posted
Bernard didn't much like the taste of polished steel. That's what he discovered when the barrel of the handgun touched his tongue. It tasted bitter, made the muscles in his mouth tighten up and cramp in protest. Must be the chemicals that somebody used to clean it. It was like sucking on a chemical lollipop. Nasty taste.
He wouldn't have to taste it for very long. Bernard pulled the hammer back and felt it click into firing position...
Which best describes your reaction to the above opener?
A. Sweet, this story is going to be totally tough.
B. [rolls eyes] a little overdone on the hard-boiled, tough-guy stuff, don't you think?
C. Other:________________________________(Please explain.)
posted
The very first sentence grabbed me. This was a very good opener, IMO.
I didn't think "tough guy" at all, though. I mostly just wondered if he was going to pull the trigger and why. In fact, suicide never brings images of "tough guy" to my mind at all. In this country, it has the stigma of cowardice, though I personally disagree with that analysis. (I don't find it to be brave or anything...mostly just immensely sad.)
I've seen a lot of mag guidelines say "no suicide please" but I wonder if even they would keep reading past these paragraphs just to see what's going on. It really pulls.
posted
Disturbingly enough, I couldn't keep from chuckling appreciatively these opening lines are so good!
But my reaction would be under Other. I don't know if I could come up with an instant reaction as succinct as those you provided either. But DARN! I would give my eye teeth to find out what's going to happen next and to find out what happened to bring this person so callously to this point that all he's thinking about is the taste of the gun barrel.
SOOOOO... If you just happen to be looking for readers...
Edit, edit, edit. I'm going to get the hang of these UBB codes one of these days.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited June 07, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited June 07, 2004).]
posted
I'll go with "C." Nice hook. Now we're waiting for the uppercut. Too many "its," though. If this guy pulls the trigger, I'm wondering if this'll be flash fiction. Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
More to the point, a handgun doesn't taste bitter, and usually is either has a carburized or nickle plated finish. The usual light oils that you clean it with don't taste bitter either. If the barrel hasn't been properly maintained, then it might taste tangy, and if it has been properly maintained then it will probably taste like sewing maching oil or vaseline (i.e. have a strong non-taste).
I'm guessing that he's about to pull a Woody Allen and miss somehow. I guess that would count as C. a little [i]under[i]done on the hard-boiled, tough-guy stuff.
posted
Well, Survivor, to be honest, using tangy instead of bitter would not convey the emotion of the scene properly, however realistic it might be. For that matter, if he had said "tangy" i would have found it less ealistic....reality in fiction is often a matter of perception rather than reality, as I have recently come to discover.....long story, won't mention it here.
And hopefully, the vast majority of us have no idea what handguns really taste like. Those who use them might know what oils are used to clean them with, but how would they know what those chemicals taste like?
Your parents didn't give you firearms to teethe on?
That explains SOOO much. . .
The opening line had punch. But there's just something about a suicide story that turns me off. I hoped that someone had put the gun in his mouth, and then we'd have a clever escape story. . .
I thought that this opening was very interesting, and humorous and very REAL. I liked how his mind was wandering and examining his senses while he was doing something so dangerous. His matter-of-fact approach was almost child-like, and well, human. (As a side note, I wouldn't read on, but that's because I'm a big baby-- I can't handle suicide. I had a beloved cousin end his life in a similar way. Not something I want to re-live. )
~L.L.
[This message has been edited by Lullaby Lady (edited June 08, 2004).]
posted
I don't think I'd ever utter the words, "Sweet, this story is going to be totally tough," so I'll have to pick C, too. It's a great opening hook in that it immediately rouses my curiousity and makes me want to find out what happens. Keep 'em reading, that's the goal.
Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
"The opening line had punch. But there's just something about a suicide story that turns me off. I hoped that someone had put the gun in his mouth, and then we'd have a clever escape story. . ."
...or a great book/movie called Fight Club. Thats what this opening reminded me of, execpt the main guy had someone else shoving a gun down his throat.
I'm not a fan of the wording of the first two sentances. I would write it as " When the barrel of the handgun touched his toungue, Bernard found he didn't much like the taste of polished steel."
However, that kinda takes the punch away from teh first line. But the second sentance just seems akward to me. Mabye there's another way around it. Mabye im the only one bothered by it.
But yes, if this story is finshed, send it on over if you want.
[This message has been edited by Eric Sherman (edited June 08, 2004).]
posted
For those of you who are squeamish about suicide, the story ends with Bernard still alive. Sorry, though, no clever escape, and no metaphysical "Fight Club" moment. Just a good, old-fashioned decision not to do it.
And I'm definitely NOT going to say the gun tasted tangy or like vaseline. Sometimes the facts can obscure the truth.
[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited June 08, 2004).]
posted
Well, I'm just quibbling with "bitter" "chemical lollipop" and "polished steel."
As I said, "tangy" would only apply if the gun wasn't properly maintained.
