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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » REALITY THESIS, Chapter One, Thirteen Lines

   
Author Topic: REALITY THESIS, Chapter One, Thirteen Lines
Ryan Brotman
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Here's the first thirteen lines to chapter one of "The Reality Thesis". Questions, comments and concerns are welcome. I'm also looking for a few readers for this chapter. It's about six pages long. Keep on truck'n.

Logan cringed as a classmates foot shifted on the carpet. He looked around to see if anyone else did likewise. No one noticed. They couldn't hear such small sounds – not the way he could.

They couldn't hear anything: the terrarium grass outside his classroom’s south wall that rustled in the artificially generated wind to brush up against the metal of the building, or the electricity buzzing in the wiring of the bell system – anxious to run free when the bell timer hit zero – none of his classmates could register those noises.

He went to scratch his forearm and curled his fingers back to refrain. Don’t want to scratch yourself deaf, he thought. Instead, he reached for the small spray bottle on his desk, and gave his arm a couple sprits. The skin went numb and the itch subsided. Logan heard bewildered looks from several of his classmates as he put the bottle back on his desk and turned the dial up on the sound dampening unit fastened around his wrist to block out their stares.


[This message has been edited by Ryan Brotman (edited February 15, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Ryan Brotman (edited February 15, 2005).]


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NewsBys
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Sounds interesting. Did you just want general comments on the 13, or are you interesting in someone reading the whole piece?

I am very curious about what this place is. I think the use of the word terrarium is particularly intriguing.

One small nit for me - I was a little confused by the first line. At first I though they were squaring off for a fight or something. It was not until the 3rd line that it made sense. I think these are the reasons it bothered me.

Consider maybe letting us know why he cringed a little sooner.
Is it important that we know Paul’s foot was the one that shifted? If not, maybe drop his name for clarity sake, letting Logan stand alone in the first sentence.
Why not throw in a clue to their immediate environment by describing where this carpet is. Maybe something like –

Logan cringed at the sound of a foot shifting on the classroom carpet. He looked around to see if anyone else did likewise.

For what it’s worth.

Also, I’d be willing to read more, depending on how long it is.


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Ryan Brotman
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Good thought. Change made. Thanks
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theokaluza
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quote:
Logan heard bewildered looks from several of his classmates
He heard bewildered looks? I know that his hearing is great, but can he really hear people's eyeballs moving? Or was he hearing their clothing?

Aside from that relatively tiny nitpick, this was really good, and it grabbed my attention. Are you looking for readers? If so, I volunteer.


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Shi Magadan
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what's the wordcount on chapter 1?
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HSO
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He says six pages long, so if that's in manuscript format, it's right about 1500 words, I figure.

I'll read this Ryan, if you'd like.


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Shi Magadan
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Ryan, if you still need readers, I'll take a look.
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cvgurau
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Very intriguing. My attention was grabbed by the third sentence, and I was hooked by the end of the second paragraph. If you still need a reader, I volunteer.
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Ryan Brotman
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Thanks to all of you who are giving this a read. I think I have enough for now.
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