posted
This is my first post to this forum. What do you think?
When his audio implant activated at o’ six thirty, Alekan was already awake. It seemed no matter how early he planned to start the day, those unpleasant words still found their way into his waking mind moments before the alarm sounded. This morning he awoke with the image of them spelled out in blood and corruption and death. How many will die of plague before you reach them this day? The question came to him in many forms during the four years of the occupationplants and animals communicating through mind or speech, words inscribed upon gravestones, the image of a person since perished, or those who would if he didn’t reach them in time. But always it came in the final moments of sleep when dreams are easiest to recall and can set the mood for the day. “Makes for an unpleasant morning,” Alekan cursed.
I started to lose interest at the second sentence. It was just too long for my action-oriented attention span, but it wasn't long enough to keep me from reading the rest.
I don't think you need to say "waking mind" since you've already stated he's awake.
I like the question you ask in the second paragraph. I don't like how you answer it in the third paragraph ... or don't answer it, actually. You've given me a lot of questions (Plague? Occupation? Plants talking? Animals talking? Telepathy? Words writing themselves on gravestones?) and your story is getting lost in them.
Also, the tag you've put on Alekan's first spoken words doesn't really fit with what he's actually saying. It sounds like he's being sarcastic, not cursing.
That said, I'm interested in finding out what's going on. If you don't mind waiting at least a couple of days for a review, go ahead and send the story to me.
You lost me at the second paragraph. Too vague, yet it seems you're trying to explain something. Not a good combination. Save anything expository for later--doesn't have to be much later, just not the first few lines, maybe. Either that, or describe in even more detail than you are so we have something a little more specific to grab onto. It's the vagueness--we're left with impressions, it seems, when there should be specific "start-up" events so that as readers, we know where we are, when we are, and whom we're dealing with, POV-wise.
There's a strong lyricism and atmosphere to this writing which I really like, and that I hope is found throughout the rest of it, as well. I think that's definitely a strength.
posted
This fragment is hard to read because it is poorly organized. The information is not expressed clearly. I'd advise you to rewrite it with an eye on doing so. When his audio implant activated at o’ six thirty, Alekan was already awake. It seemed no matter how early he planned to start the day, those unpleasant words still found their way into his waking mind moments before the alarm sounded. This morning he awoke with the image of them spelled out in blood and corruption and death.
This paragraph makes no sense.
How many will die of plague before you reach them this day?
This is probably the voice speaking into his head. If so, you need to indicate it somehow.
The question came to him in many forms during the four years of the occupationplants and animals communicating through mind or speech, words inscribed upon gravestones, the image of a person since perished, or those who would if he didn’t reach them in time. But always it came in the final moments of sleep when dreams are easiest to recall and can set the mood for the day.
A little unclear, but probably the best written.
“Makes for an unpleasant morning,” Alekan cursed.
Whom is he speaking to?
Finally, good luck!
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited November 16, 2004).]
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