I would like some readers (and comments on first 13, if you have them) for an 1800-1900 word story, mainstream/crime. Thanks as always. --
Let's get one thing straight right now: I am not a drug dealer. An opportunity fell into my lap, and I took it.
There was an old beat-up Plymouth behind the Safeway, bad paint job, trunk cracked open. If Colleton had crime, then behind the Safeway would be the place for it: trees and kudzu on one side, blank wall on the otehr. The back end of nowhere, like the whole town.
I was riding on the bike path, which never has a bike on it except mine. The path goes through the whole metropolis: Edwards Street, by the Church of God, the Safeway, downtown, and that's about it. I never see anyone except where it goes by people's yards. Everybody else in Colleton is fat and happy. I'm just fat.
Naturally I wanted to look. I mean, it's my town. Nobody locks their cars, anyway.
This one should have. There was a plastic bag in it the size of a six-month-old pig . . .
Sweet opener. * I got a great picture of this guy right off the bat. He's a full of attitude fat down-n-outer who is very ambivalent about his situation and where he lives. At once, he thinks it's nowheresville, but he feels protective of it all the same.
* Loved the "fat and happy -- fat" line.
* Consider taking out "by the" in "by the Church of God" It threw me off.
* In my first quick reading, the plastic bag conjured up body bag. On thinking a minute, I realized it probably was drugs. Could you make it more explicit? Make it clear plastic, etc.
* This story promises to take me on a great ride with a quirky character that has no idea what he's getting himself into. Send it my way.
[This message has been edited by davidedwardsmusic (edited July 06, 2005).]
This is good. I like the character right off. I was thrown a bit by the bag too, thinking "dead body". I wish I could read it, but I've already got a stack to get through--including the last one I got from you about the party guy (which, incidentally I've read and liked...but more to come on that subject later).
So you got me hooked.
BTW, my husband has worked with the drug unit and he knows a lot about this sort of thing if you need any extra sources on the technical side of the subject or anything.
I like it. Didn't have a problem with "size of a six-month-old pig", and I'd be willing to turn the page and find out what else about this bag made it a reason "This one" should have locked his(?) car.
I don't know when I'd be able to get to it, but if you're okay with that, send it over.
i like how you write like you talk. i get turned off by stuff that's too flowery and needlessly long. but your writing is clear, fun, and straight to the point. it's gotten me hooked. great opening =)
[This message has been edited by gooeypenguin (edited July 07, 2005).]