The Covert Files, Book I: Nanowar Prologue September 2122
Lieutenant Torvil stifled a yawn as he swept his eyes over the rows of screens. The bridge was quiet, only the low humming of the Titania's engine accompanied the slight snoring of Meyer. Everyone slept on Moon patrol, even now, despite the vague rumors circulating among the Belters and Space Force crews about alien spacecrafts sighted around the Solar system. The Moonies frowned on illegal activities and never participated in smuggling, nor did they traffic in stolen goods, so it was a waste of time patrolling the colony. But Earth Government was hoping to find something to implicate the Moonies in shady dealings, which would give them an edge in the losing battle to hold onto the colony.
For a novel this length, you have more than enough time to bring us into this with more tact and subtlety.
I couldn't care less about some obscure sounding titles (i.e. Belters, Space Force crews, Moonies; all in the same paragraph, mind you) and the reason I don't care about these things is because I have no reason to.
Give us a reason to care instead of just telling us we should.
Why not start the book with one of these "Shady deals" that the moonies are doing. Don't just tell us the Earth Government is seeking the them out for it, that just does nothing for suspense.
And that's another thing, there is no suspense here.
There is no pov here. Who's telling this story? Luitenant Torvil? If so, why would he be going over all this needless exposition in his mind? Doesn't he know all this stuff already?
What we need in the first paragraph of a novel is a sense of character and place, not background information.
And while we're on the subject of exposition, there was so much of it here that it's almost impossible to keep track of. There are like five things being explained in the first paragraph. This is a novel, space it out.
posted
I'll read the first chapter if you like. Don't worry about Swimming Bird's abrasiveness. I'm sure it'll wear off when SB realises that tact is also useful in critiques. There were some good points mentioned though.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
No one should ever be coddled about their writing. Coddling is the worst thing you can do to a writer. Not only does it not help them, but it also gives them the sense that what they are doing is all right.
I would never want someone to coddle anything I wrote because I want to know what's wrong and how to fix it, not be patronized. In return, I never coddle anyones writing out of the same respect.
This is the main reason why we get our stories out there on the Internet. For strangers to look at them instead of having family or pals, is it not? To have a cold, calculating eye look over our work and tell us what works and what doesn't. There is no room for anything else.
I never try to offend anyone. Speaking of which, the critiques that I and others give out are nothing compared to those professional editors will give you. It's not unusual for an editor to completely destroy your work. One may simply write "Terrible" on a manuscript and send it back to you.
People need to always remember that they are creating a product. If a construction worker, for whatever reason, does a crappy job on your place, and now your house tilts to the left, would you calmly explain to them you'd like this fixed immediately, or would you blow up on them, fire them, and hire someone else? Think of it in terms like that.
You need thick skin, and this is the stage where you learn to develop it.
posted
Critiquing is a mixture of positives and negatives. This is not coddling, this gives the writer a structure around which to base their rewrites.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Thanks for you input, SB, and yanos, it's OK to be blunt. Thanks for your offer to look at it. I'll send it now as email attachment.
SB, You're partly right. Reading only that much of this prologue, which is less than 1000 words, it leaves much to be desired. I could even do away with the prologue; it was just meant to show that the aliens are deadly, as further into the rading they shot the Titania to atoms. Thanks, I'll try to rearrange it so that it'll more interesting.
posted
Negative critiquing (and bad, at that), would be simply saying "That SUCKED!" or "Every word was crap, never write again." And so on.
Constructive criticism is where a person lays out what is wrong, why, and perhaps offers suggestions on how to fix it. It's meant to help, and the critics nowadays have given a really bad rap to the job of critiquing.
Personally, I always try to throw in positive words, if there's something good about the fragment yet. But that's not the point of being here. When one finally does post up a fragment that earns nothing but ooh's and aah's, it will be hard-earned and bring all the much more happiness.
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I have nothing to add in suggestions, SB laid it all out and I simply agree.
[This message has been edited by ThisProteanSoul (edited October 06, 2005).]
posted
Alnilam, according to my count, you have 12 manuscript lines without the heading stuff, so I don't think you could really add much more. Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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posted
On the subject of critiquing...it is a form of writing as well, and issues of clarity, audience and even POV come into it at times.
