posted
My novel that is. I've sent 24 queries, two have asked for the MS and another for a synopsis and 3 chapters....I was surprised...I thought I'd get some help here first. I won't be surprised if they don't like it...it's not polished...but it will be.
The Gofer
I was unemployed at the time so when I saw the advertisement seeking paid volunteers, I immediately signed up.
That’s when I met her. Dr. Evelyn Graves. Her dark penetrating gaze immediately took me. I was ready to believe anything she said and a whole lot she would never say. Dr. Graves is a scientist. But she doesn’t look like a scientist at all – more like a movie star. She is stunningly beautiful. And her beauty is not the least bit hidden behind her gold square-rimmed glasses, white lab coat and black shoes – the kind that I have only seen worn by nineteenth century Nuns. She is warm, intelligent and meticulous.
She explained the whole procedure to me in both layperson and scientific terms but I don’t remember hearing a word of it. I was awestruck by her beauty - her long black hair, high cheek bones and midnight eyes. When she asked if I understood the risks involved and the sacrifices, I simply said yes, having daydreamed about her and I together while she was explaining the procedure. She had a look I had seen before and would see again in the future and in the past.
Comments will be appreciated.
[This message has been edited by Judas (edited April 30, 2005).]
posted
Interesting. I like your narrator's voice, but I wonder if it would start to grate on me if I kept reading. Something was giving me that impression--maybe he just sounds too much like me...
quote:When she asked if I understood the risks involved and the sacrifices
This wording sounded awkward to me. Perhaps if you rephrased it to "the risks and the sacrifices involved" it would flow better.
quote:She had a look I had seen before and would see again in the future and in the past.
Are you talking about a facial expression, or a ceartin posture, or something else? I'm not clear about what kind of "look" you mean, here. That is, I think you mean a facial expression, but I'm not sure. I'm also thinking perhaps sh had a certain look about her, in the way that the hot girl walking down the street has a certain look about her. So you might want to clarify that.
The only other thing that caught me was that you need a comma after "time" in the first sentence.
I was unemployed [at the time] so when I saw the advertisement seeking paid volunteers, I immediately signed up. [THIS COULD HAVE MORE PUNCH IF WE KNEW HOW HE FELT. MAYBE: I'D BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR SIX MONTHS . . .]
That’s when I met her. Dr. Evelyn Graves. Her [dark] penetrating gaze immediately took me. I was ready to believe anything she said and a whole lot she would never say. Dr. Graves is a scientist. But she doesn’t look like a scientist at all –*-* more like a movie star. She is stunningly beautiful. And her beauty is not the least bit hidden behind her gold square-rimmed glasses, white lab coat and black shoes – the kind that I have only seen worn by nineteenth century [N]*n*uns. She is warm, intelligent and meticulous.
She explained the whole procedure to me in both layperson and scientific terms but I don’t remember hearing a word of it. I was awestruck by her beauty - her long black hair, high cheek bones and midnight eyes. When she asked if I understood the risks involved and the sacrifices, I simply said yes, having daydreamed about her and [I]ME together while she was explaining the procedure. She had a look I had seen before and would see again in the future and in the past. [TAKES ME OUT OF THE MOMENT.]
-- This is summary. Summary's fine as a way of skipping things that are boring, as in "Weeks went by ..." But that's so I can get to the in-the-moment action. You could change the "When she asked if I understood..." to
"Do you understand?" she asked. "Yes," I lied.
I also note that although the character must have SOME idea what the job's about, even if he was daydreaming during the lecture, we don't. We don't even know if we're in a lab or an office. I don't want MUCH info, just a hint.
The woman is a stereotype (beautiful scientist, all business until the narrator charms her so she takes of those geek glasses). Not a problem, if that's what you want -- but I want a hint that you know she's a stereotype.
posted
My only comment is, enough already with describing her beauty. Get on with the story! On the whole, I think you've over-adequately described your narrator's infatuation with Dr. Graves.
That last line really grabbed me, though--at least IF I'm reading right and we're going to have some time-jumping going on. But I think I'd add a bit of emphasis to those last four words by separating them with either a comma or a period. Probably a comma. "She had a look I had seen before and would see again in the future, and in the past.
posted
I started skipping ahead when I hit "she was stunningly beautiful," which is vague, weak, and cliched, and a significant stumbling block for me. Seriously. The cliches would probably keep me from reading on.
If she really must be stunningly beautiful, and maybe you have your reasons, I'd suggest trying to find original ways to describe her so that we can see her as an actual person, not a cliche.
How much time do you have to polish this before you send the MS to the agents who asked? That's great news! I hope it pays off for you.
posted
More importantly, you want to be careful about making your narrator too much of a cliche/cipher.
I think that this opening could work, if it's supported well by the rest of the story. You've got a guy who is volunteering for something rather feckless, and hints that there is more to Dr. Evelyn Graves than her entrancing beauty and creepy name. There's a promising hint of campiness without anything really over the top.
