posted
I introduced myself in the Introductions section, and I guess the anonymity is allowing me to post the first 13 lines of fiction I've ever attempted.
I've tried to write this before as a short story, but found that I have a lot of back story that I was unable to get out. I've decided to give a go at a novel. I'll tentatively give a title of "Alien Invasion", which is intentionally cliched, and will make more sense if I get into what the story is about.
As a scientist myself, trying to write what I know about, it will be a "hard" SF story. I'd love a critique. I have VERY thick skin, and if anyone wants me to give a critique of their work (preferably also hard SF, as I think that's what I'm most qualified for), I'd love to be given that opportunity.
Here goes nothing:
“Hey man, we’re not open yet,” the man behind the bar said as he towel-dried glassware for the after-work rush that never seemed to arrive.
Jack took a few steps further out of the mid-afternoon sunlight, and into the dimly lit bar, allowing the door to swing shut behind him. His eyes adjusted and he glanced at a sign above the bartender which read, “No shirt, no shoes, no service,” though Jack figured that in a place like this, such counsel was more of a suggestion than an actual rule. The bottles of top-shelf alcohol were coated in a thin film of dust, and Jack figured that the only thing top-shelf about them were the bottles themselves, which had likely been salvaged from the dumpster behind a bar in which the brand of vodka in the martini mattered more than the size of the glass. This was the type of bar frequented by hustlers and alcoholics, and Jack figured himself to be only half qualified.
“I’m not here for a drink,” Jack said. He strolled toward the bar with his hands in his pockets. “I was told that I could find Doctor Conor here.”
[This message has been edited by kflanaga (edited February 27, 2005).]
posted
Kflanaga – I like it. It flowed fairly well and you gave a good sense of place. We know right away who the main character is and you did a beautifully subtle job of implying that he is a hustler, which immediately provokes questions and adds tension.
The first line of the second paragraph was a little clunky. I think you could tighten that up to read better. I would also suggest a specific delineation between the type of bar in “which the brand of vodka in the martini mattered more than the size of the glass” and the “type of bar frequented by hustlers and alcoholics.” It took me a moment to realize you had switched back to referring to the bar Jack was in.
I would offer to read it except that I am not a “hard” SciFi reader at all so I doubt I’d qualify. But I did enjoy that opening.
posted
For a novel, this strikes me as a pretty good opening. One quick nitpick about the first sentence is that the last phrase is not really in POV (unless Jack has actually been at this bar enough to know that the after work rush never arrives). The rest of the section is from Jack's POV (and pretty nicely done, I might add), so this should probably be dropped.
This could be tightened just a little (try knocking out any adverbs that you can), but on the whole it's pretty good, I think. I would keep reading.
Speaking of which, how long is your first chapter? I can't promise a really quick critique, or a critique of a really long chunk, but I could probably handle a few thousand words over the next several days. I'm not a scientist, but I've read a fair amount of 'hard' sci-fi.
posted
Ok, I agree that this is pretty good. I think you can relax a little and trust that you don't suck at this.
A few of the sentences seemed a little long to me, but that's easy enough to fix once you're at the obsessive tuning stage. I'd probably offer to read more, but I am really not a hard SF person at all.
If you'd love the opportunity to crit other people's stuff, btw, just volunteer when they start threads. Don't think of it as a 1-1 kind of deal, either - you're not limited to commenting on stuff posted by the people who have commented on yours, I mean. It's a community deal.
posted
Wow, thanks everyone. I didn't expect such quick replies. The first, and unfortunately, only chapter, is fewer than 1000 words. I didn't want to go too long without finding out if I'm doing something glaringly wrong.
I've already made changes based on the above comments, and I'll continue to write. I'll also try to become a better member here so that when I do have more to critique I won't feel guilty asking for help!
posted
Pretty good. I don't like opening with a line of dialogue, myself. And I think that Jack's impressions of the bar should be both more personal and speak to the reason he's there. Still, it's better than most first efforts or most efforts period.
I wouldn't mind critting a first chapter (as long as it's a short first chapter rather than one of those really long ones--even at that, I might not mind).
posted
If you're going for intentional cliche, maybe "Alien Invasion!" would make it more in-your-face.
My only real problem with the story so far is that I'm not interested in "a man walks into a bar..." I am not sure the 13-line rule works for novels. Maybe we need a blurb too! But anyway, I'm not hooked yet.
posted
A thousand words I can do in the next few days. Send it on over to the email address in my profile if you still want me to take a look.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I figured as long as the man didn't walk into the bar with a priest and a rabbi, I was all right!
I will work on the opening chapter. I have to say, I've written the beginning of this story a few times, and never continued it, but now I feel sort of invigorated to actually get somewhere with it. Thanks.
posted
See, now Survivor ALWAYS pings people who open with dialogue, but I don't have a problem with it here because it serves the purpose of helping set the scene.
However, Minister is dead on about the POV in that first line. Keep it coming from Jack's perspective.
Also think this is pretty darned good for a genuine first effort.
Little nitpick: Jack 'figures' three times in that second paragraph. Variety is one important key to successful writing--variety in sentence length and structure, variety in vocabulary, variety in paragraph length, variety, variety, variety. Think of writing as an art exhibit. How boring would it be if the exhibit were 100 prints of the same painting, all the same size and shape, only framed in different frames. <YAWN>
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