It was Tyler Manning’s third night back in Ghirawheen. And now he was sitting at a table at a fancy restaurant with a pretty girl he had all but actually met in over three years. Reece had offered to buy him all he could eat and he wondered how she could afford it.

Back three years ago, a friend had bought him a subscription to a new Science Fiction magazine he wanted so bad but just couldn’t get his hands on. She had refused his offer to pay her back personally, instead saying “you can pay me back by being kind to someone else in the future.” He had never forgotten those words. Not long after, a friend of a friend had visited from America and he had become great friends with her before offering to pay her way through college whilst he was in the Fleet if she promised to study in Ghirawheen.

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Note: Ghirawheen is an Australian aboriginal word meaning place of flowers.

Great first line.

Can't use "now" in past tense. He was sitting with ...

You change POV in the first 3 sentences. See if you can do it all from a single POV. Keep it third person but we can only see inside his head, not hers.

I think your premise is very promising.

My math shows 5 (6-1) x 2 x 1500 words = 15000 words plus the text of the letter. This puts at the very outside length for a short story. Anyone know of a Flash Fiction Serial Market?

Edit: Also, where would I go to try and get serialized flash fiction published?

This is when you are telling the story by following around the MC (Main Character). We see the world as he sees it and get to see what he thinks. We don't get to see what other people think of him--only what the MC thinks the other people think of him.

You can, if you absolutely have to, change the character that the PoV follows in section breaks or chapter breaks, the bigger the break the better. But it's easier to stick to a single POV throughout. When you change to First Person for the letter, use different formatting to set it apart.

If you do change the PoV character, make sure the readers are made aware of this as quickly as possible.

It was Tyler Manning’s third night back in Ghirawheen. He was sitting at a table at a fancy restaurant with a pretty girl he had all but actually met in over three years. Reece had offered to buy him all he could eat and he wondered how she could afford it. So he had refused to order anything before she explained herself.

Is that all in the same PoV? Also, regarding the flashback, I think if you'd like me to send you the next bit (a total of 305 words + a little alternative without the flashback) it may or may not be justified. But if theres a guideline that you should avoid flashbacks in the early part of a story then I've learnt something new which is great!

Thank You All,
Mitch

Across the table from him sat a pretty girl he had all but actually met over the previous three years. The girl, Reece, had offered to buy him all he could eat. After looking at the double-digit prices on the menu, he wondered how she could afford it. So, he waited, trying to seem more curious than concerned, for her to explain.

This cleans up a minor miswording in the first(second) sentence, avoids the unspecific, overused term 'fancy restaurant' and clarifies that Reece is the girl.

My rewording is by no means the best possible way to do it. I am just illustrating a way to attain the points I mentioned.

quote:

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Can't use "now" in past tense.

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quote:

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a pretty girl he had all but actually met over the previous three years

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I will concede that line wasn't a model of clarity, but it was a lot easier to understand than some other things. Nothing here I found impossible to decode as long as Reece is both the "pretty girl" and the "friend of a friend...from America" (though I'm deliberately ignoring the question of whether Reece or the intermediate friend is is the one from America). Still, overall it took enough of an effort to decode that much that I'm not eager to read more.

It was Tyler Manning’s third night back in Ghirawheen. Across the table from him sat a pretty girl he had all but actually met over the previous three years. The girl, Reece, had offered to buy him all he could eat. After looking at the double-digit prices on the menu, he wondered how she could afford it. So, he waited, trying to seem more curious than concerned, for her to explain.

He was paying his American friends way though college, and in return she had promised to go to college in Australia and buy him dinner every time he came home. More than anything though, and something he’d never told anyone else, he had done it to make sure she never felt so short on money that she even considered doing sexual favours to earn a little on the side.

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So that's what you should critique if your going too, but your critiques thus far have been helpful nonetheless as i'm aiming to probably redo the whole thing. I have a couple of questions about storytelling though, not so much for novels but short stories at least.

1. Do you think I could get away with every single paragraph in my story being centered around dialogue?

What's the exciting thing in this story -- the reason we'd want to read it? Start there, I think. Based on what you're saying, this evening must happen AFTER all the interesting events, so they can discuss them. I suggest showing us the events instead.

If you do start here . . . I wrote down a possible way to do it. It's got to be wrong, because I don't know your story, but it would be in-the-moment, and it would show conflict. So you could write *your* story, using this in-the-moment stuff.

quote:

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"You're really going to pay for all this?" Tyler asked. The menu's prices were in triple digits.

"I said I would, didn't I?" Reece snapped.

For three years he'd paid her tuition, hoping she was serious about leaving behind her old job of turning tricks . . . and here she was, blowing a wad of cash on one evening out. On him. It should have been flattering, but mostly he wondered where she got the money. And how he could ask, without her storming out.

God, she was beautiful.

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I worked in Girraween, Perth for a while (a year or so) lived at Waterman, and there is a big national park in Queensland called Girraween where I used to camp and hike as a kid. Is the spelling Ghirawheen a WA thing?

I love the idea of a space training school here. (Joh Bjelke Petersen propose one for FNQ if you are old enough to remember).

The only nit is that 'Tyler' doesn't sound like an Australian name. It would be like calling a character 'Kyle' or something. It sounds American and I wonder whether your character might be a yank?

Having said that, American-sounding names are turning up everywhere right now. HMMM. In two minds.

The last line of the newest version clangs a bit, sounds paternalistic as opposed to paternal.

Would each chapter read as an episode without some kind of linking text/thread to draw it all into a whole? I think the whole episode style would need a lot of backstory, prologue or exposition to make work. But it could work spectacularly well if handled with finesse.

And yes I think a story based on a night's argument can work brilliantly well, but would require a lot description of non-verbal cues. I don't know if you could spin it out to novel-length without massive, perhaps clunky, flashbacks.

Edit:
Oh and while I think of it: Arguments in 3PP tense will tend to make the reader agree with/ see things from the perspective of the Main character unless the MC is a total knob. Does that serve your purpose or help at all? And am I to infer it is a 'tribute to David Boon'?

If it's an American name I suppose that's because I was talking to my American friend (whom Reece is based on) and she came up with the name. But most the people I know have AMerican names anyway. I don't know why, except some are named after famous Saints. I don't think it'll matter though, unless you can suggest one? Not Bruce though, I know too many Bruces.

Edit: Okay, I think I'll go with Keith.

Can I ask if you are setting it in an alternate future Queensland, because that is pretty cool.

I now live in Tasmania, not Queensland. You do live in Perth Western Australia don't you?

What I meant in the last post was that I can see no reason why the premise of your story can't work except that the explanations and description of things that happen between the episodes or chapters would have to be skilfully handled.