posted
Well...I did some thinking, and shifted the start...yet again. I think this is the 15th time .
No regrets, only hoping that there still will be volunteers to read my stuff.
quote: The first thing May did when she woke was try to talk. "Hello," she said, testing. No, though thin as a water reed and painful to use, her voice was still there. Good. The coughing plague had taken away her strength -- and it would probably take her life too -- but it hadn't won quite yet. She still had time enough to bid farewell to her sister, Silvia.
May wanted to be angry about it, wanted to feel rage at the injustice, but she couldn't. Anger required strength of a sort, and she had none. All she could do was feel detached and relaxed.
But she did have some fears, though not for herself. Rather they were for Silvia. Silvia was the one who would have to deal with the aftermath, with the fact that her entire family was dead.
Right then, Silvia walked into the room, looking dilapidated. Rings circled around her eyes; she obviously had little sleep. The sight broke May's heart, and a flood of emotion filled her numb mind. Something about that look on Silvia's face, pained and worried, was undeniably tragic. No child so young should have such an expression.
At the moment, I would like someone to look at the first couple of thousand words and evalute the effectivness of them in establishing character, setting, emotion and all that.
Critique and analysis is appreciated, whether it be on the first 13 or the whole chunk.
Thank you.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited October 12, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited October 12, 2004).]
I think this is a much better starting point. I don't have time to read the whole thing, but I'll offer my thoughts on these lines.
quote:No, though thin as a water reed and painful to use, her voice was still there.
The word "no" seems like its a response to the testing of her voice. I expected the rest of the sentence to mean that she couldn't make noise and so I wound up having to reread as I turned my perceptions around.
quote:She still had time enough to bid farewell to her sister, Silvia.
I wasn't sure if this meant that Silvia was going on a journey, or if May was dying and wanted to say goodbye before she did, or if Silvia had already died and May wanted to be able to say funeral rites for her.
quote:May wanted to be angry about it, wanted to feel rage at the injustice, but she couldn't
What is "it"? That she's sick, or dying, or the Silvia is leaving, or...?
quote:Anger required strength of a sort, and she had none. All she could do was feel detached and relaxed.
I think that "of a sort" weakens your sentence. You might consider either removing it, or being specific about what sort of strength anger requires. In the second sentence, I like that she felt detached, but "relaxed" didn't seem like the right word. I think that's because everything up to this point implies discomfort and wishes, and--to me--the word "relaxed" implies contentment.
quote:Right then, Silvia walked into the room, looking dilapidated.
I don't think the "right then" is necessary, because Silvia enters the scene as I read the sentence. "Right then," actually delays her entry for me.
quote:Rings circled around her eyes; she obviously had little sleep.
I like, "Rings circled her eyes," it gives me a very concrete sense of her exhaustion. The rest of the sentence seems as obvious as the narration labels it. Can you give me more detail as lovely as the first bit, instead?
quote: Something about that look on Silvia's face, pained and worried, was undeniably tragic.
Can you define the "something"?
quote: No child so young should have such an expression.
This is the first hint that I have that Silvia is a child. Can you give me that information earlier?
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited October 12, 2004).]
posted
Phanto, I think this is pretty good. A more cohesive beginning than last time. And I'm relieved to not have to wade through a character's grief as the very first thing!
Some observations for you to take or leave:
quote:Anger required strength of a sort
Not crazy about "of a sort." Just leave it off. "Anger required strength, and she had none," is a more effective sentence because now we understand strength is needed for anger at an injustice. Whereas "of a sort" made wonder what sort and made me feel it was not specific.
quote:All she could do was feel detached and relaxed.
I agree with MaryRobinette on the word "relaxed." My observation is that doing and feeling are two different verbs. The whole thing, in essence, is: "She felt detached, weak." Or some other word for "weak," if you like.
quote:But she did have some fears, though not for herself. Rather they were for Silvia. Silvia was the one who would have to deal with the aftermath, with the fact that her entire family was dead.
This could be much more distilled, in addition to saying what, exactly, "some fears" are. To say that May fears for Silvia may be what you are looking for. Used in this sense, it would seem to communicate more accurately that May is worried about Silvia, but "worried" is not as strong a word as "feared."
quote:Right then, Silvia walked into the room, looking dilapidated.
Ditto MaryRobinett's comment. Houses look dilapidated, but the word doesn't lend itself particularly well to describing people. You could pick another word (should you agree with me, which of course you may not! ), but then you dangerously wander into the whole tell vs. show quagmire. Granted, in some cases, you could just say she looked tired and let the reader do all the work imagining that; or, you could say her shoulders slumped and she shuffled along as if she were old instead of ten.
quote:she obviously had little sleep. The sight broke May's heart, and a flood of emotion filled her numb mind.
