The twin doors of the great hall swung open with a ponderous groan. They were heavy, iron-bound, and old. Years of use had affected their massive hinges, setting the doors at slightly odd angles to one another. They no longer fit their massive frame perfectly, though no one seemed to notice such things of late. Nearly five centuries after being erected, the twin wooden sentinels continued to scrape a broad path in the stone floor. The noise was a grating symbol of age. Flagstones under and before the broad threshold were smooth from years of regular friction. It was an ever-present reminder that time can conquer even the strongest stone and most cunning craftsmanship. The great doors were physical proof of the Realm’s failing strength—of its antiquity.
This was evident to some who strode across the stone floor of the great hall, but not all. At least, not the ones who mattered most in the present state of things. One of those imperiously ignorant individuals was present at the opening of the doors—was the center of attention, in fact. It was no secret that Othrin, not Gethrin, ruled the Realm. --------------------------------------------
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
You start out describing these antique doors, and I have to admit, I'm not being pulled in. If it were me (and you have to remember, I've yet to complete a first novel, let alone be published, so don't take me to seriously ) I'd focus on a character going through the doors, and have him/her notice the doors. Then it would have more pull, this snippet, because it's not a soliloquy by an all-knowing character, as it seems to be.
posted
As good as your style is I have to admit that I, too, will have to vote nay on this opening. Nothing about the door made me feel anything at all except perhaps impatience. And in the second paragraph, when you finally put some people in there, you dart around subjects as if we knew what youree talking about but we don't.
You say "It was no secret that Othrin, not Gethrin, ruled the Realm." but I know neither one of these people, so what do I care which one really rules the realm?
posted
I agree with Scott R. It's too much like a high school creative writing assignment where the teacher gives points for the length of a description. It's really not an effective way to write stories. The point is to get the information across with as brief a description as possible.
I think that:
quote: The twin doors of the great hall swung open with a ponderous groan. They were heavy, iron-bound, and old--physical proof of the Realm’s failing strength—of its antiquity.
is enough.
After that, I'm already so bored by with the first paragraph that I couldn't care less that someone actually came through those doors.
posted
I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss this beginning. Tighten it, sure. Even introduce characters sooner, sure, though had this been a novel, maybe not. Strengthen the weak verbs. Police the words for things like repetitions like 'twin' and 'massive.' But I'd get rid of the second paragraph and incorporate it into the first.
You have two doors and two characters. Why not integrate the description of the doors with the introduction of the characters? (If you hate when critiquers show rather than simply tell, skip the next part. )
<The twin doors of the great hall swung open with a ponderous groan. Heavy, iron-bound, and old, their massive hinges set the doors at slightly odd angles to one another, not unlike King Gethrin and his Prime Minister Othrin {Or whatever their relationship is}. Although few noticed the doors no longer fit their massive frame perfectly, most understood that Othrin, not Gethrin, ruled the Realm. After nearly five centuries, the two wooden sentinels continued to scrape a broad path in the stone floor, a grating symbol of age, while Othrin and Gethrin did whatever. Flagstones under and before the broad threshold, smooth from years of regular friction, did whatever, an ever-present reminder that time can conquer even the strongest stone and most cunning craftsmanship, and whatever. The great doors testified to the Realm’s failing strength—to its antiquity. The imperious ignorance of Gethrin testified to the cunning of Orthrin who, in truth, ruled the realm.>
posted
OK. I could go for Kolona's suggestion of shadowing the appearance of the two characters with the doors, and I was quite a lot more intrigued by the first few lines of it. But it still didn't really hook me. Just too much about the doors and not enough about what I really want to read about--either the fascinating characters or the rest of the world or the gripping events. Surely you're not writing the entire story about the doors? Sure describe the doors. But not for an opener.
posted
I like the beginning, however, I'd like to know who was coming through those creaky, ancient, mishung doors at the same time you were describing the doors.
Then if you could describe the guys in the second paragraph with a little bit more detail ( ie where they come from, title, and such ) Just some thoughts.
Bryan
[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited June 14, 2004).]
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) I'd focus on a character going through the doors, and have him/her notice the doors. Then it would have more pull, this snippet, because it's not a soliloquy by an all-knowing character, as it seems to be.
