Thanks.

quote:

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Jake loved the smell of the weight room.

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Already, I don't care about this character. Weight rooms never smell nice, in my opinion. Surely, there's a better reason for being in a weight room? Perhaps the smell reminds him of something good earlier in his life. But to say that he loved the smell of the weight room just for what it is, well... that troubles me as a reader.

quote:

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The intoxicating mixture of metal and sweat made him feel powerful and helped him to forget how crappy his life had turned out. Most of the time, he lifted with his eyes closed to heighten the effect, but couldn't stop himself from peeking out once in a while to scan the room. No matter the pleasure, he couldn't let go of a lifetime of caution.

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Okay, now I'm really freaked out by this guy. Still, that last sentence says tons about this guy's personality. It's a good line. I feel it should come first.

quote:

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He watched Carly from the moment she walked through the door.

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And you tell us afterwards that she is his sister? This is way too late. I thought you had something really good happening until I found it was his sister. I thought Carly might have been a love interest -- someone he pined over while he was alone... I strongly urge you to say she is his sister immediately, or your risk other readers drawing the same conclusion I did.

Overall, the writing is solid. But I'm not hooked (and not because I don't care about the POV). I'm not hooked because there is nothing that makes me want to see what happens next. No conflict, no sense that something is going to happen or change. Just a guy enjoying himself in the weight room and watching his sister come in. Fairly tame, in my opinion. Still, "the lifetime of caution" almost put me into the story, but then you raised my ire by misleading me with Carly.

I didn't mind the first bit. Some people are strange & may like the smell of a weight room. People associate feelings pretty strongly with smells according to some science programs i've watched. So maybe this is ok. I'd probably try & say that he the smell made him comfortable & allowed him to bond with the room or something though, rather than he actually liked the smell.

I agree about the bit that HSO said you told us Carly was his sister too late. There is a rather dissappointing line in it for me too - 'Jake knew his sister'. Well yeah, like most people know their sisters. I mean you cant really miss them, unless you were separated at birth or something. Maybe the line should go something like 'Jake new his sister all too well'....or 'jake was used to the way his sister expected attention'. Or something like that.

Please could you give us more info about what the story is about too. Maybe i'd feel like I wanted to read more if I knew what was happening. Maybe I need a synopsis or something before reading this first passage.

Sorry dood. I'm a lot worse writer than anyone on these boards anyway, seeing as I've not even finished 1 thing yet. So dont take my comments too harshly eh?

There wasn't a whole lot else that I noticed. This sentence:

quote:

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The intoxicating mixture of metal and sweat made him feel powerful and helped him to forget how crappy his life had turned out.

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Jake noticed his sister as soon as she walked into the weight room. The only time Carly came to see him was when Vera was in trouble.
He watched as she threadED her way past the men and machines . . .

. . . Jake increased the pace of his workout, eyes tightly closed, determined to hold on to his tranquility for as long as possible.

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I am less interested in him because of the last line. It makes me see him as a real coward. If he decided to get in one more set, to make her wait, because he's annoyed at her, that wouldn't bother me so much.

I think it's ok to have a character with unsympathetic traits, but I want something about him that I *like* before I'll invest much in reading about him.

Though it is clearly important "No matter the pleasure, he couldn't let go of a lifetime of caution." seems a bit forced to me. I just doesn't fit in smoothly with the surrounding sentances. I'm sorry that I don't have any comments regarding how to tweak it.

Finally, I must disagree with wbriggs. Jake doesn't seem cowardly to me. Just because someone treasures tranquility is not a sign of weakness. His sister is portrayed as a strong woman, yet he is willing to make her wait for those extra few moments of peace. Because he is willing to do it, he isn't weak. But, because it takes work, he isn't especially strong either. He lands right in the middle, about where most of us are.

Gentle readers, I pose the question to you: what makes us eager to have any woman character sifted out and immediately identified as to whether or not she is the main love interest? Such things are not so tidy in real life and would take some of the fun of exploration out of our characters' lives I should think.

The point of your opening is to hook the reader into continuing to read; I think the question about the woman's identity provides a bit of lead in as we try to figure out who she is. I might even suggest building that suspense a tad as you introduce her, with something like "Dressed in a business suit, the woman walking through the gym looked out of place..."

Also, regarding the smell in the gym... while someone who loves the smell of a gym seems a little odd, you can quickly turn that sentence into something that is a good hook with a little work.

Smells are deeply connected with our emotions and our memories. I think we could relate to the character more if the spin was more about how the smell is triggering a good memory or a feeling of well-being for the character, rather than the fact that it's gym sweat.

Inferring that this smell triggers a positive memory for him also hooks us into wondering what it was? What was this formative experience for the character?

POV. When this woman walks in to the gym, Jake is going to recognize her as his sister that instant. He's not going to inwardly say, "Hey that woman is out of place." He's going to think: "My sister looks out of place dressed like that."

Therefore, by holding back that information, it's only creating false suspense. The POV rule is: If a character knows something, so should the reader. Building up false suspense only creates annoyance in a reader when the suspense resolves.

Now, if this scene (or any scene) were written in omniscient, you could get away with misleading the reader by using omission. But it's not omniscient. It's in Jake's POV. So, you absolutely must be honest in writing what Jakes sees, thinks, and knows. No tricks, no false suspense allowed. One way of real suspense development is through character interaction, and having those characters unsure how to deal with a person, place, thing, or event, impending or current.

For what it's worth, I liked the first revision better than the second. It doesn't bother me that the protagonist likes the smell of the gym - that piqued my interest. As for "knew his sister", I think it's clear that you mean "knew his sister deeply" rather than "was acquainted with his sister", and your statement raises some interest as to what kind of relationship they have. It _might_ be better to say right away that the woman is his sister. I understand HSO's point and it is a good one, but it doesn't bother me that you put it off 3 sentences. When you don't say anything misleading, it doesn't feel to me that you are tricking the reader.

I'm hooked on these questions:
. Why does he like the smell of the gym?
. How is his life crappy?
. Why did he have a lifetime of caution?
. What the nature of his relationship w/ his sister?
. Why is she in the gym in a suit?

These points don't hit you over the head like some of the wilder SF/Fantasy stuff, but for me they are a lot more intriguing. And for me the questions about his sister and what she wants are somewhat weaker in the second version.

Gard

[This message has been edited by Beauregard Doumitt (edited March 27, 2005).]

I agree in principle about identifying the sister immediately, although I didn't feel the first way you had it was too bad. I agree that the sentence about the lifetime of caution feels forced; you could probably make it simpler and more snappy. Something like "...scan the room. Caution was a habit in his old profession." It also lets you sneak in a little information about your background.

I don't mind him trying to hold on to his tranquility; it may be futile, but it is very human. It does seem odd that he increases his pace to do so, though.