"8900 approaching, intercept on loop," I'd say, trying to sound like I'm in control of the situation when in reality I wasn't paying that much attention. My thoughts were on the lawsuit I needed to start planning. Forest. Mountain. Forest. River. Landing strip. My loop was complete so I landed on the slick runway. Textbook. It was always textbook when you weren't paying full attention and you were on auto-pilot, even though there is no auto-pilot for landing.

Home was where I layed my head. Normally an airforce base or the closest airport to BWI. Tonight's closest hotel was the Ramada but most of the people I was escorting were staying in the Hilton. I didn't care because I just wanted to sleep. My eyes stung as I closed them for the last time before I woke up. I was going to start losing my vision because stinging eyes were a sign.

Note from Kathleen Dalton-Woodbury:

Please keep excerpts of your story text to the first 13 lines.

Quote: I should have been more tense.

This is a good opening line in that it feels very organic and natural.

Quote: There is always this energy when you let go of everything. I've let go of the controls lots of times. Being out of control is the good way to let good things get out of hand. But what did I care?

However, the rest of the paragraph does not make sense. It's a little confusing.

Quote: "8900 approaching, intercept on loop," I'd say, trying to sound like I'm in control of the situation when in reality I wasn't paying that much attention. My thoughts were on the lawsuit I needed to start planning.

"I'd say" is a weird tense to use. Also, your sentence doesn't stay in that tense -- you say "I'm in control." Also, this phrase is confusing in that I have no idea what's happening.

Quote: Forest. Mountain. Forest. River. Landing strip.

The quick-smash of nouns also confused me. Only after some thought, did I figure out what you're doing.

Quote: Textbook. It was always textbook when you weren't paying full attention and you were on auto-pilot, even though there is no auto-pilot for landing.

Textbook feels like a cliche'.

Quote: Home was where I layed my head.

A) Layed is not a word to my knowledge
B) This also makes no sense. What does it have to do with the second paragraph? For that matter, what does the second paragraph have to do with the first?

Quote: Normally an airforce base or the closest airport to BWI.

Unnecesary fragment. (Mind you, fragments are needed sometimes.)

Quote: Tonight's closest hotel was the Ramada but most of the people I was escorting were staying in the Hilton.

Only now do we learn of escort action taking place.

Quote: My eyes stung as I closed them for the last time before I woke up. I was going to start losing my vision because stinging eyes were a sign.

This does not make sense to me.

My impression as a whole is that you're trying too hard to make this exciting and all-cool. I'd advise you to instead just focus on telling the story in a clear, effective manner.

I promised myself not to look at the other comments, but my eyes got stuck on "layed" each time I saw it on the page (in the story and in the comments).

I like the opening. I even like "But what did I care?"

Some minor comments...

Instead of "is the good way" I'd consider "is a good way"

"'8900 approaching, intercept on loop' I'd say"

I am confused about the tense and I think this sentence is where it starts. Most of this sounds like the past, but "I'd say" is passive and hints to a series of events rather than one event. "My loop was complete" definitely refers to one event only. "I'm in control" is present tense and it should be "trying to sound like I was in control"

Basically what I am trying to say is that it is hard to know from 'when' the narrator speaks. You say "Tonight's closest hotel" as if the narrator is talking about something that happened earlier this evening, and yet you end after the narrator woke up. Since the narrator is telling the story after the morning, then "Tonight" needs to be "that night" or "last night" etc...

Finally, look at the second to last sentence: "My eyes stung as I closed them for the last time before I woke up." I know what you are saying here, but you may want to end that paragraph with falling asleep and start the next with waking up. You could say "My eyes stung as I closed them. The fear of losing my vision haunted me as I finally fell asleep for the night." Or something like that.

My last comment is about sentence fragments. Sometimes, they are very useful for getting the point across. "Normally an airforce base or the closest airport to BWI," is not a case where you need a sentence fragment. Stuff like "Textbook" is okay, but I am of the belief that they should be used sparingly. A few well placed fragments is a great affect. Using them too much is like a cheap trick. This last comment is about 98% opinion from me as a reader, by the way.

All that said...I'm not sure where the story is going, but I wouldn't put it down if this was the only part I read. I am curious about this person (especially since he/she sounds like a commercial pilot who doesn't mind not paying attention while flying with the lives of countless in his hands...). I also want to know what the lawsuit is all about.

I'm not ready to read this story, yet. Please post a description with length of the whole story (or the part you want read) so I can see how much I have time for.

<Edited for the following reason. I think I am going to change my policy of "not reading the other comments" because Phanto came up with just about all the same ones...darn it. Good job Phanto. Hopefully, mine help by giving a couple different angles...>

Braddok I think my intention is both.
_________________________________

Thank you for all the suggestions. They were very helpful. I used most of the suggestions that you made actually. The editor/moderator only let me put 13 lines of this short story. It isn't posted or published anywhere else. It's true that the narrator is not a commercial pilot. If you want the rest of the story maybe you could email me or something. Here is what I changed:

___________________________________

I should have been more tense. There is always this energy when you let go of everything. I've let go of the controls lots of times. Being out of control is a good way to let good things get out of hand. But what did I care?

"8900 approaching, intercept on loop," I annunciated through the helmet intercom, trying to sound like I was in control of the situation when in reality I wasn't paying that much attention. My thoughts were on the lawsuit I needed to start planning. Forest. Mountain. Forest. River. Landing strip. My loop was complete so I landed on the slick runway. It was always textbook when you weren't paying full attention and you were on auto-pilot, even though there is no auto-pilot for landing.

Home was where I laid my head, normally an airforce base or the closest airport to BWI. Tonight's closest hotel was the Ramada but most of the people I was escorting were staying in the Hilton. I didn't care because I just wanted to sleep. My eyes stung as I closed them; a sign of what was to come. The fear of losing my vision angered me before finally falling asleep for the night.

[This message has been edited by reazwoz (edited November 08, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by reazwoz (edited November 08, 2004).]

That's why KDW is agressive about not allowing anyone to post more than 13 lines of any given work. The main purpose of this forum is to solicit help on stories that you plan to sell (or enter in a contest), and posting the whole story would defeat that purpose.

Additionally, this forum serves as a place for getting feedback on why some people might not have been interested in reading more of your story. It also serves as a place to get specific kinds of feedback on a passage. None of these functions are exclusive, of course. Typically, a fragment is posted with a description of story's length and genre and people volunteer to read the story and/or point out things that discouraged them from wanting to read it.

You can specify that the entire text is not available if you only want feedback on the fragment (this is done fairly frequently). I think that you can also specify that you don't want feedback, just requests for the text (this is rare--maybe I should try it just to see if it works).