Part of the purpose of this story was to see if I could put my voice into a character and write from a POV that was entirely unlike myself. Based on the responses, I guess I succeeded, perhaps too well.

For those who read the post and took the time to comment, I appreciate your candid feedback.

Thanks

My only complaint at the moment would be that the main hook for me is the "dark sci-fi" in the topic title. That makes me want to see how this is going to develop into a sci-fi tale. Without that knowledege, I'd just think this was another mainstream story about a pimp.

The hook is about whether I care enough about the situation to continue. Tina is almost an object the way you have introduced her, she hasn't even winced. I have nothing to care about except my own personal repugnance about men who use and abuse women so...but that is something outside of what you have written. Do I care about her? Not really, from your description she could be a dead body...there is no life in her.

Bobby, the pimp, is not a nice guy, and I already am not enjoying his POV, he has no worthwhile redeeming features. I think if you removed the dropping the price bit or at least had him considering it, but discarding the idea as UNPLEASANT he may come across as a POV I could live with. A sort of pimp with a half-decent side. It's a fine line doing POV's of nasty characters.

Not sure I am pulled in yet.

Monstewer: You're right. This isn't actually sci-fi in that sense. It's set in the future, but that's it... No aliens, no cloning... Just a character examination of a VERY unsavory person...

Skadder: I know...Bobby has very few redeeming attributes, but of those his character does have, they are explored further in the story.

Too bad I can't change the title of the post, because then it would read, "Dark mainstream story..." I guess adding a phaser and some mentions of plasteel don't a science fiction story make...

Thanks to both of you for your honest feedback.

Otherwise, i agree with the others here. The MC is not the least bit likable, and there's no hook for me. I don't see where this is going. If it's a story of redemption, I'm not sure I'm going to stick around long enough to see it happen.

I don't know that we have to like the MC right away, but I do think you have to give us something. Make him unusual somehow. Different. Right now, he's acting like a typical pimp--well, not that I would know, but he's acting like I'd expect a typical pimp would. But I don't want to read about a typical pimp. So, give us some specificity or uniqueness to care about him. In other words, make him a person, not just a pimp.

Anyway, I'm not sure I would read on. There's nothing really wrong with the prose, it's just that your POV character is a slimeball (watching her silently, staring at her small pink nipples, etc - that's not the kind of thing I enjoy reading). With that in mind, I think annepin's right about the opening being overly sexual.

Nevertheless, that's just personal preference - there's nothing too bad about the writing itself, which is always a plus.

Hope this helped .

Daniel.