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Okay, I changed around some chapter order to get a snappier opening. Please tell me what you think. I also made sure I only had the first 13, instead of more like last time. ----------------------------------------------- Hernai spun towards Andarius, evading the painful strike as the staff came in. Even as his opponent reversed the staff’s path, he grabbed one of Andarius’s wrists and yanked his hand free of the weapon. Surely the man could not wield such a weapon one-handed. With one hand on the wrist and the other behind his foe’s shoulder, Hernai shoved the man downward.
The staff struck his head with such force and speed that he released his grip and staggered backward through the sand. White spots twinkled in his eyes like the ubiquitous desert lightning.
Andarius regripped his staff, allowing Hernai a brief moment to recover. He wasn’t smiling, Hernai saw, not the customary smirk worn by those achieving the upper hand. He simply stood there holding the thin metal staff, appearing lean, muscled and beautiful in the dancing lightning, like a statue, a symbol of the heathen world that spawned him.
Thunder gave its booming sermon to the world, and Hernai breathed in deeply. The smell of sulfur and sand stung his nostrils, but gave him a focal point. I have misjudged my foe, as I have so many of late. He cast a peripheral glance to the shifting dunes where his katana had fallen, vanishing quickly beneath the hungry desert. This heathen man; this traitor to his people and ours. Hernai shifted, feeling the cold sand under and between his bare toes, and raised his balled fists before him in a fighting stance. I am ronin, and should I die here I deserve nothing more. ---------------------------------------------
Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
This works quite well; I have no objection to starting with Hernai since you said in the other thread that he's the other main character.
The switch into action does feel a little abrupt because you've started in medias res but I don't have a problem with that--I do like to see things in context but, starting with the last paragraph, you're starting to include info about Hernai and Andarius, so it looks like you're already in the process of doing that as the scene rolls along--if we continue we'll find out who these people are, why they're fighting, and who they are.
This is a much better place to start than the other one (I still think that your original beginning might work as a standalone scene later in the story, though, so you can probably reuse it, with a little tweaking.) I don't think this scene has any serious problems that need changing. You're on your way.
posted
Concerning structure I think that you should go with whichever opener leads best into the story. When you decide structure then work on style. My 2 cents.
Posts: 245 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I didn't comment on your other opener, but I read it. Interesting world you're creating. This might be a personal preference thing, but if you go with this opening, I'd like to see you start with "The smell of sulfur and sand..." Why? Because it gives me an immediate sense of place, and the paragraph deals strongly with character. Once I have a sense of who Hernai is, then I can care whether he's in a fight. I'd be likely to read the first paragraph and think, "oh, gladiator book" and set it down. Know what I mean? The writing is good, but the opening is not unique. But the last paragraph--now <i>that's</i> intriguing.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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