posted
Genre - science fiction (light), history, war Length - 2300 words and counting
Would appreciate comments on the first lines. I'm trying to set a mood and convey a sense of lost hope for the town, also I've been working on effective dialogue.
------- Northern Virginia, 1980
The diner was almost empty; Jake was one of three customers braving the odor of bacon grease, burned coffee, and pine-oil cleaner to sample what was billed as "The best home-cookin' in town".
More like the only home-cookin' in town, Jake thought, staring out the smeared window at the nearly deserted street.
Main Street was a pathetic collection of vacant store windows and dismal bargain shops, clinging to the sidewalk like huddled refugees from some great economic war. Which in fact, they were. Since the national chain planted their flag by the interstate highway and launched another superstore, Main Street was slowly becoming the road less traveled to the Land of Bankruptcy.
The waitress (Cindy, according to her nametag), approached, bearing a steaming pot of coffee. She stopped by the table and eyed Jake.
"More coffee, hon?"
Jake nodded.
"You one of them construction fellas, right?"
[This message has been edited by Three Minute Egg (edited April 25, 2005).]
Overall, I like the writing and the way you establish character while setting the scene. But tagging the location as "Northern Virginia, 1980" seemed like a mistake to me. For one thing, we don't need to know up front that this is Northern Virginia in 1980. In fact, that information hurt my ability to accept the scene being presented.
If we were to find out something about this town (is is Springfield? ) being a bit south of Washington D.C. or the 495 junction or whatever, that would begin to clue us in without impinging on the text's ability to present the scene credibly. Particularly difficult is creating the sense of lost hope, when you've mentioned up front that this is Northern Virginia.
Worse, you might not even mean Northern Virginia. You might be talking about the area just north of Richmond...but because you said Northern Virginia most readers will thing you mean Norther Virginia.
Your dialogue seemed okay, what there was of it before you cut those last few lines
posted
I agree with Survivor's comment about the date and location tag. Bring this up when it is relevant (since you say it's important later, that's when you bring it up).
As far as setting the mood... well... A lot of Main Streets are dire, so... one thing to consider is beefing up that first paragraph a bit by discussing the other patrons in the diner. What are they like? Depressed? Despondent? Chatty but bitter? How are they dressed? Why does Jake think they are in there? Etc.
One more thing to consider is having Jake react in some way to the view out outside the window. He could grimace, or whatever... you can handle this many ways and make it work.
I guess what I'm getting at is to put us deeper into Jake's head.
Just some thoughts. Overall, it's not a bad start. But it lacks a hook to really draw me in to it. Some stories don't need a hook if you start with pure setting (well, that's not actually true, the setting should hook us...)
But Jake is in this town for a reason, whether he likes it or hates it. We should get a sense that something is about to change for Jake, I feel.
You might also consider tightening up this sentence:
quote:The waitress (Cindy, according to her nametag), approached, bearing a steaming pot of coffee.
It's a bit awkward as is. Let me show you by removing the parenthetical, and you'll see:
"The waitress, approached, bearing a steaming pot of coffee."
See? That first comma is unneeded. When taken it out it reads much better.
If you really want to draw us in to the sense of lost hope, then describe her uniform? Is it shabby and tattered? Stained with 8 years of kitchen grease, coffee stains, ketchup, and egg yolk?
Does she look world-weary?
Oh, and that coffee she's bringing? Don't call it coffee... call it something else that will add to the sense of lost hope. There's a lot you can do to depress the hell out of us right away...
Good luck. When you finish this, offer it up for a full crit...
posted
Not much to offer aside from what has already been said, but a bit of advice on dialogue in general for you. Read it out loud. No, don't whisper it, don't think it real hard, read it. Out loud. As you sit in front of your computer. You'll get weird looks if anybody else is around, but they'll get used to it after a while, and you'll be amazed at how much easier it is to write good dialogue. If it feels weird to say it, it's probably not that great. If you can pretend that you're the character and really get into his role, you can play out whole scenes out loud and they'll work wonderfully. I even stand up and act scenes out with my teddy bear if I can't get them to work for me. You might feel like an idiot at first, but it does wonders for your writing.
Posts: 437 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
OK - skip what I said about dialogue (my teddy bears started talking back to me).
