posted
Readers wanted, about 5,000 words, mainstream fiction (now that I've been set straight on the difference between mainstream and literary).
Warning: this segment contains very light swearing.
Start Now: # Zoom in on the streets far below. Two men in grey trench coats are pulling a pretty lady in a red business suit into an alley. The wind is blowing their coats out behind them, and the giant handguns hanging at their hips are revealed. Those guys are pretty bad, but they look totally lame compared to The Ghost Avenger.
Zoom back up to the rooftop. The Ghost Avenger has leapt off the ledge, and his arms are stretched out to his sides and kind of behind him as he falls, hands clenched into big, blocky fists. What a tough falling pose. Those robbers down on the street are about to get their a**es kicked.
A black silhouette of the Ghost Avenger backlit by the moon, taking up half the page. He crouches on the sidewalk where he has just landed, a solid black outline except for his glowing, yellow eyes. There’s no thought bubble or speech bubble, but there doesn’t have to be. It’s obvious what he’s thinking.
Okay, bad guys. Let’s freaking rock. # Don't worry, most of the story isn't in present-tense.
[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited November 24, 2004).]
posted
It's a character in the story reading a comic book, actually. It's a story within the story that plays a large role in the real story. If that made any sense.
posted
Then it bothers me. If it is the character who is reading the comic book, then I expect and want to read the comic book through his eyes. You are showing the comic book through an omniscient POV, not your POV character, if this is supposed to be 3 PLO.
Instead of "Zoom back up to the rooftop. The Ghost Avenger has leapt off the ledge...", my expectation is to see something more like:
"AnnoyingLittleTwerp flipped the page, eagerly taking in the next frame. The Ghost Avenger leapt off the ledge..." Your original format seems to be more like a screenplay.
Even in the present form, it's really throwing me off when the tense is changed in mid-sentence.
I also think you could hook me much better if you do let me see someone, presumably a child, reading the comic book. Perhaps you would give me a glimpse into the kiddo's thoughts as he reads the latest adventures of his hero?
Then I would probably suspect I was being set up (in a GOOD way), and wonder what happens to the kiddo. Mmmmph... computer's mussing up, goota stop here.
posted
Ummm, you would have to read the story to see the context of the comic book sections in relation to the rest of the story. I'm not saying you're not right, because you may very well be, but if you read the story I think it might make more sense.
But then again, maybe not. It makes sense in my head, but that's because I know what I'm trying to do.
And I should have mentioned earlier; these aren't the first 13 lines. They're from the middle of the story somewhere, so they aren't really supposed to function as a hook. My fault for not giving enough information upfront.
posted
"It makes sense in my head, but that's because I know what I'm trying to do."
Exactly. The idea is to communicate clearly to the reader, which does not happen if your assumptions are blocking your field of view. It might be partly the out-of-context context (don't you love a good oxymoron?) but I'm sure that with a more objective approach it could be worked out.
posted
Right, Matera, and therein lies the problem. That's why I put my work in front of other people before I send it out. I find it nigh on impossible to read my own work objectively. Just can't do it.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003
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ooh, i totally missed that, and probably others like it... he probably should say "... and slightly" or something like that... hehe, this is why i feel i suck at critiques. hopefully someone else reads it for him and picks up things my measly little mind missed
Posts: 477 | Registered: Oct 2004
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