Heroism comes in many forms. It does not always garner praise, and is not always recognized. Such was the case of the one we knew as Timerian Ghota. In the end he made the ultimate sacrifice to save fifty strangers from certain death. But no one celebrated Ghota’s heroic act. Indeed, no one even knew that he had given his life, or that the fifty he saved had been in mortal peril. No one knew, except me.

My name is James McNeil. I am the psych officer on the SAS Vladimir Komarov.

I stop here out of respect for the 13 line limit. The second paragraph continues to explain about the ship, and the series of events that start the action of the story. But the point is, does the first paragraph help, or just delay things unnecessarily?

Another idea would be to make it longer, change it up a bit and add it as a prologue.

It very much looks to me as though James McNeil is not going to be the main character here, rather, that he is a first person narrator of Timerian Ghota's story, like Nick narrating the story of Gatsby. If this comparison is accurate, then I would say that an opening paragraph like this, though perhaps not revealing exactly this information in exactly these words, is quite necessary. This paragraph tells us why James is telling this story, if not all his reasons, and makes the first person narrative frame of the story a convincing illusion that draws us into the word of the story. Insofar as James seems like a believable narrator, we believe in the story he tells.

If the above is not the case, then my endorsement has to be suspended, though not necessarily withdrawn. But I am moved to believe that the story, even if it is not precisely what I describe above, will still be quite good because you break the first rule of unpublishable newbie writing, which is thus written:

THOU SHALT GO TO RIDICULOUS LENGTHS TO HIDE THE POINT OF YOUR STORY TILL THE READER HAS LOST INTEREST AND MOVED TO ANOTHER STORY.

The fact that you break this rule with flair and without subjecting us to a summarization of the story you're about to tell makes me credit that even if the story you tell is not conventional, it will be well told.

With the overall approval and reasons for it disposed of, let me say that there are some nits I will pick.

"Such was the case of the one we knew as Timerian Ghota."

Unless it is going to be revealed that Timerian Ghota was not in fact his name (or for some reason shouldn't have been his name), and this is going to be a vital point in the story, then don't say "the one we knew as". And I mean important, like his real name was Korvaditch Treldanka, which would have meant that he was a Skredeanian prince and thus could only serve in the SAS by completely changing his identity.

When you use the phrases "ultimate sacrifice" and "certain death" in parallel like that, it pushes a line that "the one we knew as" has already crossed, thus sensitizing us. It probably isn't too bad in itself, but coming hard after "the one we knew as" (assuming here that this is indeed justifed and will be kept) it rings of cliche...or at least larding the lauds on a bit thick. That possibly applies to the passage as a whole, but reining in just those passages would probably fix it. Same for "mortal peril", just a bit early in the narrative for us to buy such a ringing phrase. Of course, the frame of the story does seem to be along the lines of a hagiographic portrayal, but possibly for a man that was regarded as less than exemplary in life, which would need to nullify the impulse to lay the heroic lauds on so thick at the outset.

I could pick at the other sentences, but that's all it would be, pickyness. The final line particularly works well with the one just before it, the first use of the direct first person "me." In any other context I would probably find fault with it, but here it fits in the the context quite well.

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It very much looks to me as though James McNeil is not going to be the main character here, rather, that he is a first person narrator of Timerian Ghota's story, like Nick narrating the story of Gatsby.

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Why yes, that is exactly the situation. Although at the end there is some ambiguity about who really is the main focus of the story. The story is clearly a chronicle of events in which Timerian is central. But it turns out to be as much about McNeil's journey as Timerian's.

You say,

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Unless it is going to be revealed that Timerian Ghota was not in fact his name (or for some reason shouldn't have been his name), and this is going to be a vital point in the story, then don't say "the one we knew as".

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And in fact, the question of identity is a key issue in the story -- and not just Timerian's identity, either.

You say,

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When you use the phrases "ultimate sacrifice" and "certain death" in parallel like that, it pushes a line ....

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And if it were hyperbolic that would be true. But as the story unfolds, it is seen that these phrases are actually a more or less objective description of what Timerian did, and why.

Of course, every now and then he's very clearly looking back on that attitude with dismay at his own prior obtuse blindness, but he must remember that he's talking to an audience that is still somewhere nearer that attitude than he now is.