posted
Here's the first 13 of a fantasy that will probably end up being novella in length. I've completed a couple of scenes, and would appreciate readers for about 1,700 words of text (so far). Comments on the opening, however, are more than welcome.
Pike Titus, Peak to the others in Information Technology, puffed out his chest to look heroic. If he had known what Tina's real job was, he wouldn't have tried so hard to impress her.
"Trouble with your computer? Let me take a look, and I'll see what I can do."
Sadly, the only exposure Peak had to heroic appearance came from computer games. His height and fitness were nullified by his wrinkled brown slacks and too-small navy blue shirt with the black ink stain above its pocket. When he pushed his glasses up his nose with his finger, Tina's ability to keep from tumbling to the floor in mirth had more to do with her self-control than with his appearance. Instead, she slipped from her chair with the grace that had the rest of IT envying Peak this afternoon.
posted
I had two comments on the opening. You lose me in the first sentence when you stick the extra clause in. Why do you need to put “Peak to the others in Information Technology” in the first sentence? I found it to be a distraction.
“Sadly, the only exposure Peak had to heroic appearance came from computer games.” I think this would be more effective if you said something like “The only time Peak looked heroic in appearance was in computer games” or something like that. I am sure you can make it sound better than my lame attempt.
I did like your choice of names, and thought you had created sympathetic characters.
posted
If you're going to use a narrator, then don't jump right into the plot action like this. Give the reader time to get used to the narrator instead (at least that, even back when narrators were pretty universal). If you aren't using a narrator, then this has some POV problems.
If this is Tina's POV (just barely possible, if she's some kind of internal mole/spy who keeps a very close eye on all the employees), then you need to tell us what her job is up front. There isn't any way this could possibly be Peak's POV, so if it should be then it needs major revison. If it's the POV of a third character (who is still not a narrator), then we need to be introduced to that person.
J. Stewart, if I haven't already said it, welcome to hatrack, and thanks for giving constructive criticism on other's work. I'll likely drop that reference to the nickname in the first paragraph, and leave the explanation for the nickname embedded in dialogue a little further in. And I would love to reword the heroic sentence, but nothing I've come up with so far seems to work much better. I'll keep working at it, and thanks for your input.
Survivor, this is indeed from Tina's POV, and she is not exactly an INternal spy; she is something a good deal more ominous, as far as Pike is concerned (and she has been keeping a very close eye on him). You find out within the first full page what she plans for Pike, and within the first chapter who she is working for, and a great deal about what they want with Pike. Is that still too slow (keeping in mind that this story is primarily about Pike and he doesn't know any of this yet)?
quote: this is indeed from Tina's POV...You find out within the first full page...Is that still too slow (keeping in mind that this story is primarily about Pike and he doesn't know any of this yet)?
If the story is from Tina's POV, it doesn't matter what Pike knows or doesn't know. It would only matter if it were from Pike's POV. Since it's from Tina's, the reader needs to know these things as soon as Tina has a cause to think about/be aware of them. Obviously, we don't need to be aware of every stray thought that goes through her head; but when you say:
quote:If he had known what Tina's real job was
without telling us that job--which obviously Tina must know very well--then you're cheating on POV.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Also, you should probably start with an act of observation on Tina's part to establish the POV quickly, since it is otherwise going to be quite puzzling for the reader anyway.
quote:Tina turned to watch Pike Titus--Peak to the others in Information Technology--puff out his chest, apparently in an attempt to look heroic.
Then tell us flat out her real job. Also edit some other statements to make it more clear that these are Tina's observations, not direct knowledge (even if she's a telepath or something).
On the other hand, if Pike is going to be the main POV in the rest of the story, then it is probably a grave error to start the story in Tina's POV like this. Particularly since the story seems set to follow a "familiar to strange" structure, which is generally ruined by starting with something strange like this.
posted
“If he had known what Tina’s real job was, he wouldn’t have tried so hard to impress her.”
That’s the one sentence that arouses my curiosity the most. After reading that sentence, I want to know more about Tina’s secret (if it is indeed a secret), and why it will totally screw up Peak’s life (if indeed that’s what it does). The other detail about Peaks appearance, his awkwardness, & etc. seems to get in the way. These details are important, but perhaps they belong on page two instead of page one.
posted
Once again, thanks for the input, folk. Survivor, I especially like the suggestion about beginning with an observation from Tina.
Here is a quick rework of the first couple of lines:
From the corner of her eye, Tina saw Pike Titus puff out his chest as he reached the door of her cubicle. If he knew what my real job is, she thought, he wouldn't be trying so hard to impress me.
