posted
About 3 years ago I write this short story of less than 600 words and submitted it to WD "show me your shorts" contest. My expectations were low but I did expect a "not bad but..." comment of some kind. none of my friends or family are willing to damage my ego by giving me there true opinion about the piece.
Any comments or offers to read the story would be welcome.
Thanks bob
Tom walked through the park as if he were stalking his prey. He followed the paths slowly and methodically looking carefully at every person. When the path came to a fork, he chose his course with great deliberation. After more than twenty minutes of searching, Tom settled on a well-dressed lady sitting alone on a bench at the edge of a clearing. Her handbag sat next to her with a long stem red rose standing tall through the open top. He walked to the bench and set down on the opposite end. She turns slightly away, protecting her space and continues to read her book, a romance novel “Secret Rendezvous”
[This message has been edited by bobertok (edited October 28, 2005).]
posted
Before I even got to your first 13, I had to stop and wonder if you had fixed the "but..." problems yet.
Edit: Well, I read it. I think there were more sentences than needed to be in the first paragraph. I am quite sure that combining some into more complext sentences would make for a better read.
The woman's reaction was so cold that at that point, I didn't care to read any more.
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited October 27, 2005).]
I was unrealisticly expecting a comment from WD telling me that the story was worthy of an honorable mention but: it was ok, it was too sappy, you don't know how to write, or you should be writing obituarys for the local paper etc.etc.
I was trying to give the reader the impression that Bill was a stalker and a stranger to the woman. She was protecting her space because she did not know him.
How could I have made that known to the reader?
[This message has been edited by bobertok (edited October 27, 2005).]
posted
You made it clear. Her reaction made sense to me.
Some comments:
-It doesn't seem to me as if he's stalking his prey so much as surveying his herd, if you will. 'Stalking his prey' makes me think he's already picked someone out.
-I don't understand his great deliberation in choosing which fork to take. He doesn't know anything about what type of people would be along either fork, so what is he deliberating?
-I like the description of the lady. The fact that she's well-dressed (could you perhaps imply this by telling us what she's wearing instead of explicitly stating it?) in a park combined with the rose and the choice of book make me interested to know more about her.
-And, of course, I want to know what Tom wants with her.
I'd like to take a look at it. I can't promise I'll be prompt--I don't have a lot of spare time, unfortunately, but if you're looking for readers...
posted
Ah, you see I saw it as a pre-arranged meeting, making all of his "stalking" seem over worked. Her cold reaction simply came across as she being a calculating, manipulative woman, which is just not someone I want to read about. Posts: 370 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
The following is a revision that I hope will add to the suspense of the scene. I hope I have corrected previous problems.
I do appreciate the feed back it is very helpful
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Tom walked through the park as if he were stalking his prey. He followed the paths slowly and methodically looking carefully at every person. When the path came to a fork, he paused before choosing his course. After more than twenty minutes of searching, Tom settled on a lady with shoulder length salt and pepper hair, sitting alone on a bench at the edge of a secluded clearing. Her handbag sat next to her with a long stem red rose standing tall through the open top. Looking around he walked to the bench and set down on the opposite end. She turns slightly away, protecting her space and continues to read her book, a romance novel Secret Rendezvous.
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