posted
This is my thingie I've been working on. It's the prologue of a fantasy where the 'Legislator' is forced to go to Quante and his incidents there.
quote: "Legislator," began the President. "Have you received any message from C17.4-- ah, Quante?"
"No." The word was tired, for the man who spoke it had received but little rest. The President sighed, nodded, and disconnected from the Legislator's computer. It returned to the default blue desktop that had been around forever, unbroken only by a small default application dock at the bottom of the screen. He could have changed it, but he didn't care. He moved from place to place too often. He could worry about personalizing things later. Maybe.
His wife, a beautiful woman, entered the room with a yawn. She grinned sleepily as her husband yawned in return, then embraced him.
"Who was it?" she murmured, her words slightly muffled as she snuggled her head against his shoulder. He felt the familiar fluttering in his breast. _Ah, the beauty of youth,_ wheezed a voice in his memory. _That love won't last long, especially when you get old. And you get old fast, let me tell you. Enjoy it while you can. Hee, hee!_ Good old Pa. A little crazy, perhaps, especially when his wife had divorced him only a few short years after marriage, but he was sharp as a tack when it came to business.
Note from Kathleen: Because this is in a quote box with narrower margins, I gave you a few more lines than 13.
[This message has been edited by Fahrion Kryptov (edited February 20, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 20, 2004).]
posted
1. Words don't get tired. That's a state reserved for the people who speak them.
2. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the "voice in his head" segment. Those usually seem to do the exact opposite of what they're supposed to do, at least for me. They pull me out of the story, distance me from the character, instead of drawing me in and putting me in the character's head. Maybe because it's seems very unreal to me. How often do you actually hear a clear voice like that when some memory is brought up? Maybe I'm the odd one out, but that doesn't really happen to me, so it seems fake and contrived to me.
That being said, I like this opening overall. It does make me want to turn the page and keep reading.
posted
Sorry, one more thing. Do we really need the explanation of Pa's organization? Seems a little out of place here.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Okay, now I'm about to admit to being stupid about this...I can't really tell who is who here. Obviously, the POV character (in whose head a person named Pa seems to live part time) is either the Legislator or the President right?
Not only did I not get a clear idea from the first few lines who the POV is supposed to be, I still don't really know after reading this pretty carefully...three times. I don't know whether the guy with the beautiful wife (note later) was the legislator or the president (and in point of fact, I had a little bit of trouble being sure he was the POV character).
And before any of you yahoos make fun of me, I want to you submit your opinion of which character is the POV in writing.
About "a beautiful woman," work your comment on her beauty into his observation of her action a little more. Say she yawned beautifully or something...I guess this isn't a very important comment, but since I mentioned it I thought I should mention it
posted
OK, after going over this a FEW times I have come up with a guess on the POV character. Is it the President? I think it is? OK, that is what I'm going with, The President. Just foolin' with ya! (it is the President right?)
Seriously, I think it would help to call him President Clinton or Lincoln or Bush, not those exact names, but name him something other than just "President". Then use his name again later so we know if it is truly him as the POV character.
Same thing goes for the "Legislator", give him a name to go along with his title.
This is interesting and with a little more fleshing out, this would hook me into reading on.
Thinking about it now... I just went over your beginning again and I am not sure about my earlier POV guess. I am with Survivor, I am confused!
posted
I'm guessing the legislator because the 'it' at the end of line two of the second paragraph must refer to his computer. A line detailing the Legislator's thoughts on the end of their conversation would help ease the problem, and so would maybe starting a new paragraph.
I'd suggest the same thing about the 'voice in his head' section too. Splitting it into a couple of paragraphs would help make it clearer.
I agree with TruHero's comment about a name for the Legislator but I think leaving the name of President is good because it is in keeping with how the Legislator would likely view him (provided the legislator is your POV character of course).
That element of confusion aside, I quite liked it as an introduction though.
[This message has been edited by Gwalchmai (edited February 21, 2004).]
quote:I agree with TruHero's comment about a name for the Legislator but I think leaving the name of President is good because it is in keeping with how the Legislator would likely view him
I'll back this up with an example I read just this morning in John Nance's Skyhook. In the scene with the President, he is referred to only as "the President," but the others are fully named.
Odd note: Kinda strange seeing 'Skyhook' in Nance's title, since that's part of one of the names of a ship in my project. It's a sign! (I know. Yeah, right. )
posted
Ok, I also think that the POV is the Legislator, has to be right???? Please tell me!!!
If I am wrong then i worry about the president referring to himself as the president. If I am right then I worry about the Legislator referring to himself as the Legislator, and not knowing his wife's name. Ok i know some couples call each other "Wife" or "Husband" but is he really a quaker sort? Can see some scary conversations coming up.
posted
The Fragment is not as complete as when I first entered it. The POV is the legislator. He is the legislator of Quante, and will have to explore the disappearances of certain 'ambassadors.'
Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2002
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