These are the first 13 lines of ARTIFICIAL DESTINY, Book 1 of my Infinite Horizon cycle) to include 6 books. Sci-Fi, 110k words
W, do you read me?" Vasily Vladimirovitch Koreliev pushed the hypersensitive laryngophone against his Adam's apple: "Loud and clear, Control," he said with a whisper no louder than a breath of air. "C'mon, it's me, not some faceless entity," said the silken voice in his earphones. "Donnie," Vasily swallowed, "this is neither the place nor the time." "Ouch!" "What?" Vasily subvocalized. "You swallowed. It sounded like lead marbles hitting the bottom of a tin can." Vasily decided not to answer that one. He was the one freezing his ass off on the snow-covered, wind-swept terrace, in the middle of the worst winter in Hammurabi Ville's history, whose average winters already had a bad reputation throughout the Federation. It didn't help that his exoskeleton's frame circulated liquid nitrogen to mask his infrared signature.
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I'd read more if I had picked this up in a bookstore, so for me this is a decent hook. Subtle conflict between Vasily and Donnie of some nature (probably romantic) and the question of why Vasily is out freezing body parts (a mission of some sort), keep things moving. Very clear prose. The description/explaination of tha subvocalizer seemed a hair over done -- I'd vote for removing the word "hypersensitive."
Posts: 652 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Because I'm a pedant, I take issue with the whisper part. To subvocalize is to make no audible sound. If you can hear a breath of air, then you've made a sound that is audible [to someone]. Subvocalization is like moving your lips when your reading... no sound. It's also using the muscles of your vocal cords, but not passing any air through as to make no sound.
That's not to say there aren't incidental sounds -- such as the wet clicking sound when parting the lips of one's mouth.
I just had to throw this in... only pedants like me would be distracted from that line. Non-pedants wouldn't even notice.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited July 17, 2004).]
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HSO you and I must think alike because the 'subvocalize' and the 'whisper' caught me too. I loved the swallow, but-- even my cellphone has a chip in it that mutes overlly loud sounds. Funny as it is, unless it is going to be a plot point it made me question the uneveness of their technology.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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“Vladimirovitch” stopped me for a minute. Perhaps Vasily “Vlad” Koreliev? (Russian names are hard for me to pronounce inside my head while I’m reading, which causes me to pause, and I lose the thread of what I’m doing.) I was still thinking about it when I hit “hypersensitive laryngophone”.
Should “Hammurabi Ville's” be all one word, like “Smallville”?
Subvocalize/whisper issue: it was used in two different sentences. My guess is sometimes he whispers a bit louder...
but it was to avoid repetitions. I don't know if it's too jarring. Is it?
I added the swallow comment to illustrate character more than anything. Yes they're on a mission that requires stealth, but they're old hands at it, can make jokes, and Donnie is a bit of a sarcastic character.
I had a doubt about the word "laryngophone" since it's not too common a word. I was trying to illustrate what it was without going through technobabble, but perhaps the "hypersensitive" part may be a bit heavy.
Is Hammurabiville even readable? I started it like that but though it lost legibility. The city of Hammurabi Ville is the capital of the planet of New Babylon, btw.
If any one wants to read more, do tell! I have not found first readers that I can really trust. Most of what I get is "wow, dude, this rules," but they said that about my 1st and 2nd drafts, which...
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Woah woops, one last comment I meant to introduce.
The Vladimirovitch. May be hard to pronounce, but it is accurate in terms of naming for Russians. "Son of Vladimir" Sorry, but on that note the cultural accuracy of the patronimic is important to me. (No, I'm not Russian, just anal retentive that way, sorry!)
Not to worry, Vasily is referred to as "Vasily" 99% of the time
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I'll take at look at it... I'm ruthless, you see. Ask anyone. Seriously, I'll review it fairly and without bias.
Well, about the subV thing... if the character doesn't do it properly (along with swallowing), then make another character make mention of it... or even him -- maybe's he's just not very good at it, but should be. ?
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Let's start with a few chapters, I guess, or just send the whole thing -- I doubt I'll be able to get through more than a few chapters in the next few days anyway. A synopsis wouldn't be a bad idea, either.
Prefer Word files if you got it... otherwise, send it as whatever you got.
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I think you might drop 'hypersensitive' in the description of the laryngothingie. It's easy to overdo the adjectives; if you must have one, what's wrong with plain old 'sensitive?' How good does it need to be anyway, to pick up the vibrations of a throat it is right next to?
And on the subject of overblown words, laryngowhat? May I suggest two perfectly good Anglo-Saxon words : Throat mike? One of them even has four letters!
Apart from that, you've got a good initial scene, I would certainly want to continue reading.
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CHANGES IN CAPS [quote] QUOTE PLEASE W, do you read me?" Vasily Vladimirovitch Koreliev THREE NAMES AT ONCE IS CONFUSING, BUT I GUESS IT'S OKAY HEARpushed the hypersensitive laryngophone against his Adam's apple: "Loud and clear, Control," he said with a whisper no louder than a breath of air. "C'mon, it's me, not some faceless entity," said the silken voice in his earphones. "Donnie," Vasily swallowed, "this is neither the place nor the time." "Ouch!" "What?" Vasily subvocalized. TOO MANY DESCRIPTIVE WAYS OF TALKING, IMO "You swallowed. It sounded like lead marbles hitting the bottom of a tin can." Vasily decided not to answer that one. He was the one freezing his ass off on the snow-covered, wind-swept terrace, in the middle of the worst winter in Hammurabi Ville's history, whose average winters already had a bad reputation throughout the Federation. It didn't help that his exoskeleton's frame circulated liquid nitrogen to mask his infrared signature.
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I've got to agree with those that said too many descriptors for talking. I'd drop the hyper on hypersensitive, also change the laryno-doohickie to something easier, maybe a subvocal ear mike or something.
I served in the military, I'm wondering about stealth and concealment and some sort of communications protocol. Because in the future, wouldn't there be a way to intercept communications as well, like there is today?
Just some thoughts. Other than that it seems like a great read. Email is in my profile. Send away.
-Bryan-
[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited July 18, 2004).]
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From one that generally has no trouble with Russian names, I see no problem with a full formal introduction to your character right at the start. To my ears Vasily Vladimirovitch Koreliev trips rather nicely off of the tongue and doesn't hold me back at all. If you were to use the full name with any frequency, though, it would become annoying in short order: just too long! But that is a point you've already addressed, by reassuring us that he is seldom referred to in that manner.
If you are still looking for readers, then, my time is my own once more and I would enjoy the chance to see more!
I guess I just wanted to show off some techno-knowledge, as a way to ensure readers that I sort of know what I am talking about (or not) I do not refer to the mike again as laryngo-thingie. I also think anyone would know what I am talking about from context. Isn't there a thread in general discussion about vocab?
"Embiggens?" "It's a perfectly cromulant word."
Comm protocols: he is not in a situation where he would be monitored. Although the operation is paramilitary in nature he just needs to be quiet.
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HAH! I knew I wasn't the only anal retentive one around here!
As far as the fragment, I'm less concerned with the technical details of the laryngothingy than I am with the quality of the writing. And no, I'm not going to say anything about it beginning with dialogue. I AM going to comment on the last two sentences. They sound very info-dumpish, to the point of sounding comic-bookish. The first of these sentences needs to be cut up--WAY too long, WAY too much info crammed into it. The second one is more to the point, but still dumps a lot of information into a very few words.
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I'm still in the process of reading it, but the only thing that I have a complaint about is metalcarpals and phlanges. Use hands and fingers...LOL
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Seriously, I'll review it fairly and without bias.
