posted
General feedback on this opening please. Is there a hook? Is anything awkward? __________________________________________
On the southern banks of the river Don twenty Cossack families carved a settlement, inching their border ever further into the realm of the Frog King.
Each autumn the central sietch would send one hundred men to be lead by Gregor, the Don Cossack’s hetman, deep into the savage lands across the river. And each year half the men would return with glorious stories of their fallen comrades for the children, with the promise of a safe home for the women, and a report of the enemy’s forces for Tarasa, the chief hetman.
The children’s eyes would light up when they heard of the wild beasts of the deep and of the grotesque form of the Frog People... __________________________________________
Sorry, I originally posted more than 13 lines, so I deleted a few.
[This message has been edited by Shi Magadan (edited August 31, 2005).]
posted
"Sietch" isn't a word yet outside of the context of Dune. And ululation is sometimes used as an expression of grief, but it is usually semi-formalized, people who express grief silently do not "silently ululate" in their hearts.
I have lesser issues with the other terms you seem to have gathered from various sources, but it does make your overall setting seem poorly integrated and rather derivative.
I'm not going to hammer your POV, since this is clearly that sort of opening. But it isn't very engaging as it is. It is too much exposition and not enough opening.
posted
Survivor -- I meant to use "Setch" not "sietch," you're right, sietch is used in Dune, but setch (which has a similar meaning to sietch) is used in translations of russian stories that predate Dune.
As far as ululation, well when they are in the river, they are not silent, perhaps I need to make that more evident.
posted
Although I think this has potential, it's too impersonal at present to engage me, I'm afraid.
I think more detail would be helpful--show us the river and the people. What do their homes look like? What are they wearing? What is the river like--wide and slow-moving, or narrow and fast? Are the women covering the heads with shawls? The children running forward to greet their fathers, or waiting to be noticed? At the moment, this reads as far too generic for me.
posted
The so called 'impersonal' element to me seems to come across in your attempt to set this up as a fable - or at least the style seems to be leaning in that direction.
Is so, check out Jane Yolen's collection 'Tales of Wonder'. They read as if she has gathered together actual fables and edited them into an anthology, that's how authentic is the voice she has imbued into each of the stories. You could do worse than study the opening of these stories, which immediately capture the reader. The trick is in the voice...
That said, this fragment does contain some really nice images: >... families carved a settlement, inching their border ever further into the realm... < >... each year half the men would return with glorious stories of their fallen comrades for the children, with the promise of a safe home for the women, and a report of the enemy’s forces for Tarasa...<
posted
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'll keep at it. I'll be sure to check out "Tales of Wonder," as I am indeed going for that fable feeling. How is my voice missing it? Can someone give me a specific example?
As far as ululation, this is from dictionary.com: To howl, wail, or lament loudly.
I think I know what they mean about your voice; I tend to open stories the same way. It's the modern version of, "There once lived, in the thrice-ninth tsardom in the thrice-tenth land..."
A lot of readers like to be plunged into the world they're reading about as soon as possible, usually through the eyes of a character.
Another thing you could do is translate some of the words ("fortified camp" for "setch" and so on) and then gradually introduce them into the story. I had no problem with it, but then, I speak Russian.
posted
Shi, you should be able to find plenty of examples of modern fairy tales in the anthologies edited by Ellen Datlow and Terry Windling, of which one title is RUBY SLIPPERS, GOLDEN TEARS.
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