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here is my fantasy story, i wrote the start last year and haven't picke dit back up. ******* Boing, Clang, Dink, the sounds seemed to repeat themselves. Elpin hugged the pillow tighter around her head while in bed. She opened her eyes and realized bright sunlight glared at her. Swish, swish, swish, clump, clump, and clump. The broom and dustpan sped along the worn wood floor. “Why me?” she whispered, slowly pushing a strand of red hair from her face. “The gods are mocking me.” The sounds went on, madly. Elpin tossed and turned in her feather bed. Still holding the pillow tightly around her head. “Holy hell and Andrasta. Those bloody brownies are going to send me off the cliff, “ growled Elpin. “What did I do to deserve this?” Drip, drip, drip, plunk, plunk “STOP!” Screamed Elpin, jumping out of bed. “All that is Holy, STOP!” Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2005
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You spent a lot of time in your first 13 portraying sounds and the price you pay for doing so is you've not given us a character we care for. I'm mildly curious about the brownies, but spending so much time on sound effects would prevent me from wanting to read on. My suggestion would be to use dialog to convince the reader that there is a lot of noise going on. That way you are developing character while getting the point across.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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I liked this line: "Holy hell and Andrasta. Those bloody brownies are going to send me off the cliff." It made me laugh.
But, I have to agree with Elan. Try to cut out some of the noises and replace it with more of the above. You can learn a lot about a character by what comes out of their mouth.
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Ok. If any one intrested i can e-mail the whole story to you. i know the sounds are off, but it plays on to it once you get passsed the 13 lines,lol but i am thinking of redoing the start.
Thank you for the sugguestions and I am really take it in.
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