Originally posted by King of Men: No advice, but I'm saving this thread for the next time someone makes the stupid "You lose nothing by believing" argument.
Why would anyone serious actually make that argument? You lose plenty by believing. Following Christ is not an easy thing--there are definite sacrifices to be made when you really live for something you believe in that is so fundamentally contrary to what others believe around you.
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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Besides the whole noble thing, it also means that she'll put other things in front of her desire to be attached to someone, so the chance actually increases that she'll be available when you come home.
