posted
I posted a version of this beginning some time ago, but I've only just written the short story that goes with it.
Fantasy, 6,300 words long.
Any comments welcome; any volunteers to read it as well.
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For years after Masani turned her back on us, no other hermit came to the fortress of Lhira. On Lord Rakhte's orders, I had carved the patterns of cobras and elephant tusks into the gates, to deny the god-touched wanderers entrance. But my wards were weak, and decayed with time.
And now a hermit was there, in my workshop. Waiting for me. We faced each other in silence. I did not know his name, but I knew his kind all too well.
His face, framed by a shock of snow-white hair, was covered with a fine network of wrinkles, and veins stood on the back of his hands. I knew he had been born after me. Contacts with the gods aged hermits.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"Answers, Master Yarek." He fingered one of my carvings, a whitewood lotus flower, one that warded against diseases. "I want to know what happened to her."
(edited to take into account Survivor's objections)
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited August 21, 2005).]
posted
It at least has me intrigued. It poses a number of questions that pull the reader in. I liked the variable sentence lengths to manipulate the tension. You manage to subtly introduce and name the main characters, even no-name.
Just personal nit: the 'shock' of hair framing his face. I always see a 'shock' of hair being the remainder of someone going bald and it does the Einstein thing, or the balding hippy ponytail, not so much framing the face as drawing your eye away from the face. But it's not enough of a nuisance to send my running and screaming from the story.
posted
I remember this opening. I think it reads much smoother than the last version. I'm willing to read if you are not in a hurry -- it may be a week or more before I can reply. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I'm probably the only one that thought of the hide out of GI Joe's arch nemises, led by Cobra Commander. So the title is not such a big deal.
The opening is still a little confusing. "And now there he was," is probably the key point. It so strongly suggests that you introduced this character somewhere in the first paragraph, yet you didn't. So we end up either reading the first paragraph two extra times to figure that out, or we make a mistake about 'his' identity.
You have another probable pronoun reference problem, "I carved the patterns of cobras and elephant tusks into the gates, to deny them entrance." I totally thought that the wards denied entrance to cobras (and elephant tusks, perhaps). But you probably meant it denied access to hermits.
Of course, I'm basing that mostly on how silly it would be for Cobra Commander to get locked out of his own fortress
posted
Nice hook, I think the opening is soft and subtle.
quote:On Lord Rakhte's orders, I carved the patterns of cobras and elephant tusks into the gates, to deny them entrance.
My first thought was that the patterns were supposed to ward off the hermits (unlike Survivor ) but now I'm thinking that they're supposed to ward off the elephants and cobras. So which one is it?
quote:Just personal nit: the 'shock' of hair framing his face. I always see a 'shock' of hair being the remainder of someone going bald and it does the Einstein thing, or the balding hippy ponytail, not so much framing the face as drawing your eye away from the face.
posted
Erm Sorry I thought that it was clear it was referring to hermits because elephant tusks clearly cannot enter a fortress (although I do see the point about cobras crawling in ). Dang. I'll think about some clever way of re-phrasing.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
It doesn't have to be clever, it just has to be clear. I'd suggest "the god-touched wanderers" in place of "them", that adds a bit of information about what hermits are. Also, because of the assumption of chronological order, it looks as thought the narrator was ordered to do the wards after hermits hadn't come there for years. And non post hoc, ergo non promptor hoc. You have the same problem when you describe the aged appearence of the hermit and the narrator knows their comparitive age. Adding some "therefore/however" clauses in the right places can help straighten things out.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
The imagery seemed enough to let me know what was going on without reverting to adjectivitis. The story seems to be off to a good start, and establishes the conflict early and strongly.
Oh, and Survivor: I first pictured the scene with a GI Joe motif as well.
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