If it's obvious, don't say it. "Flood of emotion" is a cliche and vague, since we don't know what emotion. Emotions are experienced in the heart or gut, not the brain. To say that her heart breaks at the sight of her poor sister is enough, in my humble opinion.
quote:Something about that look on Silvia's face, pained and worried, was undeniably tragic. No child so young should have such an expression.
Be specific. "Undeniably tragic" is melodramatic and redundant, since you have already described Silvia's face.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I haven't read the other critiques, so forgive me if I repeat anything.
Overall, this is a good beginning. I don't think I've read any of the iterations beyond the first, so I can only say that this is much, much better than that first attempt. The situation is much clearer.
However, I had a hard time getting past your first line. I have no idea how sick May is, but I've been through some nasty bronchial stuff and my husband had a severe case of bronchitis once (kept waking him up every half hour with wheezing coughs that make me cringe just thinking about them). Talking was the last thing we wanted to do.
I read further and realize that she wanted to make sure her voice was there so she could bid farewell to her sister. This story would have pulled me in more completely if I had known that was her intention when she was trying out her voice in that first line.
I also have a problem with the description of May feeling relaxed. If coughing has taken up all her strength, her chest is going to feel sore, and if the coughs were strong enough, her whole body is going to feel sore. And that's not taking into account the usual aches, pains, and stiffness usually associated with illness. I think you're trying to describe the lethargy that comes with being sick; that sensation of not wanting to move. But I'm not sure from your word choice.
Also, how does May know that the rest of her family is dead? Has someone told her? Has she watched the rest of her family waste away in beds just across the room, or heard the coughing in the room over suddenly stop and the house take on that gloomy quiet that means someone's passed on? How has Silvia dealt with those deaths since no mention is made of dead bodies in the house with the girls? If this plague kills slowly, Silvia is already acquainted with death and burial (or whatever they use to dispose of bodies) and knows what's going to happen to May. She'll be expecting it. If it's fast, she's going to be in shock. I didn't get a clear picture of any reaction; just the image of Silvia's own illness.
[Edit: In re-reading it, I realized you explained Silvia's reaction just fine. Please ignore my comments on that particular.]
Other than that, it's a good beginning. I'd be willing to read the rest.
[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited October 12, 2004).]
posted
This seems like a piece that will focus on characters strongly.
I had some confusion on this line: "She still had time enough to bid farewell to her sister, Silvia."
I assumed it meant that Silvia was dying too and May had time to say goodbye before Silvia died, until I read the third paragraph. Then again, that's probably just me ;-)
There is a line or so where it could be more concise (as well as to make it less repetitious), but then again, that might be May's voice.
I hope a nitpick or two won't be annoying, but on here: "Right then, Silvia walked into the room, looking dilapidated." I don't think "Right then" is needed; it's assumed if you cut it. Also the word choice of "dilapidated" doesn't sound right to my ears; for me, it's too much a word used for buildings, not people. Finally, on this line: "No child so young..." I didn't assume Silvia was a child (nor did I assume May was). Maybe if Silvia is younger than May, an earlier clue as to Silvia's youth could be "little sister" instead of "her sister" in the first paragraph.
quote:At the moment, I would like someone to look at the first couple of thousand words and evalute the effectivness of them in establishing character, setting, emotion and all that.
If you think my crit would be useful, I'd be happy to do a crit exchange with you.
posted
I also assumed that Sylvia was about to die, and was suprised when she walked into the room, tired but apparently healthy. I'd been picturing her lying near death on the next bed over.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Woh. I think I've just learnt something radically new. Sorry to all for not sending out on time; I shall have it shipped in a day or two. I feel that this new technique is so important that by implementing it systematically, my writing will improve tenfold.
What is it?
Well, read my new segement and see ^^.
quote: The first thing May did when she woke was try to talk. "Hello," she said, testing. Yes, though thin as a water reed and painful to use, her voice was still there. Good. The coughing plague had taken away her strength -- and it would soon take her life too -- but it hadn't won quite yet. She still had time enough to bid farewell to her young sister, Silvia.
May wanted to be angry about her impending death, wanted to feel rage at the injustice, but she couldn't. Anger required strength, and she had none. All she could do was feel detached and scared. Scared not for herself but rather for Silvia. Silvia was the one who would have to deal with the aftermath, with the fact that her entire family was dead.
Silvia walked into the room, crumpled and tired. Rings circled around her eyes, but once she looked at May, they almost vanished from the intensity of her smile. Then the smile broke and pain returned to her expression.
"Good morning," Silvia said. She curled a strand of her frizzy red hair around a finger, trying to hide nervousness. "Do you want me to get you anything? Are you feeling better?"
posted
I must say that this is much better than the last version.
But there is one thing that sticks out to me and that is where you say: "She still had time enough to bid farewell to her young sister, Silvia."
Ok, there are different ways to say that, but I won't go there with this. I have to say that I'm used to saying younger than young, for the reason it seems to be more practical and more people are used to seeing it.
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