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This is a revised opening to my WIP. It is a Fantasy novel. I appreciate your comments. Thank you.
Somewhere, someone was afraid. Myka could feel it, taste it, smell it. The faint tendrils of fear wafted through the walls of his room above the bookshop. He should have opened the store hours ago. Lord Saric was expecting his priceless copy of Meren’s only published volume of poetry to be repaired and restored for his wife’s birthday celebration this evening. Myka had not even started on it. It sat in his workshop below, on top of a stack of other books that were overdue for completion as well. He had not left his apartment since the Dran had begun two days ago.
His apprentice had come by both mornings and knocked loudly on the wooden shutters but Myka had not opened them. He watched from his one small window, through a crack in the casements, as the boy stood waiting for a few minutes and then finally shrugged and ambled off.
posted
We have substantially less in the way of important POV information here. No...we have POV information that is less important being presented as more important. If you try to introduce the more important information later, it will seem like you are simply contradicting yourself.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I think this could use some rearranging and some clipping. I know it is a novel and maybe there is more leeway to not get right to the jist of things, but I think it might be better to keep with the interest element of this man smelling fear than to water it down with info we can get later.
Example: "Lord Saric was expecting his priceless copy of Meren’s only published volume of poetry to be repaired and restored for his wife’s birthday celebration this evening. Myka had not even started on it. It sat in his workshop below, on top of a stack of other books that were overdue for completion as well."
The above made my mind tune out to the story and lose the sense of interest the first few sentences had begun to build in me.
What I meant by rearranging is that some of the sentences do not flow in my ear.
Example: "Somewhere, someone was afraid. Myka could feel it, taste it, smell it."
I think it is the commas and the list feeling added to this being the very start of the story-- it makes it feel stunted or jagged.
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Catnep - I completely agree with you and with Survivor's comments. I'm actually taking a break from this for a bit because I was over-editing it to death. Each revision was worse than the previous. I will post again when I can look at it again without that nervous tick fluttering my eyelids. Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2005
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