posted
I really struggle with accepting criticism in a healthy and positive way.
My first reaction is to take everything personally. I understand that the majority of criticism is meant to be helpful but I still have a very strong emotional reaction. It makes it difficult for me to complete my academic work and stay calm while reading through the edits. I feel like a failure when my martial arts performances are criticized or are met with a poor response. And when my reaction to criticism is criticized, things go from bad to worse.
And this has begun to poison how I deal with all conflict or situtations when I anticipate rejection. For instance, when its time to go out to dinner, I can't even bring myself to choose the restaurant because if the night goes poorly for any reason (bad food, bad waiting staff, etc) I feel responsible. Or if the people I'm dining with reject my suggestion, then I feel bad.
Does anyone have any advice for how to get over this? I try to be more outspoken and unafraid, and I force myself to let friends read my paper, but its hard to keep that behavior up. I always slip back into my old habits.
What can I do or tell myself whenever I take criticism personally? To be serious, I don't understand how people can not react poorly to criticism. I connect so much of my identity to the thoughts I have, the actions I take, that any criticism is essentially personal for me. But maybe I can control my reaction so I don't withdraw or lash out at people who are just trying to help me (or even if they're not trying to help and instead cause trouble, I need to adopt a better reaction.)
I just don't know how to change something so intrinsic to my personality.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I had to make a conscious decision to seek out criticism; i.e., the writer's tactic of "collecting as many rejection letters as you can." I had to make a game of it, wallpaper my bedroom with rejections, just find some way to take charge of it.
I know you've tried to force yourself to seek it out, but for me this had to be a sea change. I had to take control of that vulnerability by defining myself as the person who actively seeks out criticism, who automatically puts herself forward -- being the first to raise my hand in class or ask for a performance review at work. At the beginning it was terrifying, but it became a habit, and habits are much less scary for me than things I dread coming up (even if they are the same experience! ).
I used to be criticized for being too passive. Recently, I've been criticized for being too aggressive. The latter feels like a more comfortable place to be, and it's easier to be told to pull back than to push forward, at least for me. I just hated that shrinking, cringing feeling that was the only way I knew how to get through the world, and I got desperate enough to try anything to change it. You may well not be the cringer I was, though.
I don't know whether this would work for you, but good luck, regardless.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I try to take the approach that things are what they are, regardless of how other people look at them. In other words, when you write a paper, it's done. If you don't show it to anyone, it doesn't get any better or worse, it's already there.
Showing the paper to people and getting their feedback doesn't actually change the quality of what you wrote. You already wrote it, so don't worry about what other people say in their critique.
What criticism does do, is give you a new perspective on your work. To be honest, a lot of criticism is complete junk. So first off, take it with a grain of salt. Second, use the criticism on your own terms. It's a tool for you to use, to help improve your work - nothing more.
If someone uses it as a way to vent their frustrations, or show their jealousy, you can ignore all of that, and only take from it what you want to use to help you improve.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Taking criticism well is something that I see being actually a pretty important life skill, because if people can tell that you take criticism badly they'll walk on eggshells around you and it inspires secretiveness and festering involving interpersonal relationships and they'll often not let you know stuff that you could really benefit from knowing, whether it be trivial stuff (you need a breath mint, your hair's effed up, your fly's down) or more serious stuff (something that's going on that may cause the dreaded Cascading Roommate Relations Failure in time).
I'm not actually a good role model for allowing criticism of some of my works since the stuff I do on an artistic level is stuff that I release essentially anonymously.
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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Seriously, I struggle with this too. I especially agree with the not deciding on restaurants part - that is so me! I find myself apologizing for things that are not my fault...like if the service at the restaurant I chose is bad.
Thing is, like CT, I've had to make efforts to get over it. As a writer, I know I will face it - and I have faced it. As a future teacher, I will be evaluated by my administration and judged every single day by the students I teach and their parents.
So, in other words, I'm a lot like you, I just have to work at it. Sometimes it means putting on a "professional" face, taking the criticism maturely, dealing with it, then unloading on my husband or friends later about how awful it made me feel. The good news here, for you - is that you recognize this is a problem you have, and at risk of sounding trite - that is the first step to dealing with it.
I made a pact myself that I would stop apologizing for things that were not my fault. When I chose a restaurant after one of my daughter's gymnastics meets, and the service was terrible, instead of feeling like I was to blame, I just joined in the critique with everyone else. "Yeah, that server was terrible, wasn't she? When we come back here next year, let's pick a different place." Whereas in the past it would have been more like "I'm so sorry I chose them, they're usually good, I don't know what happened."