SB is right about the out of POV exposition problem. I even would have gone further and noted that I sense a pervasive plausibility complex...except that I didn't post
Oh well. But the point about tact is an important one. A good critique is easy to read and understand, even if it is hard to take. Tact is a very important quality in helping the person being criticized place the comments in a useful context.
The entire point of tact is for use in communicating something that could be unpleasant to hear, so it is expressly designed to go with the most unpalatable truths. One needs no tact to give good news, after all.
Though I could probably have used a style guide before I wrote that
posted
Like the others, I find the lack of POV an issue. Instead of spending so much time talking about the universe Torvil lives in, you could try focusing on what Torvil is doing. You start this process in the beginning with looking at the screens and his partner snoring, but then you stray from the microcosm of what promises to be a strong scene and jump directly into the macrocosm of the all powerful narrator to catch the reader up on the infrastructures of your universe.
Show the reader the universe through Torvil as he moves through the story instead of telling the reader everything right up front.
Good Luck
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 07, 2005).]
posted
I'm easy to please as far as content goes and I like exposition. So I like this snippet.
But-you lucked into my pet peeve, i.e. too many useless words. In this case you rattled my brain with THIRTEEN instances of 'the' not counting one in your title.
As a bet with yourself try counting how many of your 101,000 +/- words are 'the'. Try not to faint when you tabulate results. Then get brave and delete the bastards! (or at least the ones who are truly unneeded)
I won't tell you how many 'the's were deleted when I finished my final draft of my first novel, but I will admit to 950+/- 'that's which bit da' dust.
[This message has been edited by keldon02, killling a few 'the's (edited October 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by keldon02, zapping some other words (edited October 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited October 07, 2005).]
posted
I want to add that I've read this, but I don't have a whole lot more to add. I agreed with Swimming Bird on this one. I read it several times to try to find something more, preferably positive (as Yanos suggested), but I am unable to because I don't really know what is going on besides the info dump.
If this is part of a prologue that you feel you could probably do without, my suggestion is to do without it. Eliminate the need for a prologue explaining that the aliens are deadly, and open with a more engaging hook---such as the aliens attacking, or questioning a prisoner, or blasting a small planet while stunned onlookers keen in agony. These are just suggestions off the top of my head, because as of now I know nothing about the aliens. I didn't even know there were aliens based on the excerpt posted (unless that's what a Moonie is, and I thought that was just people living on the moon).
posted
You said it best with "I could do away with the prolog." If you can, you should. Really. Cut all this and start with chapter 1.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
My thoughts: * Skip the prologue. When I'm reading, I do! * Readers are suggestible. If your first line speaks of stifling a yawn, your readers may stifle a yawn as well -- even if the story's interesting! Use bits about characters being bored very sparingly. * The 2nd sentence "The bridge..." is a comma splice. See Strunk & White on how to use commas. This is mechanics, so you can get good at it, I'm sure! * Dont' start with people sleeping and nothing happening (unless they're about to be awakened to something exciting -- that would be ok). * Skip paragraph 2. You can give us explanation as needed, when the action is occurring. * Hook us. What's the cool thing that your story is about? Start there, I think.
Finally: when you're ready to have the whole novel read, bop over to Hatrack Groups and see about joining one. Good luck!
Lieutenant Torvil stifled a yawn as he swept his eyes over the rows of screens. The bridge was quiet, only the low humming of the Titania's engine accompanied the slight snoring of Meyer. Everyone slept on Moon patrol, even now, despite the vague rumors circulating among the Belters and Space Force crews about alien spacecrafts sighted around the Solar system. The Moonies frowned on illegal activities and never participated in smuggling, nor did they traffic in stolen goods, so it was a waste of time patrolling the colony. But Earth Government was hoping to find something to implicate the Moonies in shady dealings, which would give them an edge in the losing battle to hold onto the colony.
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Then get brave and delete the bastards! 
(or at least the ones who are truly unneeded)
