I'd really like some people to read the whole thing and get back to me ASAP. This is the story I submitted the first page of for consideration for OSC's bootcamp. He really liked the first page and wanted to see the rest, so I wrote it today. I'd also like to consider submitting this to a contest whose deadline is Monday, so that's why feedback would be nice. I'm pretty happy with the first thirteen, just want readers for the whole thing. Thanks, guys!
The wagon rumbled and crunched over the scupp shells in the sand. Each time Ann and Edward felt one of them crack under the wheels they shuddered. The hatching could begin at any time.
The two of them sat silent and tense on the hard wagon bench, their simple black and white clothing a sharp contrast to the dun of the beach dunes and the purple shells thrusting up through the sand all around them. Ann clutched her swollen belly protectively, though she knew she would not be able to save the babe within if the scupps hatched before the wagon reached the shelter of the cliff caves.
â€śWe left too late,â€ť Edward said. It had become a litany of sorts.
â€śWeâ€™ll make it,â€ť Ann replied, because they had to try.
Edward struck the scaled backs of the placid undru pulling the wagon again. Ann could have told him it would do no good; the beasts were doing the best they could already. He glared at Annâ€™s belly before quickly looking away. His look cut Ann to the core. Heâ€™s wishing I wasnâ€™t here with him, slowing him down. He wishes we had never tried to have this child.
â€śAnd if the babe comes early?â€ť He was taking out his helplessness on her.
I must say, I like these first 13 very much. I would be happy to read the whole thing, although I am not very experienced at giving good critique, I can give it a try. I truly don't have anything negative to say about the first 13, lets hope it stays that way for the whole thing
Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2005
This beginning has come a long way from when you first showed it to us! Cool. I'm sorry, though - I'd love to read it but I don't think I could get back to you promptly enough. I'll just have to wait to see it in print, I guess. Good luck!
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
Sure, I'll try it. Some of the issues that have been mentioned before are still present, but since they're still there I take it you mean to keep them. Doesn't mean I won't comment, but I'll assume you have a reason.
Your POV establishment is still a little slow off the mark, but that's all I'll say for now.
I'd suggest this: The wagon rumbled and crunched over the scupp shells in the sand. Each time they felt one of them crack under the wheels they shuddered. The hatching could begin at any time.
Ann and Edward sat silent and tense on the hard wagon bench,
But I can't tell you why, any better than to say that it felt like you rushed in with the names, because the rule is you have to give the names as soon as possible. This could have far more to do with my feelings about rules than your writing though.