Survivor, I know that you are the POV guru around here, but one of the reasons I don't tell what the job is up front is that it seems like a POV violation. Haven't you ever thought "Boy, that guy wouldn't be so glad to see me if he knew why I was here"? I bet you didn't think "Boy, that guy wouldn't be so glad to see me if he knew that I am here because I work for internal affairs and I've been sent to conduct a performance review for the purpose of having an excuse to fire him." (Which, by the way, is not what Tina is there for) The only way I could naturally get away with saying much about her real intents would be to use a narrator. Instead, over the next few pages, I place her in situations in which she thinks about the job, discusses it, or engages in it.
I chose to begin the story with Tina's POV (and haven't decided yet if I want to keep it for the entire story or alternate between them) because I wanted a quick, dispassionate description of Pike to introduce him (without resorting to "Pike looked in the mirror and saw.....) She is also the only character who really knows what is going on for the first few scenes; she is active and Pike is passive. All of these things seemed to lead to her being the natural POV character for the opening, although I may switch as the story progresses. Is there a way to retain his POV while still being able to make outside observations about his character?
[Edited to ask Corpsegrinder if that was an offer to read. If not, fine; if so, great!]
[This message has been edited by Minister (edited December 11, 2004).]
Okay, there are ways of doing that, but not with this particular character at this point in time. It doesn't help the reader identify with him as a person if you show him from the outside before he becomes aware what he looks like to others. You can easily create dramatic irony by having him consciously modeling his behavior on cheesy heroes taken from film and video, if you like. But try to avoid overdoing it.
And when I think that somebody wouldn't be happy to see me if they knew X, I usually think X in extremely gruesome detail. Us masters of evil generally do that.
Remember, there are no rules of POV except what helps you accomplish what you want to accomplish, and what hinders you from accomplishing what you want to accomplish. In any story, you need to get the reader interested in some character. It could even be you, whether are brillient ideationist or writer or whatever. But usually it's a character in the story, which is where POV comes into it.
posted
I have always dreamed that one day I will get my readers to understand what a POV character looks like without physically describing him/her at all. Think how beautiful that is - we can conceive his/her appearance from his/her actions and behaviour... I'm not talking about stereotyping but more behavioural characteristics.
I think this story could be so interesting from Peak's sole POV. Let us into his mind and we will let us into our hearts
posted
Since you've indicated Tina is the POV, perhaps you should convey her attitude toward Pike. Is she sadly amused at his attempt to impress her or mildly contemptuous? You could relate her job in this way.
Tina smirked at the Pikes feeble attempt to puff out his chest, knowing, if she had her way, that he would soon be gone. She smiled hollowly and began her evaluation.
Going that route you foreshadow her intentions and give us an impression of her personality, which we don't get in the original. I agree with some of the other commentators that the tease of him not knowing why she is there should stay. That tease makes me want to read more and find out what her intentions are.
I understand where you are going with this next passage but it is very muddy and could be cleaned up. You have descibed a very Clark Kentish type figure (Superman's secret Identity) so maybe add in some descriptors like mild mannered, bookish etc.
His height and fitness, were nullified by wrinkled brown slacks and too-small navy blue shirt with the black ink stain above its pocket. When he pushed his glasses up his nose with his finger, Tina's ability to keep from tumbling to the floor in mirth had more to do with her self-control than with his appearance. Instead, she slipped from her chair with the grace that had the rest of IT envying Peak this afternoon.
All in all it is a pretty engaging start and does have enough tease that I would read further. Just needs some polishing.
[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited December 13, 2004).]
posted
Thanks for the remarks, guys. If I haven't said it elsewhere, welcome to Hatrack, Huntgod. Thanks for giving constructive criticism. If you do indeed want to read more, let me know.
Chris and Newsbys, the first chapter has been emailed. Thanks for offering to read.
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but one of the reasons I don't tell what the job is up front is that it seems like a POV violation. Haven't you ever thought "Boy, that guy wouldn't be so glad to see me if he knew why I was here"? I bet you didn't think "Boy, that guy wouldn't be so glad to see me if he knew that I am here because I work for internal affairs and I've been sent to conduct a performance review for the purpose of having an excuse to fire him." (Which, by the way, is not what Tina is there for) The only way I could naturally get away with saying much about her real intents would be to use a narrator. Instead, over the next few pages, I place her in situations in which she thinks about the job, discusses it, or engages in it.
