posted
This is a flash story I've written and am thinking of sending out. I'd appreciate any comments on it before I do so.
Thanks,
Shane
Area 51: A New Illumination
Snake heard the whistle just before the explosion. “Blessed Almighty,” he muttered. The others pointed at the cloud of sand and dust that rose from the desert floor. “What was it?” a young woman asked. “Sorry, Carrie, I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.” He gazed at the fence, then picked up his graphite pole. “Toss this over to me once I clear the fence,” he said. “I’ll need it to get back.” He raced toward the fence, planted the end of the pole in a previously picked spot, cleared the barrier easily and dropped with a thud into the dusty soil beyond. “Be careful Snake,” a white-haired woman shouted. He waved and headed toward where the explosion had taken place.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 02, 2005).]
posted
This opening passage makes me think of the Metal Gear Solid games. The whole stealth thing and the fellow named Snake. Did you mean to make a reference to the game series?
Edit: I just realized I didn't really say anything ABOUT the passage. The title intersted me. The passage didn't. We have no idea what is going on. Why is this Snake fellow at, presumably, Area 51? Is he an alien? Why are things blowing up? Perhaps, you could go into a little bit of the background.
[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited October 02, 2005).]
posted
There was one point that confused me. You reference a young woman, then a white-haired woman. I'm sure these are two seperate people, but perhaps using names would help clarify things.
Other than that, it sounds intriguing. The opening lines are interesting enough that I would read more.
quote: Why is this Snake fellow at, presumably, Area 51? Is he an alien? Why are things blowing up? Perhaps, you could go into a little bit of the background.
All that stuff comes after the first 13 lines. If I revealed it at the first, it would ruin the ending. For anyone who's interested, it's less than 1000 words and I can send you the story. Also, this has absolutely no reference to any game series.
[This message has been edited by Smaug (edited October 02, 2005).]
posted
I think that the problem is that a lot of people aren't familiar with the kind of characters you're talking about.
I presume that Snake, Carrie, and the white-haired woman are all members of a group of Roswell/Area-51 enthusiasts, probably at least twenty or thirty strong. They're hanging out near the perimeter fence trying to spot UFOs being test flown or anything like that, and Snake is their infiltration specialist, someone that actually crosses the fence from time to time when they think something particularly interesting is up.
Whether or not I'm getting the picture you painted, the only reason I got this picture is because I know that such groups exist, and your description matches them. But that's different from being able to figure that out if it wasn't something I already knew. I think that you could add a line or two that would point the uninitiated in the right direction, make the opening a little less obscure. Key points would be mentioning the number of people (and at least hinting at their reason for being there) and describing the location a bit better. I'd guess that there isn't a lot to describe other than a lot of desert and a big fence going through it, but saying that there was nothing else would paint quite a good picture.
Other than that, my only nit is that Snake knows Carrie's name, so there isn't any reason not to use her name the first time.
Since I'm clearly in the audience for this kind of stuff, send it over.
posted
Yes, they are kind of Area 51 enthusiasts--they've all been "summoned" there, kind of like "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". They know something is going to happen, and when it does, Snake moves into action. There's about ten of them there, ranging in age from around 20 to around 75.
I hope that helps. If there are any further questions, let me know.
posted
I guess I'll have to change the name. And I don't even play any comp or video games--or really follow any at all. Strange how that kind of matches a certain game name and scenario.
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