posted
Hello all. I'm new here so please forgive the 1001 newbie mistakes I'm about to make; for instance I'm not up-to-date on manuscript form and don't know if the 13 lines in my doc will actually translate to 13 here *eep*
Lately just focusing on expositions, there's no more to each one that I can send anyone, but I will greatly appreciate all comments!
Also, is it permissible to include more than one submission per thread?
expo numero uno:
Funny how people on a crowded street never look each other in the eye, Robert mused. Rushing around, everyone in their own little world as if they’re so important, but really, they’re just alone and meaningless. He stood on the corner with his camera, surreptitiously snapping pictures of passers by. He could frame each person so that, even though you could see all the other people surrounding them, you could also see just how each person was in a little bubble of isolation. Robert figured whoever came up with the phrase, ‘no man is an island’ had never walked down a New York City street. Hell, people here went way out of their way not to connect.
Robert was good at bringing people together. He was about to do it now.
When the bomb went off, his heart exploded sympathetically in his chest. That street, all those people, went from the appearance of purpose to actual purpose. Emptiness to mythic meaning, all in an instant. Bodies flew, screaming or not. Bits of metal and plastic went in all directions, impaling flesh. From his vantage point Robert watched people slowly get up, stagger around, and gradually, slowly…. band together. Nothing brings people together like a little mayhem and tragedy, he thought, smiling smugly.
(actually there are 2 more paragraphs to this one)
As far as nitpicks, I like 'Funny how people on a crowded street never look each other in the eye' but not 'Robert mused.' Could it be done in first person?
When it says he smiled smugly, it seems like a POV slippage anyway. Since Robert is the viewpoint character, he would not be able to see how he smiled.
If I used adverbs like surreptitiously and sympathetically, it would be flagged by others for possible deletion, they would call it empty. And perhaps these two here are a little over the top.
'Gradually' or 'slowly' are OK I think, but IMO, use one but not both.
This seems to be a start to a very interesting story. I would like to read it.
quote:Robert stood on the corner with his camera, surreptitiously snapping pictures of passers by. It was funny how people on a crowded street never looked each other in the eye. Rushing around, everyone in their own little world...
This quickly, the POV is clear and transparent to the reader, making observations what we share.
quote:He could frame each person so...bubble of isolation.
This may well be grammatically okay, but it really feels wrong.
Um, kinda a funny image, but understandable. Still, if it isn't supposed to be funny, you should probably rephrase that. The same for alliterative phrases, be very careful with them, they stand out (which can be very good, but sometimes isn't). And "band together" is a bit weak and trite for the work you're making it do here (just my personal opinion). The phrase "smiled smugly" adds a Tom Swifty to an alliteration, right at the end of a paragraph. That isn't a POV problem.
Overall, this is a good opening. You start with a clear POV character making observations that most readers could easily understand and relate to their own experiences. You have a strong single line paragraph that heightens our interest in the critical paragraph following, and then you set the hook to the story firmly.
A few questions. How long is this story and do you need readers for some portion of it not posted here? Why do you want to post another submission in the same thread rather than starting a new thread? What does opus_81a mean?
quote:Also, is it permissible to include more than one submission per thread?
Only first 13 lines of a story.
While well-written for the most part, I find the premise that someone would detonate a bomb to give meaning and purpose to other's lives too unbelievable.
When it says he smiled smugly, it seems like a POV slippage anyway. Since Robert is the viewpoint character, he would not be able to see how he smiled.
I tried reworking it in first person, but didn't feel quite right; because the character's self perception of his own acts is so warped, it seemed an objective narrator leant more truth. Could the POV problem be solved simply by saying, "Robert smiled, feeling smug?"
quote:quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He could frame each person so...bubble of isolation. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This may well be grammatically okay, but it really feels wrong.
I thought that was weak when I wrote it, I'll try to rewrite it.
quote:How long is this story and do you need readers for some portion of it not posted here? Why do you want to post another submission in the same thread rather than starting a new thread? What does opus_81a mean?
There are only 2 more paragraphs to this, which I would be happy for anyone to read if interested. Have been doing an exposition only project but maybe I will continue on and finish this one!
I asked about more than one submission per thread b/c I have some very short ones, a few one-liners even - seems silly to put those all in different posts.
My background is in music. An opus is selected group or category of a composer's works. Opus 81a is my favorite Beethoven piano sonata - probably way more than you wanted to know about that
quote:I find the premise that someone would detonate a bomb to give meaning and purpose to other's lives too unbelievable.
The last 2 paragraphs (not posted here) attempt to show how this person thinks of himself as not so much a hero but a hero maker. His victims, he feels, are now heroes in their own stories; their lives have more meaning b/c something bigger than life and traumatic has happened to them. A community has been created out of these people, which is his ultimate experiment, so to speak. I'm curious if you would have the same reaction to the whole thing, or if there's anything there that would suspend disbelief...
Thanks for all the great feedback so far!
