The Sky Wept that Night

"The dwarves are marching." The word was out on the street, "The dwarves are marching." The streets and alleyways were wet with salty tears as the world saw its children go to war. The streams of sadness ran down the veinules that ramified throughout the buildings that grew up out of the sidewalk. Down they ran, growing, merging, evolving into a great corpus of lifeblood that ebbed and flowed through the great underground vessels of the city, past the goblin dwellings.

"The dwarves are marching," burbled the brine as it undulated past the city's ribs. "The dwarves are marching," murmured the goblins. They all gathered together and conjoined. Their fluids mixed and mingled through their conduits. The great heartbeat of the city, the very same that forced the tears through the city, moved that brine through the gaps in their souls as the goblin king awoke. He wiggled his fingers, and the street-lamps swayed, he yawned, and the air-vents inhaled; he suffered from morning wood, and the Empire State Building stood a little straighter. The goblin king was awake to defend his demesne; he had only one thought in his mind, "The dwarves are marching."

I was also confused. Goblins conjoined? Brine undulated? The goblin-king suffered from morning wood? I didn't know what these statements meant.

Sorry. I love words; I play a lot of Scrabble. The more words I know, the better my chances of winning. Yet, when I read a story, I want to be told a story, not be inclined to keep a dictionary beside me.

Take that, you belletrist! I shall carve at your magniloquent prose with my blade of words, fiend! Ha! Have at you, sir! I cannot be inveigled; do not attempt to try.

All right. That morning wood comment better not be what I think it is. If so... hmm.

Hmmmmmm...

This story isn't a story. That is clear to me. It is a metaphor. I think that the previous readers, in their enthusiasms to help, might have missed that point. The significance of missing that point is that the problems with this piece cannot be fixed in the usual manner: with POV. If I was a betting person, I'd wager that there never is a POV character in this short tale.

There are many kinds of stories out there, many kinds of prose, and many kinds of writing. We may not prefer all of them, but I shudder to think we feel that all must succumb to the one true form of fiction: A clear hero's storyline with the hero named right away and his quest named shortly thereafter.

No, I took this story to be a metaphor, and as that seems to be the author's wish I will make my comments with that vision in mind. If I am wrong, then perhaps you will appreciate the previous comments more.

First of all, I believe you said "The dwarves are marching." one more time than you needed. The one I would come, if it were me, is the first one. I would start this story with "The word was out on the street." That initial repetition so quickly and then throughout became warisome and this, to me, is an obvious place to cut it out.

Next, I would look at your use of the word "great." As an adjective, it leaves a lot to be desired in terms of specifics and also, you repeat it three times in two paragraphs, twice in one sentence. (The twice in one sentence being the bigger problem, IMHO)

Now, as to being overwritten. I considered this at first. When I read some of the other comments and saw that pointed out I thought they may have a point, but only a very small one. When a story is a metaphor (still assuming it is) language like this comes with the territory, no matter how much it may feel to me like you used a thesaurus throughout. That said, there are a few word choices that might make this a more penetrable tale and might also lend clarity to your metaphor. Because the biggest problem I see with this is that at the moment, I have no idea what that metaphor is.

I was in the middle of a deatiled line-by-line when it hit me....your second paragraph is describing the city as a living being. It only took me three reads to catch this, somewhow. I think I can even describe why it might have taken me three times to get it. First, I was not expecting such a metaphor. The first paragraph did not prepare me to be launched into the body of a city, although I see now that the metaphor started there, right away.

Hmmmm...well, after three reads I think I got your metaphor. The trouble is it shouldn't have taken me three reads to get it. My suggestion: put it in our face right up front. Grab us by the throat with this and never let us go. You start with a word out on the streets. Well, there's nothing metaphorical in that. Then you have the sidewalks wet with salty tears. I suggest starting with the tears...the city is crying. In fact, that first paragraph is entirely your enemy right now. It doesn't set up a body, it sets up a city in the rain on a very sad day. Past that, I'm not sure I can help you without rewriting it myself, and I refuse to do that. So I have given you my impressions and hopefully they are enough to rewrite this yourself.