Just a good ol' fashioned decision not to go through with it? This assumes either that a) he had no compelling reason to commit suicide, or b) he wouldn't commit suicide even when faced with a compelling reason.
posted
This really caught my attention as an opening, no question I would want to read more. However, I looked at this days ago and did not comment. I thought that what bothered me was a matter of lacking information, but Survivor is right about the taste, you clean guns with oil not chemicals and it did distract me. Days ago when I read it I justified the taste by figuring it was a futuristic story and that this gun and the cleaning chemicals were simply something I was not familar with. One more thought, metal tasting bitter doesn't bother me.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited June 09, 2004).]
posted
Oh for crying out loud! Gun-blueing, which makes guns black, has a particuarly foul taste. It's supposed to be wiped completely off, but just assume that it hasn't been.
If you are wondering why I know, I use it to turn puppet rods black and had some on my hands when I pulled hair out of my mouth. It is foul, foul, foul.
Besides that, others have said what I would say about the writing.
posted
You also put blueing in washing machines to make clothes whiter. I heard they also put it in rice dishes on tv to make the rice whiter, but not to eat. Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
OK, just to relieve all of the back and forth, I licked my .22 -- bitter, metallic taste. I couldn't taste any oil, most likely since it hasn't been cleaned in a while. There was a slight gunpowder-residuey smell/taste as well. So I think your right on track. Chemical, may only apply to the metallic sort of sour/bitter taste, akin with tasting blood or putting a 9 volt on your tongue (does that make sense?). If that is what your after then, sure, it works.
Now that you all think I am wierd. I say, when in doubt, try it out.
posted
Thanks TruHero. Way to take one for the team. If I only had a gun I suppose I could have sucked on it for awhile myself, but alas, I'm gunless.
I must say, that's not really the part of this opener I thought would inspire conversation. Survivor, you're probably the only person on the planet who would read that and think, "Yeah right, guns don't taste bitter." I just kind of assumed most readers would (A) not know what guns taste like and (B) not care what guns taste like.
[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited June 14, 2004).]
posted
Truehero...that was very, er, nice of you. Hmmm.....So, if I was writing a story about the sesantion of free falling from ten thousand feet and suddenly discovering that I had left my parachute behind....
wetwilly, I think for most of us we did a) not know what guns tasted like and b) did not care to find out. This is different from just not caring what guns tasted like. If you had chosen any other adjective except bitter, I think it ould have given me pause to think and broken the rythm of the story. I would probalby have given you some other adjectives, but only bitter would I have given you without giving it too much though.
posted
Bernard didn't much like the taste of polished steel. That's what he discovered when the barrel of the handgun touched his tongue. It tasted of cardomon, with a hint of oak. Hungarian, he thought, from the smoky vanilla flavor that mingled with a taste of dark cherry.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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I wish you would have said that earlier so we wouldn't have to have had this discussion about what guns taste like. Could have saved some people from making themselves look dumb.
Bernard didn't much like the taste of polished steel. That's what he discovered when the barrel of the handgun touched his tongue. It tasted like that yucky cough medicine that dear old mum was always trying to pour down his throat. Grape-flavored my arse, he thought. Try crap-flavored. Bernard decided he would probably refrain from tasting yucky gun barrels in the future.
posted
Hahaha! Mary and Willy, I think you're definitely on to something!
Bernard didn't much like the taste of polished steel. That's what he discovered when the barrel of the handgun touched his tongue. Boogers. That's what it tasted like. But then, how would he know? He hadn't eaten boogers since he was three and a half. So how, exactly, did those guys at Jelly Belly know how to flavor the booger flavored Bertie Bott's Beans in those overpriced little bags in the bookstores? 'Ah, well,' he thought. 'Doesn't really matter anymore, does it.'
posted
I quess that taste is a pretty subjective thing then. I don't ever recall thinking that a gun barrel tasted bitter.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I didn't consider suicide when I read it. It doesn't say that HE put the gun in his mouth, does it? Instead, I was wondering how such a character could be so coldly analytical while a weapon was so close to his brain. I kind of liked that story more than the suicide thing. More gripping if the character can be likeable, and the typical puling story of a suicidal character just doesn't do it for me.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Christine, You know it's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing! The free-fall would be great, the splat at the end -- not so much. The old addage:"If the chute don't open, the next jump is free!" might apply, but my 'try it out' attitude only goes so far.
posted
Sorry Rahl, the story is already written, and it's suicide. Well, not really, but it's more suicide than what you thought of. You're more than welcome to write the the one you thought it was, though. Maybe in your story, the gun can taste like a gun SHOULD taste, to satisfy all the people who have tasted guns before.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I think the point of suicide vs potential murder is that the first paragraph doesn't make it clear. I also thought that someone else was shoving the gun into his mouth until:
quote:Bernard pulled the hammer back and felt it click into firing position...
So when I got to that line, it was a bit jarring. Similar to a POV shift. It sounds like most people interpreted it in the suicide manner right off, but enough people didn't that it's worth fixing.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
I just read the whole thing. First impressions: EEEEEWWWW!!! Lots of gore and the Phillipe's final gesture of comradery. UGH! Also, who or what are the Hegemon?
Still reading, still going to send a more thorough critique.
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