posted
This is a prologue. I just like the style where the conflict is exposed before the characters. This is part of a 75000 word fantasy novel, completed. The book and one other were almost published by small house but my editing was too sloppy. (I had even hired a pro to edit these) The whole thing put me off of writing for a couple years.
The reason for the title being "The Ballad of Emily" has to do with a larger than the book plot which dictates that all of my stories are told or sung by bards, usually one in particular. Am I cheating by using ballad as a metaphor rather than literally?
The Ballad of Emily by Wil Ogden
Morning-Wind-Through-Early-Spring Leaves spoke to the one she served. *I bring news, my goddess,* Morning spoke using her thoughts. Anyone nearby would hear her words within their mind. But, aside from the dryad and her goddess, none came here. She stood straight with her bright green hair pushed over her shoulders, clear of her face, letting Maia see the worry in her green eyes and the tears stream down her pale green cheek. Morning knew she didn't have to act so serious or intense around Maia, but she wanted to make sure that Maia took the situation as seriously as she did. "What is it, my dryad?" Maia answered politely though she did not get up from her lounging in a bed of blooming lavender. Maia could communicate using just her thoughts, but she preferred to speak.
posted
'Anyone nearby would hear her words within their mind. But, aside from the dryad and her goddess, none came here.'
I'd just make that one sentence. And maybe change 'would' to 'could have.'
My main question was.. is Morning faking the tears then, if she's trying to make certain Maia takes the situation seriously? Or are these real tears and she's simply letting them come out, instead of stopping them like she might usually in 'public'?
'Maia could communicate using just her thoughts' I'd add 'as well' after that, or something of similar affect, make certain of the connection that they can both do this.
[This message has been edited by ThisProteanSoul (edited October 06, 2005).]
posted
I think unfortunately this opening is trying too hard to explain too much.
First Morning speaks. Then the writer explains that she's not really speaking--she's communicating by thought. Then the writer explains that anyone nearby can hear those thoughts. Then the writer explains that there isn't ever anybody nearby to hear them anyway. Too much of this information is redundant at this point. Just those few first lines read like a jumble of ideas and answers to questions that then popped into the author's mind as they wrote the ideas down. That doesn't give me confidence in the writing.
If it's important to maintain a distinction between communication by thought and communication by voice, then set up a protocol for that from the start. Using "spoke" for both methods of communication risks either confusing the reader or having to explain which is which every time.
You have two characters interacting and a crisis of some kind--that's a solid basis for an opening. Instead of bogging us down in how they're communicating, let them get on with it .
posted
I can see how much of what you tell us in these first lines is important, but I think that it's too much to say all at once, like BuffySquirrel said. I think that if you reveal all that infromation (about thought-speaking and so forth) over the course of maybe a few paragraphs or so, it would be better.
Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Eesh. One minute I see people grumping that there's too much info, then too little. Maybe there's a more concise way to put it. Like simply saying Morning spoke to Maia's mind and explain it in further detail later.
Italics always seems like the best way to me, for mind speak.
Or, you know what? I just glanced at it again and had a few thoughts in the regard of not cramming too much info. Just make it more casual. I could be on the wrong track, but..
Say 'there was no but them around, so none would overhear Morning's thoughts with Maia.' I don't have your wording up to go exact, sorry.
Then, simply say with Maia that she prefers to speak out loud.
Basically... what I'm trying to get at, is make it an everyday occurence. Casual. Because it probably is, in this world. Just describe what's happening, but don't get hung up on explaining it. Then go into more explanation later, somehow.
Like I said. I could be on the totally wrong track with that, it was just a thought.
[This message has been edited by ThisProteanSoul (edited October 06, 2005).]
posted
I only write science fiction and use a lot of telepathy. I always rely on italics; it gets the point across without further explanations. In the first few sentences I use, "transmitted mentally" for dialogue tags, and then just put, "sent" to replace "said". Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I know Maia is a Goddess, but "lounging in a bed of blooming lavender"?
I suggest you try lying on a bed of blooming lavender sometime. My guess is you won't even make it to horizontal.
And I think of a dryad as a specifically forest spirit (though I may be mistaken), whereas lavender is a plant that needs open, exposed areas. if this isn't a signal that Morning has left the forest, then that's another reason to switch from lavender to something that's headily scented but not woody.
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