posted
I've been having some trouble with these thirteen lines. Something is just not flowing right. The story is 12,000 words, and I'm revising it at the moment.
His hands reappeared, holding the most beautiful item in Han’ei. It had a carved dragon withering up the blade; the silken hilt composed of desighns of vines and wilting roses; even the handle’s end was carved to appear as a roaring fire—a dagger bestowed by the Emperor himself.
I hoped Onwa would slam the ghastly thing back into its case, close the lid, and holler with laughter “boy I love screwin’ with you people!” But only my imagination would see those images today.
[i]Don't be discouraged, for Onwa is proud[i/]I thought, trying to reassure myself.
I shifted uneasily in my seat. I’m not discouraged about what he is going to do…and that is why I am discouraged.
Closing his eyes, Onwa pointed the blade his direction.
First, a few comments on your word choice: "withering," do you mean the carving of the dragon has the effect of withering the blade itself, or do you mean that the dragon is withering (curmbling, dieing, etc.)? I think you meant more of "slithering?" When you say "bestowed" by the emperor, it conflicts with the first sentence that (someone's) hand reapeared, this does not give me the image of the emperor giving him the blade, but rather of him pulling it out of a box (or some other incasement).
"I’m not discouraged about what he is going to do…and that is why I am discouraged" --Huh? Perhaps you meant, "...and that is why I am uneasy."
"Closing his eyes, Onwa pointed the blade his direction."
--IN his direction? But even if you include the "in," I still don't know where he's pointing it. At himself? At the POV character? At the Emperor?
posted
I don't think this is an opener, is it? If it is, yeah, I'm confused. If it's not, it would be helpful to state (IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS SO THERE IS NO CONFUSION) in your thread intro that it is a mid-chapter fragment. Also, give us a little of what the story is about, as well as a synopsis of what's happened immediately prior to the segment so we're at least partly up to speed.
That said, I think the thing that gets me is that the POV feels clunky. It's accurate enough, but you have this first person narrator who's talking about the movements of others. It kinda feels like it's shifting between first and third. Make the narrator more apparent, perhaps.
Second, I'm confused as heck over voice. At some points this feels like it's contemporaray, at others it feels like it's some long ago time or place or more formal culture. The "boy I love screwin' with you people!" totally threw me off. It didn't sound like your narrator at all, nor how he might relate what someone else might do/say.
posted
Huh, you need to fix those italics tags. the closing tag should look like this [/i].
There is a lot of unclarity here. First off, you open with an unreferenced possessive pronoun and a weird verb, "reappeared". Notice the difference if you just say, "Onwa lifted his hands back into view, now holding the most beautiful object in Han'ei."
Then say immediately what it is before describing the details. Say how those details are significant, don't just say that they are. I can guess that this dagger means that Onwa has accepted some kind of suicide mission or other (or possibly that he's agreed to sell out the narrator et al). But that's just guessing. I can make up my own stories if it comes to that.
Aside from that, consider that you have very little in the way of setting for this scene, we have a couple of props and a chair. Also, you're dropping us right in the middle of a scene with no context. The diction variation is a notable point, but aside from the mention of an "Emperor", we don't know that it isn't contemporary. Also, even if you fix the tenses to be consistent, this still feels like the dread "running commentary" type of narrator. Not unforgivable, but you really have to work to make that sort of thing work. Usually, it doesn't work anyway so you're just working to overcome the handicap it imposes on the story.
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