Some of your tenses are a bit troubling, given the direction the story seems to be going. And a stronger entrance for your FP might be good. The current text has a hint of "using 'I' is easier than thinking up a name and background for this guy". And that lack of development might be making it harder for readers to accept the narrator at face value when he asserts that Dr. Graves is so beautiful. Even though he's the one saying it, it really sounds rather as though you're the one saying it.
I would keep reading, if a bit skeptically. That pretty much sums up what I can say about just the first 13. I can say that if it turns out that the name and other details weren't telling what I thought they were telling me, I'd probably end up giving it a miss in the end.
posted
This really works. Thank you all for very good advice. I agree with everyone. As soon as you mentioned the problem areas I found myself thankful that it wasn't just me. I had problems with those areas but at a loss as to what to do. I've edited this stroy about 10 to 15 times and sometimes grow tired and put it aside for a while.
I needed this input...in fact it agrees completely with the sample professional editors did for me. Your advise even goes futher.
I knew this story needed some help but was at a loss as to where to go. The professional editors were very helpful...in fact great. But the cost...So I began sending quires - I figured what the hell. Had I known of this group - I would have waited until working with all of you.
For now I am suspending further quires until - with your help I can polish it a little more.
“Wake up Jay; you’re having that damn dream again aren’t you?”
“What dream,” I mumbled half awake.
“Don’t play dumb with me, that dream about that girl Mary, the one you always have. I’m get’n sick and tired of you dreaming about another woman Jay – you’re pushing my buttons, you’re really pushing my buttons.”
“Let me ask you a question Judy, how the hell am I supposed to stop a dream from coming into my head?”
“By buying me an engagement ring, that’s how.”
“Tell me how, buying you an engagement ring is supposed to stop me from having a freak’n dream?”
“Once you make a mental commitment to marrying me, you’ll automatically stop dreaming about her. These dreams are really a result of your sub-conscious desire to avoid commitment Jay.”
“Is that what your shrink said?”
“God, you make me so mad, you know he’s not a shrink – he’s a therapist.”
posted
Well, I think you've got a few issues with mechanics there. People don't typically address each other by name that much, so it sounds odd when so many of your sentences use the names. And you're missing a couple dozen commas - in short, you need commas to go with all those places you've used the character's names.
"Hello, gofer." "Hello, Mary." "Wake up, Jay." etc.
Personally, I have a hard time reading scenes that are almost pure dialog, especially at the opening. Because it's not grounded in a scene or in a character's head or anything, my attention tends to wander. I mean, it's not until the 5th line that we learn that this is a first person narrative, which is way too late to delay establishing something like that, let alone things like the setting, etc.
I found the progression of the argument a little bewildering, too; Judy goes from "wake up" to "marry me" to "how dare you insult my shrink" and it makes her seem really tiresome and shrill; if that was your intention, then you have succeeded, but it is perhaps not the best way to begin.
Just my opinion, for what it's worth! good luck with it.
posted
Ditto, and: * Names are offset with commas, as in: "Hello, John, how are you?" or "Mary, come here" or "Whatever you say, Tom." * It isn't that dialog is wearisome -- it's the _pure_ dialog that's too much. Give us a little non-dialog: what's happening, or someone's thoughts, or even description. * You have comma splices. See Strunk & White, online * See Strunk & White for other aspects of comma usage * Questions need question marks * A shrink *is* a therapist
Those 24 queries: to agents, or publishers? How did you decide which to send to?
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited May 13, 2005).]
posted
No. This is not an improvement. The other was better in every way.
We get that Judy isn't supposed to come off well. Living with a guy in the hope that this will move him along towards commitment is stupid enough, bugging him about buying a ring in the hope that this will fix things is independently stupid and doubly stupid combined with the living together stunt. The problem is that she doesn't exactly make Jay look like a hero here either. Sure, she's stupid, but he's just as stupid and evil to boot. After all, the reason that her behavior is stupid is because the guy has to be a total spineless jerkwad to go along with it.
In the previous opening, your guy is a dope, but he's normal level stupid, he isn't doing anything bad other than being dumb. More importantly, we had hints that something really interesting was going to happen. This opening is just tiresome, the real-life reason that guys don't like moving in with girls anymore. It's also pure dialogue, which would be a problem even if the lines themselves weren't enough to make intelligent people cringe. You have no relevant description, no real character development...no real story.
You need to start your story someplace interesting. Don't start with the kind of thing that we would almost rather die than hear again.
And no, I never have had or will have this conversation in real life. I'm just not going to do it. If I get in a situation where I think I'm about to have this conversation, I'll...do something.
Hey what's up? Stupid? What planet are you from? People live together just like this all the time. Why is she stupid? And why is he dumb? You don't even know these folks and in 13 lines you've decided this? I think you have some real issues.
I went to preditors & editors, a site that helps you pick a good agent and not a con artist. I sent only to Agents who accepted e-mail queries. I intend to send regular mail queries when I've exsausted all others.
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