posted
Okay, this is a short story (the whole thing is about 7 pages), that I wrote freshman year of High School, but it remains to this day my favorite piece of writing that I've ever done. I'm hoping to adapt it as a screenplay, and I was wondering if anyone here would be interested in reading the story to give their thoughts on how I should go about the whole process - what to keep, add, get rid of - and maybe just on the story itself, as no one has ever given me their oppinion of it.
The first 13 lines have little to do with the story, so I'm just going to give a brief summary:
The story is a 1st person narrative told by an unnamed detective in a small southern town. A man that he has arrested, named Adam Dupont, is going to be executed in a few days for burning down the local church, killing the Reverend and the fellon's own son - Dupont claims that he did this all in God's name. The detective assumes that Dupont is just crazy, but when God himself shows up and begins to speak to the detective, things take a sudden turn, and doubt begins to rise in the detective.
A few other details - the detective's wife has recently left him, and he's been drinking heavily. And God is portrayed as James Dean.
Does anyone want to help out? If so, I'll email you the file.
posted
Show me your first thirteen lines and I'll let you know if I want to read.
A summary doesn't help me decide whether I want to read for someone AT ALL! A good first thirteen lines will tell me if the story engages me enough to want to read it, relevant to the storyline or not.
And I'm wondering, why wouldn't the first thirteen lines of a 7-page story be relevant to the storyline?
posted
The first 13 lines are a recording of the fellon's confession, so I'll give the next 13, which is where the story really starts:
Friday night and I sit in my dark office. I sip my coffee slowly, listening to the tape recording over and over. The guy is a loony; we knew that even before we caught him. He’s sentenced to death on Monday, that’s in three days.
I have bags under my eyes and I haven’t showered in three days. My wife left me this morning; she said I put too much time into my work. When you’re a town’s only detective, you can never put too much time into your work.
I play the recording again. The guy’s voice is going to haunt me for months. The guy’s name is Adam Dupont, and like I said, he’s a genuine loon. I wish I could be there when they pull the switch, but they said only the priest and the executioner are allowed.
I take another sip of my coffee. It’s gone cold so I throw it in the trash. I turn off the tape player and place it in my bag. I put on my hat and jacket. I take one more look around the office, I don’t like to forget stuff, and then I head out the door.
Some kids stole the wheels off my Cadillac; I walk home in the darkness. One hell of a Friday night.
posted
Actually, I don't think so; I suspect that knowing that you want to turn it into a screenplay will prevent me from taking it seriously as a story. Sorry! I'll catch your next one.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Stephen, have you tried the Zoetrope board? There's a section on screenwriting which would be able to give much better advise on that than any of the folks here, because there are people who are actually in the industry over there. I think most of the people here are concentrating on fiction.
There's some nice writing here. There is a point you might want to address.
quote:I take one more look around the office, I don’t like to forget stuff, and then I head out the door.
This is a comma-splice, I think. If it were me I'd use a semi-colon after "office" rather than fixing it by making it two sentences.
I also thought the transition to the next paragraph was a little abrupt. You spent a great deal of detail on how he leaves the office, putting on the hat and so forth, but then nothing about seeing the Cadillac. Unless the hat and jacket, etc. are going to play a more important part in the story that then being without a car, you might want to look at evening out the amount of time the two things get.
posted
The story is choppy. All the sentences sound alike. There isn't any rhythm. Mix up the length. Make some sentences long. Make some sentences short. Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I'm a little concerned about the whole "story doesn't actually start until the next thirteen" thing. Start where the story actually starts. You can probably stick the rest in somewhere else, if it's actually important.
Posts: 1041 | Registered: Aug 2004
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