posted
Based on the comments so far, I have decided to withdraw this post.
Part of the purpose of this story was to see if I could put my voice into a character and write from a POV that was entirely unlike myself. Based on the responses, I guess I succeeded, perhaps too well.
For those who read the post and took the time to comment, I appreciate your candid feedback.
Thanks
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 23, 2007).]
My only complaint at the moment would be that the main hook for me is the "dark sci-fi" in the topic title. That makes me want to see how this is going to develop into a sci-fi tale. Without that knowledege, I'd just think this was another mainstream story about a pimp.
But, like I said, I like the writing, nice and clear and to the point. I'll read if you like
The hook is about whether I care enough about the situation to continue. Tina is almost an object the way you have introduced her, she hasn't even winced. I have nothing to care about except my own personal repugnance about men who use and abuse women so...but that is something outside of what you have written. Do I care about her? Not really, from your description she could be a dead body...there is no life in her.
Bobby, the pimp, is not a nice guy, and I already am not enjoying his POV, he has no worthwhile redeeming features. I think if you removed the dropping the price bit or at least had him considering it, but discarding the idea as UNPLEASANT he may come across as a POV I could live with. A sort of pimp with a half-decent side. It's a fine line doing POV's of nasty characters.
Not sure I am pulled in yet.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 23, 2007).]
Monstewer: You're right. This isn't actually sci-fi in that sense. It's set in the future, but that's it... No aliens, no cloning... Just a character examination of a VERY unsavory person...
Skadder: I know...Bobby has very few redeeming attributes, but of those his character does have, they are explored further in the story.
Too bad I can't change the title of the post, because then it would read, "Dark mainstream story..." I guess adding a phaser and some mentions of plasteel don't a science fiction story make...
Thanks to both of you for your honest feedback.
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 23, 2007).]
posted
My take (maybe coloured by the fact that I'm female?). I thought the opening description overly sexualized. He's her pimp, and he's concerned about bruises and pinches. But that's not what he sees, or even searches her body for in the opening line. Instead, we're told about her pink nipples and her pubic hair--features which, surely, he would be expecting to see, and probably has seen hundreds of times.
Otherwise, i agree with the others here. The MC is not the least bit likable, and there's no hook for me. I don't see where this is going. If it's a story of redemption, I'm not sure I'm going to stick around long enough to see it happen.
I don't know that we have to like the MC right away, but I do think you have to give us something. Make him unusual somehow. Different. Right now, he's acting like a typical pimp--well, not that I would know, but he's acting like I'd expect a typical pimp would. But I don't want to read about a typical pimp. So, give us some specificity or uniqueness to care about him. In other words, make him a person, not just a pimp.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 23, 2007).]
posted
Skadder actually touched on the one thing I was gonna say - IS Tina dead? It wouldn't surprise me if the next bit is Tina not answering, put it that way.
Anyway, I'm not sure I would read on. There's nothing really wrong with the prose, it's just that your POV character is a slimeball (watching her silently, staring at her small pink nipples, etc - that's not the kind of thing I enjoy reading). With that in mind, I think annepin's right about the opening being overly sexual.
Nevertheless, that's just personal preference - there's nothing too bad about the writing itself, which is always a plus.
Hope this helped .
Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited December 23, 2007).]