[This message has been edited by opus_81a (edited October 19, 2004).]
posted
<The last 2 paragraphs (not posted here) attempt to show how this person thinks of himself as not so much a hero but a hero maker. His victims, he feels, are now heroes in their own stories; their lives have more meaning b/c something bigger than life and traumatic has happened to them.>
The plot is reminiscent of Unbreakable... Of course it would be unbelievable to the average person, no sane person would act this way. But in the real world, real people do horrific things for unbelievable reasons.
Sounds like a good read once it's complete. I look forward to it.
posted
I'll second much of what Survivor said and also respond to your question, "Could the POV problem be solved simply by saying, "Robert smiled, feeling smug?"
Yes, that would solve the POV problem, but you don't need to reference smug at all. The writing up to this point gives me the sense of his satisfaction at what he has done; that it is a twisted act provides the smugness.
posted
Basically, all humans do things for reasons I find pretty twisted. I don't find this character even slightly unbelievable.
If you like, I'll read another two paragraphs. One-liners would probably count as something to put in a single thread in the other forum. So Opus_81a is code for Farewells, eh? I was sort of hoping it meant that this was your 81st opening
posted
The writing was pretty good. I agree with Survivor's POV suggestion. I'm trying to work on that technique myself.
Two things bothered me:
First, he says, "they're just alone and meaningless." Then the next sentence says he is taking thier pictures. At that point, I thought, "Why are you taking thier pictures if they are meaningless?".
Second, I didn't get it, until I read the other folks comments, that Richard actually set the bomb. Maybe if you say "his bomb" instead of "the bomb" it would be clearer for folks like me.
posted
I liked the tone of what you have here and only have a few issues. POV wasn't a problem for me, but formatting was.
quote:Funny how people on a crowded street never look each other in the eye, Robert mused. Rushing around, everyone in their own little world as if they’re so important, but really, they’re just alone and meaningless. He stood on the corner with his camera, surreptitiously snapping pictures of passers by. He could frame each person so that, even though you could see all the other people surrounding them, you could also see just how each person was in a little bubble of isolation. Robert figured whoever came up with the phrase, ‘no man is an island’ had never walked down a New York City street. Hell, people here went way out of their way not to connect.
Because some of this is narration and some of it is internal thoughts, I think it would read better if it was formatted a bit differently.
i.e. Robert stood on the corner with his camera, surreptitiously snapping pictures of passers by.
Funny how people on a crowded street never look each other in the eye, he mused. Rushing around, everyone in their own little world as if they’re so important, but really, they’re just alone and meaningless.
He liked to frame each person so that, even though you could see all the other people surrounding them, you could also see just how each person was in a little bubble of isolation. Robert figured whoever came up with the phrase, ‘no man is an island’ had never walked down a New York City street.
Hell, people here went way out of their way not to connect.
***
The next thing that threw was that middle comment:
quote:Robert was good at bringing people together. He was about to do it now.
This just left me with a great, big "Huh?!". Even after reading the closing bit, this felt like a weak transition. You do need a little something there, but these two sentences don't really work for me on any level.
The last paragraph isn't bad. You are trying to describe a lot, and for the most part I like the imagery you are projecting.
quote:When the bomb went off, his heart exploded sympathetically in his chest. That street, all those people, went from the appearance of purpose to actual purpose. Emptiness to mythic meaning, all in an instant. Bodies flew, screaming or not. Bits of metal and plastic went in all directions, impaling flesh. From his vantage point Robert watched people slowly get up, stagger around, and gradually, slowly…. band together. Nothing brings people together like a little mayhem and tragedy, he thought, smiling smugly.
Again, I would set off his internal thoughts by making them a separate paragraph. I also agree with the others, that you don't need "smiling smugly" at the end. I already pictured him watching with his arms crossed, admiring his handi-work.
i.e. ...From his vantage point Robert watched people slowly get up, stagger around, and gradually, slowly…. band together.
Nothing brings people together like a little mayhem and tragedy, he thought.
***
This is an intriguing character and I think you've got an opening that could go in any number of directions. I'd love to see what you've done with it, if you want another reader.
posted
First, I too do not find this character or his motivation unbelievable. Real life lets us believe a plethora of drangements. Silence of the Lambs. Enough said?
I don't have anything significant to add to the others' comments. Just wanted to chime in some encouragment and some hope that you will explore this fragment as the beginnings of something much greater. Very intriguing. Nice writing.
About posting, unless you have a single line that is giving you trouble that you'd like some advice on, I don't see that it's too awfully worthwhile to post a zillion one-liners that aren't going anywhere. You've already demonstrated to us that you have a good grasp of putting words together coherently. I, for one, would rather help you write stories, rather than spend my time complimenting you (or not) on a bunch of single lines.
posted
Wow - thanks again for the welcome and thoughtful feedback - encouragement...heady like wine... all juiced about finishing this now
If you don't mind waiting another day, I'd like to incorporate some of these suggestions before I send it to those who offered to read it. Let me know if other than Word format is preferred.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
