posted
Hi everyone, I would be most grateful if you could give some feeback on the following excerpt. It is the opening to a prologue of a dark fantasy novel. Thanks very much.
The Excerpt:
Macabre moans and wails quivered through the night air. Tortured wraiths shrieked in a lament for the dead.
Or maybe it was no more than the murmur of wind through the trees. Yet there was certainly something amiss as Sheren Kar traipsed through the twilit woodland alone.
Although she was not one who frightened easily, there was an otherworldly chill to the darkness that made her shudder a little. All was deeply silent as though any form of life had fled in fear of the imminent horror.
Old oaks with blackened leaves loomed over her, and spindly cobwebs, with thick silver threads, stretched from branch to branch before her. Little by little, her sight became ever more comfortable with the darkness, though everything seemed to be immersed in a greenish glow. Moonlight filtered down between the dense trees, but allowed only enough silver illumination to prevent her tripping on the tangled undergrowth.
Sheren shivered through fear like some pathetic maiden. “Steady your nerves,” she muttered in vexation. She was the queen of her race, the Sanfidels, and had been implored to take an escort of guards with her, but she had stubbornly refused; what would transpire this night must not be witnessed by others.
quote: Sheren shivered through fear like some pathetic maiden. “Steady your nerves,” she muttered in vexation. She was the queen of her race, the Sanfidels, and had been implored to take an escort of guards with her, but she had stubbornly refused; what would transpire this night must not be witnessed by others.
posted
I thought this was quit well written except I have one tiny little suggestion....put away the thesaurus. What does twilt mean? I couldn't even find it in Merian-Webster online without paying them for a subscription to their extended langugae resources! I also had to look up macabre and lament, though I'm roughly familiar with them, to make the context absolutely clear. Usually when I see those words the context fills them in for me but this time they were the context, if that makes any sense. After double checking to make sure I knew them, I decided macabre was an excellent word, but I'm not so sure about lament.
I am reminded of something I heard the other day I don't remember who said it: "Never use a longer word when a diminutive one will do."
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited September 08, 2004).]
posted
My bad! That word is in Merian-Webster. SOrry, one thing about me is that when I see a new word that I've never seen before, such as twilit (or twilt, which is apparently a word a nd I'm tempted to do the free trial just to find out what it means) I sometimes see the wrong letters because I don't have a pattern to match them to.
It occured to me after I posted that that I didn't say anything about the actual story. After that thought, I went back and reread it to find out what I thought about the actual story and what I ran into was some beautiful description without much story yet. Strangely, many editors will probably read past it anyway just because you write so well. A few won't, because nothing has happened yet. If you want a read of the entire thing, send it along to my e-mail addy and I'll do my best. It'll be third or fourth in my queue depending upon how quickly you send it (I'm going through a critiquing phase...I'd better make this my last one until I clear it out.)
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited September 08, 2004).]
posted
If you find out what twilt means, let me know!!!
Anyway, what I mean to do with this opening is to lure the reader towards the event (the summoning) without actually telling them what it is. Hence the phrases, "imminent horror," and "what would transpire this night."
Not bad. It is interesting enough that I want to read more.
It is a little heavy on the adjectives. I could overlook that, but I have read that editors look for an overuse of adjectives and adverbs to mark a new and inexperienced writer. It is one of the things they sometimes use as a filter for the slush pile. You might want to keep that in mind. I have also heard that you should consider adjectives and adverbs to be like salt. Use a little to add favor, use too many and you spoil the soup. I mention this because our job here is to help each other make it past the slush pile.
The only real problem that I saw was this section:
She was the queen of her race, the Sanfidels, and had been implored to take an escort of guards with her, but she had stubbornly refused; what would transpire this night must not be witnessed by others.
It appears to be a break from POV and is a bit of an infodump.
I can see that you want to present the information that she is a queen, but just stating it won't be nearly as effective as showing it and letting us figure it out. Sorry, but I'm going to resort to examples for clarity sake. What if instead of telling us she is a queen, what if you told us who implored her to take guards. For instance if you said:
Sir Heath, chief of her royal guard, had implored her to take an escort with her, but she had stubbornly refused; what would transpire this night must not be witnessed by others.
it would be different if you said:
Razzar, head eunuch in the harem, had implored her to take an escort with her, but she had stubbornly refused; what would transpire this night must not be witnessed by others.
or
Jake Smith, the secret service officer assigned to protect her family, had implored her to take an escort with her, but she had stubbornly refused; what would transpire this night must not be witnessed by others.
or
Warden Jackson, had implored her to take an escort with her, but she had stubbornly refused; what would transpire this night must not be witnessed by others.
By changing who "implores her", you change our image of her and provide different information to us about who she is.
posted
To me, the use of "macabre" moans and "tortured" wraiths veers a little towards purple prosing (if I have the right term). I do this a lot myself, and get the thwack over the wrist by my critters ;-) One suggestion, on the macabre is to replace it with a more exact word that gives the feeling of macabre--or they ragged? Uninhibited? Cut off? Animalistic? Etc. Basically something a little more subtle. Tortured doesn't bother me much--probably the only reason I noticed it was because of my sensitivity to "macabre" in the previous sentence. Again, this is likely a personal preference.
I think you might need a different word than "murmur" in the paragraph about the winds, because murmur puts me in mind of whispers and low spoken things. Wails and shrieks are loud to me.
quote:All was deeply silent as though any form of life had fled in fear of the imminent horror.
This here conflicts with the wailing and wind noises.
Also, "the imminent horror" may seem a little purple prosy or melodramatic--unless there really is a single imminent horror that's coming, in that case, ignore me here.
Again, it's a personal preference. I've been taught if something is, for example, horrifying not to have the non-dialogue text say the word "horrifying" but rather show what is horrifying about it, unless it's for especial emphasis.
quote:though everything seemed to be immersed in a greenish glow.
This I like, an unusual tidbit amongst the usual :-D
quote:Sheren shivered through fear like some pathetic maiden.
This read a little awkward to me; I think it's the "through".
Last paragraph has another interesting tidbit in it, a nice hook to draw readers on.
Hope that helps and wasn't too harsh. Overall it, if this were a book on a shelf, that last line would draw me on to read more.
posted
The description seems a bit thick in places -- a few to many adjectives. The "queen of her race" sentence also needs broken up; it'c clumsy as it.
Other than that, I liked it.
*****
twilit -- what a cool word.
Macabre and lament didn't give me any pause, though Macabre is probably one of the adjectives that could go.
posted
Yeah, it's a bit purple. And sometimes you don't really match tone that well.
"Macabre" and "quivered" are straight out offenses. Your use of "amiss" is a bit astray. And "traipsed", I don't care how precisely that describes what she was doing (not very, I suspect), find another word. Twilit wasn't a problem for me, when Christine complained about "twilt" it took me a while to spot the usage. But what is transparent for one person can be quite opaque to another.
But overall, I just found it too moody in general. Yeah, there were some wording issues that cropped up, but even if all your word choices had been perfect, I would still think that this was laying it on a bit thick. If I may invoke the forbidden words, you're telling the reader how creepy and dramatic this whole scene is, rather than showing us any reason to feel scared
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I also had to look up macabre and lament, though I'm roughly familiar with them, to make the context absolutely clear. Usually when I see those words the context fills them in for me but this time they were the context, if that makes any sense. After double checking to make sure I knew them, I decided macabre was an excellent word, but I'm not so sure about lament.