Funny thing though - I take critique on my creative writing much better than I do on my academic writing. I actually welcome critique in my creative writing because I'm trying to make it better. In my academic writing, I guess I never plan on re-writing that paper and submitting it again, so I don't like to have it critiqued. I should look at it as the professor is just trying to make my writing better overall, and take it that way. But to be honest, on final papers, I usually just toss them or never pick them up - I won't read the comments because by that time my grade is already in, and it doesn't matter. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Criticism is hard to take. I just had a parent come in and talk to me about concerns she had about the band program at my school. Many of the issues stemmed from things that I said that were misinterpreted and brought home to parents, etc. But a lot of them were issues that I genuinely should work on (finding a balance in music selection between academically appropriate and fun was a biggie).
My issue is that I usually go about my job and life feeling like things are going well, that people think well of me, and so on. Then when someone approaches me with an issue, I start thinking, "how many other people have *thought* all of this or spoken about it amongst themselves but just never talked to *me* about it?"
At the very least, though, I can work to address these issues, so that in the future, theoretically, there will be less for other people to find fault with.
Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
To be honest, while learning to accept criticism is a very difficult task for many, including myself, a huge part of the problem is that most people are very lousy at offering constructive criticism. This means that not only must we learn to accept criticism, we have to learn to stomach criticism that is poorly offered but still valid. We have to learn to see the good amongst the slop the critic could not be bothered to sort through first. A scripture found in my religious texts has been a huge boon in helping me understand how criticism works. In regards criticism, God says,
"Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."
Remove the Holy Ghost bit if you don't believe in such an entity and the advice still stands. Too many people think, "I am saying this for their own good." Or they say, "I wouldn't say this if I didn't care about you so much." Just because you say so does not make it true, it's very hard to keep tabs on ones feelings when criticizing, more often we are more concerned with proving that we are right in what we are saying.
I have found that the onus is on the critic to prove they have a comprehensive view of a situation rather then an exclusively negative one. I don't really have time to give an extended explanation for how we cultivate this ability, but just knowing the principle of following up criticism with love is an important concept that many just don't think about, but which makes alot of sense. At least to me it does.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
A big step for me in giving criticism is to avoid the word "but." It just isn't necessary, and I don't think it ever helps. Say positive things, and say constructive things, and finish with more positive things.
It's a whole package. Setting the constructive part off with a "but" just makes people defensive and/or causes their stomachs to drop because "here it comes, the real part." Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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quote:Originally posted by ClaudiaTherese: A big step for me in giving criticism is to avoid the word "but." It just isn't necessary, and I don't think it ever helps. Say positive things, and say constructive things, and finish with more positive things.
It's a whole package. Setting the constructive part off with a "but" just makes people defensive and/or causes their stomachs to drop because "here it comes, the real part."
You are right on this point Claudia, but your response was lacking in substance, try elaborating more. Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote: My first reaction is to take everything personally. I understand that the majority of criticism is meant to be helpful but I still have a very strong emotional reaction. It makes it difficult for me to complete my academic work and stay calm while reading through the edits. I feel like a failure when my martial arts performances are criticized or are met with a poor response. And when my reaction to criticism is criticized, things go from bad to worse.
You might want to take some time and explore why you react this way. I'm going to assume your self confidence is not as high as it could be. You might want to start building up your confidence in yourself and see where that leads you.
Posts: 1918 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I've found it helpful to look for the constructive bits in criticism, and then actively try to incorporate those points. That way, it turns the otherwise negative experience of being told you're doing something poorly into an opportunity to do something better than you have done it before.
The trick is to turn on your criticism filters so you let the negative bits pass through you. You have to sift out the kernels that you can use for a positive change. I think it takes some practice. But it's up to you, ultimately, to learn how to sift it out.
If you try to find the positive core of every critique, it might make it easier in the future to hear it in the first place.
Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Shanna, I think it's important to determine where your negative emotional response to criticism comes from. A lot of what people believe are immutable emotional reactions really have cognitive thoughts that lead to them. You may be able to identify these thoughts and learn to recognize and challenge them when they occur, which could lead to a more constructive emotional response.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
I agree with BlackBlade that many people suck at giving criticism. Often, the right phrasing can make criticism easier for someone to take. "I" statements such as, "I did not feel compelled to read past your opening paragraph because the description of the sunset, while beautiful, did not provide any tension." Specific, honest, and completely phrased as an opinion. May still sting a bit, but definitely goes over better than, "Your first paragraph was boring."
