Topic: Finally, I think I have a beginning that works
scm288
unregistered
posted
I think I've finally narrowed down the list of openings to this one. It's the best I can think of, but it is open to suggestions. Not ready for readers yet. Genre: Fantasy
It was a cold, grim morning; the crescent moon stuck out like a scythe through the somber grey clouds, and the lip of the sunrise had not even risen over the rocky horizon. Dew clung to otherwise dry and dying vegetation. Kalar’s soul was dying along with it, in the early autumn season. He knew that if he was wrong, it would mean inevitable damnation—but he knew in his heart that what he had to do was right. He had a prophet to kill, and it chilled his blood to know that he had no other choice.
The fires of his heart were fiercely stoked against Ramacai. He had taken him in, given him food, shelter—and this was how the prophet repaid him!
EDIT: Another little change. Second paragraph was a bit too slow, so I changed it, and now it's coming more smoothly than ever.
[This message has been edited by scm288 (edited November 04, 2005).]
posted
I don't know what's going on. Why the world feel sold; where Kalar is and who's with him; what it is that he can't do; why eternal death is his fate if he can't; how he could identify an opportune moment; who Ramacai is, whether he's dead, and why this has anything to do with Kalar.
OSC's suggestion in writing class: just tell us, up front.
posted
I think that you need to clarify why Kalar thinks of death in such odd terms. The opening paragraph strongly suggests that Kalar is not used to living in mortality, further, that his death will be eternal rather than the ordinary sort.
By trying to tell us about what Kalar has to do about the problem before we understand the nature of the problem frustrates our development of interest in the story. You know what Kalar's feelings mean, he knows what those feelings mean. So we're just being left out of the story.
Stil, the first paragraph is very good, the only problem is that it makes us want to know something, yet your next paragraph implies that you're not going to tell us anytime soon.
Unfortunately, I'm going to be closing up shop pretty soon, so I couldn't read it anyway.
quote:The world felt old to Kalar. It was strained, tight like a twisting length of cord, stretching his soul out further than he could bear. It was dark, and cold, and dying to him. Even the fire within him could not purge the feeling of death that surrounded him.
The only suggestion I would make would be to purge some of the to him's. It's made clear in the first sentence that the story's describing how Kalor feels, so I don't think the narrative needs to keep reminding us.
Unfortunately, I think for me at least it was downhill from there. I like the odd gloating yet regretful tone, but I had no clue what was happening. I definitely do like the head on the platter. Keep that, maybe, and save some of the musing about solutions for later, once you've grabbed the reader with this plattered head.
posted
Sorry to everyone. It was a bit vague, and that was deliberate. I was trying to stay away from being blunt about what's gong on, but I guess I strayed away to the opposite end of the spectrum. And from what I've heard, that's a bad thing to do.
So what do I do? I really can't just tell everyone what's going on, up front, like wbriggs suggested. It would ruin the feel of the story, make it choppy. All right, I'll make it less vague, but that'll hurt the feel of the start. As long as it works.
OK, here's what is going on. Kalar (the protagonist) is going to betray his friend, Ramacai, to his friend's brother, Mordecai, the King. I can't just say something up front like,
"I'm going to go betray Ramacai."
That would be way too blunt. How do I depict subtlety, without sounding too vague, and without giving away everything?
Oh, and I'll take out the part about 'eternal death', since that doesn't suit the character.
posted
if the big deal is that he is going to betray ramacai, tell us what ramacai is to him. A mentor? A friend? A lover?
Tell us why it is such a betrayal and why he has to commit the betrayal.
This is what we need to know
We don't need to know that eternal death is his fate, yet. We will but not immediately.
We are always assuming this will be a short story and we want the hook to be perfect in the first 13 lines. Short stories don't have the luxury for authors to illustrate the scenes on wall sized canvases. When writing a short story, we only get a 5x7 so we have to make sure the important details are clear enough to catch our eye. Then the audience will look more closely and read on.
posted
Actually, I think you *can* be blunt. "Choppy," as I understand it, is a function of sentence length, not amount of exposition.
Consider this opening:
This was the day, Kalar though: I'm going to betray Ramacai.
This isn't a great opening, but it's not because it's too explicit. It's because it's not explicit enough! We don't know who Kalar or Ramacai is, and what the betrayal will consist of, and why he's doing it.
Another opening, probably not for your story, but then we don't know what your story's about yet:
Kalar rode on a freshly washed horse. Ramacai should have known better than to throw eggs at it -- Ramacai, of all people, Kalar's brother swordsman, who'd fought off goblins with him! He'd pay -- with his head. Nobody throws eggs at my horse, Kalar thought.
My recommendation (stolen from OSC) is: don't be intentionally vague. Be intentionally explicit, about everything relevant the POV character knows. Keeping secrets from the reader is like rearranging the furniture in a blind man's house -- because we can only see what you show us.
posted
I would be wary of doubling-up adjectives and would rather replace them with single stronger ones.
For instance:
'cold, grim morning' could be 'bleak' or 'dismal' 'somber grey clouds', could be 'ashen' or 'leaden' 'dry and dying vegetation' could be 'withering'
These may be the wrong words for you but I still think you can express the same ideas with greater economy.
now, why do I keep hearing dorothy and toto singing 'We're off to kill the prophet! The wonderful prophet of God, because because because because because....'
edit: that last bit, I was just playing
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 01, 2005).]
posted
It was a cold, grim morning; the crescent moon stuck out like a scythe through the somber grey clouds, and the lip of the sunrise had not even risen over the rocky horizon. Dew clung to otherwise dry and dying vegetation. [I liked this description - very vivid]
Kalar’s soul was dying along with it, in the early autumn season. [Telling - show me how Kalar's soul was dying. Weakness, bad skin color, withering away - does his soul really die or just the body it lies in - just a thought] He knew he could not do it, that if he was wrong, it would mean inevitable damnation—but he knew in his heart that what he had to do was right. [This sentence is confusing to me - he knew he could NOT do it and then he knew in his heart what he had to do was right. - I'd rewrite this one.]
He had a prophet to kill, and it chilled his blood to know that he had no other choice.
It was necessary. [Telling - show me WHY it was necessary] Ramacai had been preaching what was plainly anarchy for the past couple of days, and it would not do Kalar’s reputation well if he were to continue housing a known threat. [Telling - show me - describe the fervor in Ramacai's words and the reaction of those he preached to]
posted
"It was a cold, grim morning..." sounded a little like "it was a dark and stormy night", to me. I think the hook is good, mentioning the killing of a prophet. You also do a good job of conveying the feeling of cold. I think there is a little too much description in the opening, before we see the character and the hook.
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