posted
The first page of some fantasy I have been working on. I would be gratfull of any feedback. Thank you
----------- The throne room of Komezrea was once a place of both honor and justice, but now it lay barren of even the most simple of virtues. The long hall had been a brightly lit place, filled with those noble in both heart and in blood. It was now dark and dingy, inhabited only by the ancient King Hezdemah. His wizened husk rested on the regal marble throne. With gnarled fingers he clutched tight the golden lions which formed the arms of that magnificent chair. His breath was shallow and heart beat faint. He was a man on the verge of death.
Through milky white eyes encrusted with bile he searched the great room desperately for some sign of life other then his own. But the hall was indeed empty.
“Where are all the people?” The king rasped between labored breaths.
Vigilant ears caught the sound and a figure slipped through the dusty curtains that hung limply behind the throne. It was a man of many years, but still full of cunning and vigor.
Edited to 13 lines.
[This message has been edited by DragonfireEast (edited April 27, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by DragonfireEast (edited April 27, 2005).]
posted
This is an engaging start. I like the before and after descriptions. I wonder if you can make them a little less general; pick out details like objects, sounds, and smells that change in unexpected ways as a result of the degradation of the palace. It might make the setting a little more present and real to the reader.
The only thing that bugged me was the "eyes encrusted with bile" thing. Bile is made in the liver and stored in the gall bladder. It is released into the duodenum, where it emulsifies fat during the digestive process and expelled in the feces...how did it get to his eyes?
Sorry about the physiological nitpick, but I would really recommend getting a different word to avoid confusion.
quote:Through milky white eyes encrusted with bile he searched the great room desperately for some sign of life other then his own. But the hall was indeed empty.
“Where are all the people?” The king rasped between labored breaths.
Vigilant ears caught the sound and a figure slipped through the dusty curtains that hung limply behind the throne. It was a man of many years, but still full of cunning and vigor.
I would take these lines and rewrite them, and take the earlier info and weave that in later.
Ditto on the bile thing. Also, encrusted white eyes wouldn't do a good job of searching anything, would they?
posted
I would re-arrange it like this: “Where are all the people?” The king rasped between labored breaths.
The throne room of Komezrea was once a place of both honor and justice, but now it lay barren of even the most simple of virtues. The long hall had been a brightly lit place, filled with those noble in both heart and in blood. It was now dark and dingy, inhabited only by the ancient King Hezdemah. His wizened husk rested on the regal marble throne. With gnarled fingers he clutched tight the golden lions which formed the arms of that magnificent chair. His breath was shallow and heart beat faint. He was a man on the verge of death.
“Where are all the people?” The king rasped between labored breaths.
Vigilant ears caught the sound and a figure slipped through the dusty curtains that hung limply behind the throne - a man of many years, but still full of cunning and vigor.
posted
I have to agree with Jeraliey -- this is way too general. You are telling the reader about this throne room instead of letting him/her see it for themselves. Show me the throne room is barren of virtues, show me the cunning and vigor of the figure that slips into the throne room. Actually the second is probably showing the first. Also, I think it would be a stronger opening if I knew who was telling this story. The POV is too general as well. I like the picture you are painting here, but as written it is too fuzzy.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Hi, i like your approach, it sounds intriguing, but i think it needs tightening up from the second sentence in the 1st para. just a thought, but try this: "it was now a dark and empty space, filled with an eerie silence, save for a moribund king". AND "Slouched in his marble throne, King Hezdemah, clutched tightly to the golden lions etc. etc.
i guess you don't need me to say anything about the bile ... so i won't. i hope you don't mind me playing around with your idea, i enjoy this kind of material and i look forward to seeing more of your work.
posted
Thank you to everyone who read this piece, with special thanks to those who gave feeback.
Jeraliey- Ill have to find another discriptive word that actually means what I want it to. Its a shame though, I though bile was perfect. Thank you for the correction. As for discriptions, I didnt flesh them out so much because Ive been told I focus to much on them. I guess Ill have to throw some back in. Thank you.
Mikemunsil- Ill take a closer look at those lines. As for encrusted white eyes, they search quite fine, they just dont find what they are looking for. Even if the room was packed full, Im sure the King still would have asked where all the people are. Thank you.
Enwalker- Im not sure exactly what you where trying to say, but Ill respond to what I think you are saying. I dont like putting quotes at the begining of a story. I would rather set the scene before presenting the actors. This is double true in this case, where I want to present the silence and emptiness as the norm before the action begins. Thank you.
Dude- Ill try to focus the writing up a bit. As for the point of view, it seems a bit general Im sure because in the first 13 lines the main focus of the story has yet to arive. Thank you.
Callia- I dont mind you tampering one bit, as your suggestions are quite good. If you would like to check out the rest of the story that I have written, I would be happy to share it with you. Thank you.
You might want to watch out for repetative constructions such as "place of both honor and justice" and "noble in both heart and in blood." I especially notice the last because it's right next to "dark and dingy," which is an example of another thing I'd encourage you to be careful about. There are several places I see you using two adjectives were one will do.
"Through milky white eyes..." Do you need the word white, or would milky alone also tell us the eyes are white?
I didn't mean to imply that you needed "more" description...that's generally a trap, and you have to be REALLY careful about putting in extra sentences that don't move the story along. I just wanted to suggest that you use the room you've allocated for exposition to drop us right into the setting, to make us feel as if we were actually THERE and not listening to a report.
Be very careful about the "more" description thing. Quality, not quantity.
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