posted
Just looking for some feedback on this opening.
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Mireia sat quietly as the Bishop finished saying mass. The stone church was cold, but it wasn’t just the temperature that made her shiver. The shiver came from the depths of her soul as the Bishop extolled Mary, the mother of God, and the need for women to lead virtuous lives.
That’s all well and good when you have money, Mireia thought. How am I supposed to lead a virtuous life when my father can barely afford to feed me let alone provide for my dowry?
Things had been bad for Mireia and her family for some time, but it hadn’t always been that way. At one time, a time that Mireia could barely remember, her father had been a profitable merchant until several of his cargo ships were lost at sea. Anything she might have remembered about her life before had been erased by years of poverty. Recently things had been worse and with no dowry and no marriage prospects, Mireia realized that it wouldn’t be long before her father would have to sell her into slavery, or worse, prostitution.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited December 21, 2004).]
I'm glad you're submitting. I was a little worried you wouldn't make it. I'm glad some inspiration hit.
First paragraph--nice. Second paragraph--good. sets up Mireia's conflict. Third paragraph, tells too much and shows too little. SHOW me her poverty. Show me the state of her clothes. Show me that she is sitting in the pews reserved for poor people. Contrast that with her longing or memories of sitting in the 'rich' pews.
I also think I might be more sympathetic with her if a) she actually remembered being rich and privileged once, and b) you show that she is truly humbled by her circumstances. Or at least show me that reaching humility is going to be an important part of her story. I'm not sure her response to the Bishop's sermon are very humble.
posted
What culture and time is this? Many young women of medditeranean and eurasian countries went out and earned their dowries coin by coin sewing them on their clothes, displaying their wealth. (Some cultures still do.) Other cultures the Dowry came from the mother's side passed mom to daughter- if the father had lost or stolen this dowry what great tension this would add especially to the point that the bishop expects her to be noble when she has lost everything even her dowry.
you could also compare the beauty and wealth of the bishop to her plight of poverty and show an interior battle against petty envy.
posted
I find myself recoiling from your character. I don't like her and I don't know why. It'a sort of "poor little used-to-be-rich girl thing." I have no idea what is making me react that way but there it is...
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I understand the feeling Christine, I got a similar feeling from her. For me, it seemed to occur when I read her thoughts. They seemed to be more of a complaint.
If however her thoughts were something like: Oh, Mother Mary, I pray you save me from a life of slavery and dishonor. - then I would have an entirely differant impression of her.
posted
I think you may have hit it, and looking at it again I think that I particularly recoiled with the complaint about the dowry. With so much badness in her life, she's worried about a dowry?
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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Dakota: I had trouble with that yesterday, but after sleeping on it I have some ideas. I might try the pew thing.
JBSkaggs: I plan to get more into the actual culture, time and setting within the next few paragraphs, I'm not sure if I can or should put it all into the opening 13. Let me think about it.
Survivor: I will may try to introduce her reason for being at mass sooner. Also, what do you mean by "lack of integrity in the main character"? (I found this comment a bit confusing so I have no idea how to fix it or avoid a problem).
Christine and Newsbys: This character is far more jaded than I originally thought she was. It has actually caught me a little off-guard, I may try to soften her because she is supposed to be sympathetic.
posted
Okay, I've done a bit of tweaking. --------
Mireia sat quietly as the Bishop finished saying the Sunday mass. The stone church was cold, but it wasn’t just the chill of December that made her shiver. The shiver came from the depths of her soul as the Bishop extolled Mary, the mother of God, and the need for women to lead virtuous lives.
That’s all well and good when you have money, Mireia thought. How am I supposed to lead a virtuous life when my father can barely afford food?
Mireia glanced over at her younger sisters. Even though they were dressed in the best clothes they owned, they looked shabby compared to the children of the wealthier townsfolk.
Idoya and Sarita were too young to remember, but Mireia knew there was a time when their clothes had been new. She remembered eating and being full. She remembered playing without worrying. She remembered having money.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited December 22, 2004).]
posted
This works much better, IMO. Now she's worried about real things, things that money gets us that matter: the ability to live. She's also thinking of her sisters, of people other than herself, and that right there helps me to empathize with her.
Let me know when you get the rest of it done and want volunteers to read.
posted
It's the fourth century, everybody goes to mass on Sunday -- don't they?
Actually, she is at mass because she wants to speak to the Bishop about a personal crisis she is facing. I wasn't planning to go into it too much right at the beginning, instead, I planned to show Mireia's dilema then her need to be at mass.
Originally I was going to start the story off with her going to confession, but she hasn't committed the sin yet so that felt a little "cart-before-the-horse".
posted
Robyn, I wouldn't worry about a reason for her to be at mass. People just go to mass, and if she has a more significant reason than that it can come out when it matters to the story. Even in modern times, I wouldn't question a person at mass on Christmas. In an early time, as this is obviously set, I would definitely take it at face value that everyone goes to mass.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I think the second opening works much better. Certainly more sympathic showing of the character. It is more engaged in the moment as well, which drew me in much better.
I didn't question why she was at mass. Given the setting, I assumed everyone would be at mass because that was expected.
posted
I too prefer the second 13. But why don't you show us the wealthy children sitting across the aisle? Your so close take us the rest of the way. I think she's at mass because it's Christmas, she'd suppose to be there like everyone and it is warm and she is looking forward to the free coffee and donuts afterwards.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I just finished the main body of the story. I don't have time to post it for critiques, so I'm going to post it as is for the Christmas Challenge.
Thanks for all the feedback, it got me going in the right direction.
posted
Everyone going to mass isn't exactly an honestreason for Mireia to go to mass. Besides, not everyone went to mass in the fourth century. I'm not even sure that they had what we would recognize as mass by that time. There wasn't even a Catholic Church. For the first part of that century, it was only complete nobodies and real eccentrics that attended Christian services of any kind.
Naturally, it would be impolite to go about questioning people attending mass in this day and age, but she's a POV character, so that's not an issue. When I go to any religious service, I try to keep in mind why I'm there, and if the answer is going to be because everyone else will be there, then I don't go.
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