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This story isn't a story. That is clear to me. It is a metaphor. I think that the previous readers, in their enthusiasms to help, might have missed that point. The significance of missing that point is that the problems with this piece cannot be fixed in the usual manner: with POV. If I was a betting person, I'd wager that there never is a POV character in this short tale.

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Yes, it is a metaphor for the city as a living being. (Oh, you'd win the bet.)

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First of all, I believe you said "The dwarves are marching." one more time than you needed. The one I would come, if it were me, is the first one. I would start this story with "The word was out on the street." That initial repetition so quickly and then throughout became warisome and this, to me, is an obvious place to cut it out.

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Noted. I'm a big fan of repitition (it comes from being an oral storyteller), but I think that you're right here).

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Next, I would look at your use of the word "great." As an adjective, it leaves a lot to be desired in terms of specifics and also, you repeat it three times in two paragraphs, twice in one sentence. (The twice in one sentence being the bigger problem, IMHO)

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Once again, noted. And I really should have caught that. It grates (no pun intended) on me when I look back.

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That said, there are a few word choices that might make this a more penetrable tale and might also lend clarity to your metaphor.

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I have no problem with making this more readable. I don't mind it being challenging, but it shouldn't require a detailed line-by-line (after already reading it through twice) to realize what's going on.

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In fact, that first paragraph is entirely your enemy right now. It doesn't set up a body, it sets up a city in the rain on a very sad day.

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Hmm, ok. I guess that I will need to rework that paragraph greatly.

I would challenge you to try and use more literary techniques - I notice some places where alliteration could easily fit in, where parallel sentances would produce a better effect, etc. And also, be careful with your thesaurus. If you really know what a lot of those words mean, then by all means ignore this comment - make sure your meaning doesn't change. A thesaurus has words of similar meaning, not exact. Although I saw no inherent problem in your piece, it is something to be careful with. Make sure your meanings don't change with larger, more enhanced wording.

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I tossed this out hoping that someone else would see what I was trying to paint.

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Now I'm pissed off. Great. We're part of an experiment for your authorial pleasure.

Your metaphorical descriptions are hard to miss, as you casually toss out phallic references. (really, morning wood? C'mon. You can do better than that... I expect that talk in the locker room, not a story.) Don't pat yourself on the shoulder just yet -- in fact, they were so blatant, it seemed pointless to comment on it all.

I would like to think that all fragments/stories/etc. are put out there to see how people respond.Of course he wanted to see if someone else would see what he was trying to paint. That's what the purpose of fragments and feedback is. We're always part of an experiment, in a sense. By the answer to the question: "Does anyone else get what I'm trying to do?" we learn how we can improve.

"This isn't a story... this is an exercise in wordplay. Nothing more... yet. "

If it was so obvious that this was a metaphor then why didn't anyone mention it before I did? Why did you insist upon treating this as if it were a story? If you thought it should be a story, but it isn't now, then that would have been a good thing to say too, even if others disagree that it should be a story at all.

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Why did you insist upon treating this as if it were a story?

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Because, in the first post, Eadwacer writes:

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This story was written as a challenge to myself, so is more than a little odd.

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No other reason, really. He said story, I believed it. Apparently, I'm mistaken.

When I posted the story on the forums, it was an experiment for my authorial pleasure, but I wasn't testing you, I was testing myself and what I wrote. Was I able to convey what I was trying to? Did this piece of writing work?

Finally, yes, I am playing games with language, but I don't see why that is a problem. Language does not need to be just the vehicle of a story, but can be part of the story and a pleasure in itself.

Humchuckninny, thank you for your comments. I will go back and definitely look at using some of those ideas to strengthen the text. This really grew one day with little conscious understanding or will. (And yes, I was careful with my choice of words to make sure that they meant what I wanted. Though no thesaurus was used, I did use a dictionary to double check that a word meant what I thought it did a few times.)

Anyway, it's clearly the opening to a story, one that makes use of an extended (if rather trite) metaphor, the city considered as a single living organism. I'll admit, I didn't have any particular comment on it because I felt that this brought nothing really novel to the concept and because the critical element of the metaphor, the tears/brine/emotions/blood/whatever of the city, is poorly defined. I suppose that you could have done something with the four humors or with "vital essence", but didn't feel up to suggesting it.