Try this:
The diner was almost empty; Jake was one of three customers braving the odor of bacon grease, burned coffee, and pine-oil cleaner to sample what was billed as "The best home-cookin' in town".
More like the only home-cookin' in town, Jake thought, staring out the smeared window at the nearly deserted street.
Main Street was a pathetic collection of vacant store windows and dismal bargain shops, clinging to the sidewalk like huddled refugees from some great economic war. Since the national chain planted their flag by the interstate and launched another superstore, Main Street was fast becoming the road less traveled to the Land of Bankruptcy.
Jakes's ancestors built this town, and Jake was the architect of its destruction. When he built the bypass, when he sold the land for the superstore, he betrayed his heritage.
posted
That last bit you added really draws me in. I'm hesitant to say it comes too late, because I'm not sure that it does. I'm still not immediately drawn in with the preceding information however. But that paragraph is exactly what will draw this particular reader into your story.
I kind of wonder, though, if "he betrayed his heritage" isn't sort of explaining the whole story? From this beginning, I'm guessing that the story is about Jake's relationship with this town, and the bulk of the story shows him trying to redeem himself. In that case, you could just cut the explanation and let the story stand for itself.
Hard to say without knowing more! It might be perfect as written given more context. It just sounds very explanatory.
two you have already fixed: "Which in fact, they were." - Don't need to make a simile and then reinforce it, I don't think. "(Cindy, according to her nametag)" - Have him glance for her info when it's relevant.
and this one: "More like the only home-cookin' in town, Jake thought, ..." I dunno. I get the impression that this guy is a wiseass for some reason. What about: "Jake stared out into window into the nearly deserted street, and decided that the slogan was probably true." That way it hits harder at the state of things, instead of Jake's sense of humor.
I agree with HSO - give us something about the waitress to latch on to. Is she chewing gum obnoxiously (a cliche), does she look ragged, nervous? Is she a mother worried about losing her job and not being able to feed her kids?
I thought it was very good. I hope to read more.
[This message has been edited by jhust (edited April 26, 2005).]
posted
I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read this. How does this sound?
Jake stared out the smeared window at the deserted street outside. The slogan was correct; this was the best home-cookin' in town, because it came from the only restaurant still clinging to life.
It gets ride of the sarcasm on Jake's part.
I finished it, all 2788 words. It fell out of the sci-fi genre and towards horror, to tell you the truth, but not hack-n-slash.
posted
I'll read. My suggestions so far: ([deletions] in brackets, ADDITIONS in all caps) --
Northern Virginia, 1980
The diner was almost empty; Jake was one of three customers braving the odor of bacon grease, burned coffee, and pine-oil cleaner to sample what was billed as "The best home-cookin' in town".
More like the only home-cookin' in town, Jake thought, staring out the smeared window at the nearly deserted street.
[Main Street was a pathetic collection of vacant store windows and dismal bargain shops, clinging to the sidewalk like huddled refugees from some great economic war. Which in fact, they were. Since the national chain planted their flag by the interstate highway and launched another superstore, Main Street was slowly becoming the road less traveled to the Land of Bankruptcy.] [INFO DUMP, AND I'D RATHER GET STRAIGHT TO THE ACTION.]
The waitress (Cindy, according to her nametag)[,] approached, bearing a steaming pot of coffee. She stopped by the table and eyed Jake.
posted
Oh, heavens, look what I got myself into! Don't worry, HSO, I haven't forgotten. It's just that, well, the teddy bear is a better actor than my sister. He complains less, and he does what he's told in exactly the manner he's told to do it. And if it gets me published--espeically if it takes me anywhere near what Rowling has done--I think I'll be able to deal with a bit of harassment.
As for the fragment: I liked the bit about "More like the only home-cookin' in town." I guess you have the final say, but I thought it was a good moment. Showed that Jake is bitter about the town, but still able to joke about it.
I'd offer to read, but finals are in a week and a half, and I wouldn't be able to offer much of a critique. Maybe if you have a later revision, I can take a look at that. Best of luck to you!
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) being a bit south of Washington D.C. or the 495 junction or whatever, that would begin to clue us in without impinging on the text's ability to present the scene credibly. Particularly difficult is creating the sense of lost hope, when you've mentioned up front that this is Northern Virginia.
