--Mel

Quentin crouched in the bushes and watched the family load their luggage into the minivan. He had been casing this neighborhood for weeks, and finally someone was leaving on vacation. His tail twitched in anticipation; this house was sure to have a good haul. It was located in the foothills, where homes often sold for over a million dollars. Quentin had found that money tended to rise.

The family finished loading. The father checked the locks while the kids piled into the minivan. Quentin laughed softly to himself. They felt so secure, with their locks and their alarms. Well, he'd show them just how secure they were.

[EDITED to make paragraph breaks more obvious]

Several minor nitpicks follow:

quote:

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Quentin had found that money tended to rise.

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Nice, but it was a bit abrupt. Perhaps you should incorporate this into the previous sentence by appending it after a colon. That way, the connection is more obvious.

quote:

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The family finished loading. The father checked the locks while the kids piled into the minivan.

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Telling, not showing, and thus it jars with the preceding and following sections.

quote:

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Quentin laughed softly to himself. They felt so secure, with their locks and their alarms. Well, he'd show them just how secure they were.

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I would read further. Good job.

or "Money, like hot air and cream, rises to the top."

quote:

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Well, he'd show them just how secure they were.

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I have to disagree with mikemunsil, "The father checked the locks while the kids piled into the minivan." This works fine for me as is, and if you went into a description of how the kids are fighting for the favored seat and how the dad giggles the doorhandle, I'd just get annoyed.

"Telling" version as originally posted:
The father checked the locks while the kids piled into the minivan.

"Showing" would be something like:
He watched the father check the locks as the kids piled into the minivan.

When "showing", a POV character reports on the action. Which would be consistent with the good POV established in this story.
Problem is that in the original post the fact (quoted above) is just "told" to us by the writer, with no real reporting or interpretation from the POV character.

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Quentin crouched in the bushes and watched the family load their luggage into the minivan. He had been casing this neighborhood for weeks,***I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THIS COMMA*** and finally someone was leaving on vacation. His tail twitched in anticipation; this house was sure to have a good haul. HIS TAIL? THIS KIND OF LOST ME. WHAT IS HE? THE NEIGHBORHOOD, THE MINIVAN, AND THE FAMILY ALL SPELL OUT NORMAL EARTH WEALTHY SUBDIVISION. IS THIS AN ALIEN? I THOUGHT OF A CAT, BUT CATS DON'T USUALLY BURGLARIZE THINGS IN ADULT FICTION. IS THIS YA? It was located in the foothills, where homes often sold for over a million dollars. Quentin had found that money tended to rise. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS SENTENCE MEANS NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I READ IT.

The family finished loading. The father checked the locks while the kids piled into the minivan. Quentin laughed softly to himself. They felt so secure, with their locks and their alarms. Well, he'd show them just how secure they were. I LIKE THIS PARAGRAPH

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I'm afraid, NewBys, that both of your examples are, in fact, "telling." In a clearly established POV, there is no need to constantly say. John saw this. John heard that. John felt some other doggone thing. It's annoying. What you've described is more akin to something you would do in a less clearly established POV or in omniscient, if the viewer is important.

But both are told.

Showing would be this:

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The father checked his list one last time as the children threw extra pillows in the back seat. He nodded, as if satisfied. "I'll lock up," he told his family. "Get in the car."

They piled in, the mother in the front seat and the children in back. "Oh, she pinched me!" said one of the boys as he slammed home the minivan door.

The father shook his head and strode up the front porch to check the locks. He bolted the door and punched in a code on his alarm system. Finally satisfied, he headed back to the minivan to join his family.

***********************************

I'll ditto Christine on the show v. tell discussion.

And I'm the only person who seems to have heard the expression, "Money tends to rise." Which means you should clarify it, of course. sigh. I think some of the confusion is that the house is located in "the foothills" which makes one think of a low place.

The tail is meant to immediately alert the reader that this is not a normal burglery. I guess I'll have to wait until I finish the story and have some people read it to see if it works as is, or if I need to have Quentin thinking about being a cat at the very beginning. It's not meant to be YA. Quentin is an adult male shapeshifter who uses his ability to become a cat to steal things.

I can see a lot of people stumbled over the money rising sentence. Does this make it more understandable: "Quentin had found that money tended to rise. He rarely worked the valley anymore, since it was so much more profitable up here."

MaryRobinette, thanks for pointing out that "the foothills" makes you think of a lower elevation. I've lived in the desert for so long that to me it means higher elevations. Does the reference to the valley make it more clear?