But in the real world, you need to learn to deal with both approaches.
I wish I could make it easier for you. I can empathize. It took lots of practice and for me, one of the things that helped was e-mail feedback. Obviously, this won't work with martial arts but with writing (I started with short stories and then moved on to my novels), it is very possible to send manuscripts through e-mail and receive feedback that way. Then, when you get the response you can fume and yell and tell the critiquer how blind they are not to understand your creative brilliance. Get it all out of your system and then come back the next day and realize that really, they had a few good points. And maybe that was the worst thing of all -- not that they didn't like what you did but that deep down you know they have a point.
You aren't perfect. I don't know you, but I'm sure you're not.
You'll never be perfect.
If you're setting goals of perfection then that may be your first problem.
Set realistic goals and every day seek to take another baby step closer.
Posts: 2392 | Registered: Sep 2005
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I'm terrible with criticism too. Recieving it, I mean. I'm good at giving it. *eyeroll*
We need to have the perspective of others sometimes, but when we accept the perspective of others ALL the time, especially when it's unwarranted, then I think criticism wears out its welcome and we can forget our ability to sift through for the positive.
It's also hard to gracefully accept criticism when we put ourself into things, and it seems like part of our psyche is living in the thing we made. It's so...personal. They are personally criticizing your personal person; how can you not take that personally?
I think the first step in recieving criticism well is knowing and trusting the source.
I know eventually *I* need to be able to handle any amount of abuse from any old joe, but for now, if the person isn't qualified to criticize me, and isn't offering to help, for self-preservation purposes I just refuse to let it in.
Sorry, I don't want this to sound all talk-therapy-ish.
So maybe you need to feel like you have firmly defended boundaries, so that you can be the final arbiter of what you'll "hear" and what you'll ignore?
Because accepting every criticism out there and being a whipped dog afterward isn't very productive, either.
I think, or I hope, there is a way to be meek and humble and teachable without losing a sense of self-preservation.
*edited to add:
Shanna, you're asking for advice in a discussion forum. I think that makes you braver and tougher than you give yourself credit for. Posts: 575 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
one of the things that I find helpful and hasn't been touched on much so far is this:
I think it's important to at least partly disassociate yourself from the things you do. It's easier in the context of homework or work products, but can be done to some extent or another with anything.
Example: internally realize that your choice of restaraunt does not define you. If you happen to choose poorly it doesn't make you a worse person, it has no bearing on how you perform in the other aspects of your life, etc. Similarly, if your martial arts work isn't perfect it doesn't mean that you aren't an otherwise lovely person...
It also helps to admit that anything you do isn't going to be absolutely perfect. Every decision we make and thing we do is at most "the best I could come up with at the moment." When you turn in your essay you have to recognize that it is the product of what you could do in the time allotted and with the knowledge and resources you had around... if you had infinite time to practice and unlimited access to the best sensei in the world, then yor martial arts might be perfect, but since neither of those is true, then you always have to accept that there will be at least some things not perfect about what you do. Expect that, and things won't sting as much.
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote:Shanna, you're asking for advice in a discussion forum. I think that makes you braver and tougher than you give yourself credit for.
My self-esteem must be low because when I read this I immediately thought, "Oh no, was I wrong to post here? A plea for advice being requested from a discussion forum where others debate much more important topics. Argh, what was I thinking?!?!"
The biggest problem right now is that I'm beginning to lash out at people. It would be one thing if I just heard all the criticism and let my negativity fester inside of me. It wouldn't be a good thing, but its certainly preferred to my the more aggressive approach I've been taking.
Maybe I just feel so down on myself that the only response I'm making now is the most extreme and its seriously damaging my relationships and my success in the world. Its just so hard working a job that I enjoy but making no money. My boyfriend and family have been so willing to help me out but I hate being so indebted to them. And I hate myself for dragging my education out so long and disappointing everyone.
So when I hear criticism, it just reinforces that dark little voice in my head. I am a perfectionist but nowadays I'm not failing to be perfect, I'm failing to be halfway-decent. I feel like I can't stop screwing up and my spirit is gone. I hear the criticism, especially the claims made about my character, and it just breaks me down because I agree with it and assume that everyone is as disappointed in me as I am with myself.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Shanna, I hope you don't mind me butting in (since I'm unfamiliar here) but when I said that you're brave for asking for advice here, I meant that you're braver than ME.
