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Hello All! Here's my first 13 lines of a short I wrote. Total 1900wds for anyone interested. I'm new and desperate for feedback. Can't wait to hear from ya. Rip away....
His hair brushed at my forhead as his face came forward to meet with mine. Our lips touched and for a moment I could believe that love was real. for just one moment hope broke through into a place of touch and skin, mingling with the soul in a way that nothing else could.
Our breath joined and too soon the flesh took over.
His name was Timmy, or Tad, or something. They all were the same when it got this far. Only the kiss made it real. After that it all blurred into one long sting.
When he was done he rolled away and made some stupid remark like: "Wow! You're so awesome!" I'm sure at the time he meant it. I'm awesome for a moment, the next I'm a whore.
I hope you like...
Rachel
PS: Attn; Survivor....I was hoping you could refer me to a good reference on midevil weaponry and combat. I saw your comments on another story and was thinking you would be able to point me in the right direction. Thnks
quote:PS: Attn; Survivor....I was hoping you could refer me to a good reference on midevil weaponry and combat. I saw your comments on another story and was thinking you would be able to point me in the right direction. Thnks
Survivor IS the reference. There's more knowledge about nearly everything in his brain than four or five us put together. There is no need for another source.
Apologies for not writing any comments about your story. At the present time, this feels more important to point out.
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I liked the introduction quite a bit. Very well written, storng imagery, and powerful emotion. I'll rip as hard as the next person but I didn't see anything hanging free to grab hold of and tear. Whyd on't you send me the rest and I'll look harder. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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There was a series on the History Channel called "Arms & Armor" that was very good. If you can dig a copy of it up, it is very informative. I completely changed my impression of how two men armed with 2 handed swords fought. I always pictured ponderous hacking and slashing and nothing could be further from the truth. The two men that were sparring fought viciously and with lighting quickness, using both the pommel of the sword for inverted strikes and parries.
There was also an excellent demonstration of a man in full plate doing cartwheels, which dramatically changed my impression of knights stuck on there backs unable to get up because of the armor weight.
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That would be awesome. I'll check it out. I need something that will show me visually the swords, bows, etc...and then name all the parts. Also of course the valuable vocabulary of combat. It's more woodsy than knightly, so there's less restriction on the whole armor inclination. But soon I will also need armor descriptions and pictures. This is great! I'm so happy I finally found people who know about his stuff and are happy to share info. Thanks!
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Looks like a good story so far. Nothing really to rip into in those first 13 lines. Send me the rest if you want, I'll read and critique it.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2005
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I wouldn't rate my knowledge of medieval anywhat as particularly high. One problem is that "medieval" covers over a thousand years and can apply to dozens of different major cultures across the globe. On the other hand, I do consider my general tactical acumen above average
I can't say that I loved the first paragraph of this opening, but I guess I can see what you're doing here. All the same, I think that this sort of cognitive disjuncture would work better in 3PLO. Giving your first person narrator this kind of reality sensing/reporting problem is usually hard on the reader and the clarity of the story. Even if this only happens when she's kissing someone, the fact that this seems to be the major theme of the story (and of her life) makes it a problem.
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