posted
Take two. I'm taking a break from revamping my WIP novel. And revamping the revamping. At least for a bit.
I've let a few short stories sit. Now, I'm revamping them hopefully up to snuff. Just started this one, and I wanted to see how this opening struck people... ---------------------------------- I do remember a woman named Molly. We had a spat over a map. Oh, yeah. I wanted to go looking for Bigfoot, but she wanted to stay put. Yep. Didn’t listen. But then, that’s why they call me Dense Dan. That and I can’t remember my last name. One thing’s for sure, I’m not the man I used to be.
I got here some time after the Big One. Of course, where here is, I don’t rightly recall. But here is where I pursued my pastime and let me tell you— it stunk. Waves crashed to my left, a sheer cliff stood to my right. I followed the odor up the beach. Then I came to the remains of the seawall. Moss covered the litter of hewn stones. Beyond it, a rocky ravine dug into the cliff.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited January 14, 2005).]
posted
The first paragraph grabbed me. It says a lot in few words. I got a little lost in the second paragraph, starting with "Waves crashed to my left". Was Dense Dan describing his "pastime"? I had to read it a couple of times. Of course, it might be a function of only having 13 lines.
Liked the intriguing references, 'Big One', and Dense Dan's voice, engaging.
Minor note, the three short sentences in a row in the second paragraph felt a bit choppy.
posted
I think this is an improvement over the last version, Chris. I was puzzled by the same things mujarrah was. I thought he was saying his pasttime stunk (stank?) but apparently the whole area stinks, for some unrevealed reason.
Wow. I didn't frequent Hatrack back then, at least not that often. Thus, I had never read the fragment the link points to.
I see the similarity and it's eerily close. Both in the alterative nickname and in voice. The character's name had been Dan in the first version, and yesterday I thought the 'Dense Dan' would be a good angle.
Has this ever happened before to anyone here? I could try for a different name if this is a problem...
As a unrelated similarity, it's interesting that you use HSO for your Username. My initials are CSO.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited January 15, 2005).]
posted
It's not a problem on my end, Chris. Keep it as is, do not change your story. Only coincidence and I took no offense.
And coincidentally, the title of the story I wrote is the same title for a current short film -- which is unlikely to be anything like my story. These things happen.
posted
umm, my name isn't dan, but i am sort of dense, and as i seem to share that similarity with your character i am not convinced that you did not meet me and becomes inspired to write this. thus, if this thing publishes, i fully expect a cut.
lol. the first paragraph was pretty cool, pulled me in. but something in the wording from "...but here is where i pursued my pastime..." completely lost me. you paint a pretty good picture of the place, and good job on that. but is his pastime bigfoot, or did he go surfing for a while and then decide to leave this place to find bigfoot? did he leave molly to get to this place, or did she leave him from here?
i would certainly be willing to read more if you'd send it.
posted
This is a very difficult opening for a number of reasons. One problem has already been noticed a number of times, this is very confusing to anyone that hasn't already read a previous version of the story.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Same as a number of people: first paragraph grabs you, but then you go on to a bewildering tangent in the second paragraph. I'm afraid that after several re-readings I still don't have a clue what you are talking about (what is Dan's pasttime, for instance?)
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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