When every cell in your body starts thinking for itself. You become a hive. The burn of it swells red, wet and vicious from your chassis. That kind of fear has its own uberlogic, beyond mind and doubt. You are left just a vestigial lizard clinging to the top of your spinal cord.
It’s not why I hit him. But it’s why I kept hitting him. I didn’t think about it before I did it. It was biological. I had to show them I was crazier than all the rest of them put together.
Then maybe they would leave me alone.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 02, 2004).]
Just one thing. The story's progression may resolve this, but at the moment it looks like a contradiction. First the story says that he didn't initially hit the guy because of the aforementioned biological reasons. Then he says that he didn't think about it before he did it -- it was biological. This may make sense later on, but it doesn't make sense to me right now.
posted
The action flows well and gets the reader's attention.
I think you are trying to use too many metaphors in the first paragraph though: First he's a hive, then a chassis, and finally a vestigial lizard. Stick to one and develop it more.
Also, in the second paragraph it would work better for me if you name his rivals instead of using "them" and "him". The pronouns are just too general here.
posted
Lorien, perhaps the next few lines should have been included. I have made a change or two and included the next paragraph. (Hope that doesn't break any rules.)
It is a quickening terror. When every cell in your body starts thinking for itself. You become a hive. The burn of it swells red, wet and vicious from the kundalini.
That kind of fear has its own uberlogic, beyond mind and doubt. Conciousness barely clinging to the knot at the top of your spinal cord.
It’s not why I hit him. But it’s why I kept hitting him. I didn’t think about it before I did it. It was biological. I had to show the other detainees that I was crazier than all of them put together.
Then they would leave me alone.
The transport hulk had been in orbit for more than a year and food was running out. There was some sort of fungus infection spreading through the berths. The biodegradable underclothes issued on embarkation had biodegraded, and we were conserving water. The air was bad, but the smell was worse in the women’s section. All the hormone inhibitors were gone.
The cameras were smashed in the exercise yard. That’s where I found Semler, with his wives. That’s where I hit him and kept hitting him and then I ran.
I didn’t intend to kill him. I’m a god-fearing man.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 03, 2004).]
posted
Sounds wicked, man. I like it. I get the feeling right away you've got a carefully thought-out premise and idea behind this story. Seriously, I was gripped by it as soon as I started reading. However, using biodegradable and biodegrade in the same sentence is a little much.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Wow, this sounds like something awfully interesting. Novel or Short?
But I'll tell you where you drew me in--it was AFTER the first thirteen lines. It was the paragraph beginning with "The tranport hulk had been..."
Before that I'm seeing a mish-mash of POV and tense and images that don't bring images to mind that draw me in. Someone once got after me for waxing overly poetic in first person. You kind of have to pull back a bit on that, or the narrator becomes aloof, distant, out of reach of the reader. We want to see him as one of us in order to properly sympathize with him. I'd start with the situation and explain why he did it (or kept doing it) afterward.
I also agree with Lorien's comments. Particularly about the first two lines. I think it's that little "When..." that throws me off. Consider cutting it and starting the sentence with "Every..." I also think the first FEW lines would flow more smoothly if they were combined or rearranged in such a way that we felt they were connected, rather than disjointed and unrelated.
posted
I'm on par with djvdakota - I got way more interested after the first 13. Ok, it's clear now that you intend "they" to be other people.
You sucked me in with this idea that every cell in this guy's body is literally thinking for itself and acting independantly. Bizar, but quite interesting. It made me speculate maybe you were heading along the lines of violence is the way he can "quiet" his cells back into being one body he can control when they start "going individual". I am also assuming at least some of the other people may be experienceing this too. So, who does this guy feel more danger from: his own cells or those of others? I hope you don't just abandon this concept, is what I'm saying. Unless you didn't mean it in the literal way I interpreted. Then I just feel cheated.
other than that the revised version sounds great... of course, i would like it if you provided context clues to what that word means, or do SOMETHING so that i knew what it was, and soon.
posted
Real gritty, nasty stuff...I like! The first 13 you posted wasn't enough set-up. I have to agree with alot of the others, and say that you grabbed me with the description of the living conditions...enough to make a grown man loopy!
Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2004
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The second paragraph introduces the story as 2nd person. The 'you's. Using some 'you's (she waves her hand in the air, in that motion that says 'iffy')is not necessarily a violation of the first person POV, but sticking to a single technical POV will go a long way toward developing your character if you make us feel these things through his own experiences ("I felt like..."), rather than trying to relate them to his audience's experiences (You know how it feels when...). So, instead of saying, "When every cell in your body starts thinking for itself. etc etc" He might say, "My body became a hive, every cell thinking for itself, burning, swelling red, wet, vicious. Like it left a vestigial lizard clinging to the top of my spinal cord."
Essentially the same information, solidly first person POV. I am able to have much greater sympathy for him KNOWING without any doubt that this is the way he felt.
In seven more days you'll have all you ever wanted to know about POV at your fingertips. Happy reading!
posted
Dpatridge, POV is short for point of view and it refers to the viewpoint from which the story is told and to how much the reader is allowed to "see" of what goes on in the story. It may help to think of it as the shoulder on which the reader sits to watch the action (or the head inside of which the reader sits).
In omniscient POV, the reader sits on the shoulder of the author because the reader is supposed to see everything (relevant to the story) that the author knows. Essentially, it means that the author tells the reader what everyone is thinking (puts the reader inside of everyone's heads).
In first person POV, the author creates a narrator who tells the story from an "I" point of view. I saw this, I did that, I heard thus and such. The reader sits inside the head of "I" (the narrator).
In second person POV, the author tells the reader what the reader is seeing, doing, etc, with "you" (and it doesn't work very well for very long).
In third person POV, the author puts the narrator and the reader on the shoulder (but not necessarily inside the head) of a character, with "he" or "she" or "it" (and while this approach isn't as "intimate" as first person, it can be almost as "intimate" and has advantages over first person that make it a better choice for writers who are learning how to tell stories than first person--OSC's CHARACTER AND VIEWPOINT cover the advantages and disadvantages, so I hereby refer you to that book).
posted
haha, that's not what i was referring to about being a little ignorant at times kdw, i was referring to the word he used that i asked the definition of, kundalini or something like that...
posted
I personally think that the first 13 lines drew me in and made me want to find out more. I think is the suddeness of the violence that makes me curious as to who this guy is.
Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Oh, good, dpatridge. Thanks for the clarification.
You might be surprised at how often someone shows up here not really understanding POV. I'd rather tell people more than they need to know than take a chance on them not knowing something.
posted
OUCH! for some reason i have a feeling i'm rubbing a lot of people the wrong way... please forgive me, for i know not what i do... well, not really, i have an idea that i must be doing SOMETHING wrong, but what exactly is a bit of a stumper...
Posts: 477 | Registered: Oct 2004
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It's so hard to tell what people mean online because all we have are the words on the screen. No tone of voice, no expressions.
I don't think you're rubbing people the wrong way, dpatridge, and I hope you aren't feeling rubbed the wrong way either.
Please feel assured that if you were doing something wrong, at the very least you would get an email about it, and at the most, someone would try to straighten you out here on Hatrack (gently, I hope).
posted
dpatridge: I wasn't trying to be flippant, just thought the dictionary explained it better than I would.
But I am worried about the POV stuff, honestly can't see where I have shifted POV.
But will fix it when I do.
I was reading a book written by an 1830s bushranger. He was explaining and justifying himself the whole way through, saying things like: if it happened to you... you would have done it too. When something like that happens to you... you feel rage welling up... etcetera
So I have adopted that sort of, self-justifying persona, if it does not work, I will change it. If it is a genuine POV problem, I will fix it.
BTW: DJVDakota: its a short story.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 07, 2004).]