What you describe is how I've felt before. It's a feedback loop. I have periodic depressions, but I hardly ever recognize depression as depression--depression alters my thinking enough I don't recognize it. Sneaky, eh?
Instead, my red flag is what you're saying--Nothing I do is good enough; my offering is not enough. I can't stop screwing up.
It's an ugly and evil place to be. And when I'm in that little cave, and wearing my little perfectionism hairshirt, I am really vulnerable to criticism.
One of the less-helpful things we sometimes tell ourselves is that if we are really good/strong/tough, then we will cheerfully take criticism and internalize it, even if it's not really constructive. And you can't depend on what the critics say, to determine if it's constructive or not--because most critics think their criticism is constructive. Even when it isn't.
There is a difference between sitting around and feeling bad about percieved failures, and actually being able to change for the better. I find I need to take a light-hearted view of my personal screw-ups, just so I can get happy enough to make a change for the better.
That's personal criticisms. It's hard to build a wall between having issues with that, and issues with recieving professional/academic criticism. When we're vulnerable, it all feels like the same thing, right?
And that's where my advice ends and my sympathy begins, because I've been working on the personal-criticism thing the past few years, but have yet to tackle the pro/academic criticism problem.
Is it possible for you to find someone who can criticize your work--gently? And make sure you know they still like you?
I have a couple of very kind and generous friends online that I practice being a grown-up person with, and I'm only sort of joking about that.
I have a really hard time with feeling like any mistakes are forgivable, so I set minimums--with an essay, I rejoice in having good spelling, say. I embrace mediocrity. It doesn't inspire some people, but it works for me.
posted
I do have people are are willing to gently offer criticisms and advice. They dial down their objectivity and try to be sensitive. My boyfriend has made great sacrifices in his attempts even though he is a "thinker" as much as I'm a "feeler." But its hard to ask everyone to be so easy on me all the time. I know its because they see a great potential in me and that should make me feel proud, but it doesn't because I feel like I'm never ready for the stronger opinions when they think I am. Like someone mentioned above, people having to walk on eggshells is harmful to all involved.
I do have this cycle of slipping into depression, dragging myself out, enjoying a few months of new confidence and success, but then I slip back in again. There were months when I got tons of writing done and was finally willing to let those closest to me (and therefore the scariest) read my work. But then my momentum ran down and I'm back in a whole where my slip-ups can't be laughed at. My slow academic work is seriously affecting the lives of people close to me (whether its financially or because they want to move but know that I can't come along until I'm done.) My angry reactions push people away when I need them most and I fear people realizing that I'm too much drama and finally being rid of me for good.
I try to laugh. I try to work. I pray everyday that I can recover from each mistake. And every criticism and harsh, but necessary advice is like a kick in the face while trying to climb back on to the ledge from which I'm hanging.
I'm just tired and I feel like I'm becoming more and more sensitive and taking steps backwards everyday.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
The key for accepting criticism, for me, is to turn off my natural inclination to get defensive. I have to consciously push down that instinct to explain or rationalize every criticism I get.
Seems to be working, but I don't know how easy it would be for someone else.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I just need to adopt the attitude I have toward my fiction writing to every other aspect of my life. I don't mind criticism of my fiction. I WELCOME it. I'm grateful people took the time to point out flaws so I can fix them.
Thing is, I believe motivation is the key. I had a professor tell me I was better than the paper I turned in and point out its flaws for me. I appreciated that. But, unfortunately, many times when people are being critical they are not doing it to help the other person. They're lashing out, either to cover up their own insecurities or to cause hurt or pain. That's the type of criticism I should just dismiss, but unfortunately, I take it personally, which I should not.
The good news is, I can usually hold myself together under a facade of professionalism and not let the other person know I've been hurt by what they said. Later, though, either alone (usually in the car) or when I'm with my husband in private, I'll fall apart and get upset. I still need to work on just dismissing it and letting it go.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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THe worst part, to me, of BEING me, is the expectation that Me is going to drastically change, and soon.
Then I had a bishop that I was talking to, and he said, "I have depression. Even when I'm obedient and doing the right things, sometimes I pray rubber prayers and I'm just unhappy, until it lifts again. And it always comes back."
Oh.
After that, I stopped seeing my drama queen-ness as "wrong" and began to accept it as my "normal".
And it's not as much of a problem now.
Criticism is the mind-killer....let it flow over you and through you...when it is gone, only you will remain.
Or something like that. Posts: 575 | Registered: Jan 2004
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