Mala, Tell Me
by Wil Ogden

Just a nit:

quote:

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She felt shame to see herself in the mirror.

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The wording makes it sound odd, because she looked at herself on perpose, and this line shows no sense of that. It's almost like she didn't mean to do it, or someone made her. If that makes any sense.

I'd say this might make your point better:

"Shame filled her as she looked at her reflection."

But that's really minor. If you want some of the same people to check it out as before then just send it my way. If not, that's fine. Seems like you're making good progress.

Right. Using "as" constructions (or tying in two verby actions in one sentence without a pause or a conjunction). I would recommend avoiding them when possible. Sometimes they work beautifully. Most of the time, a rephrase will result in a stronger sentence. Often, two sentences are desirable. Other times, you can rework it into one sentence. But the key is to remember the order of information given. What happens first, what is the result. If you get it backwards, it tends to read funny. It's not necessarily wrong, but it isn't necessarily right, either. Just something to consider. I will say this: I usually cringe and get confused when I'm reading a story that uses lots of "as."

Let's take Pixydust's example:

quote:

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"Shame filled her as she looked at her reflection."

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Here we see that the character is filled with shame before we know why. There are two verbs to contend with for comprehension, "filled" and "looked." Really, we'll figure it out. But what might be better is to rephrase it, in the proper order:

"She looked at her reflection in the mirror and felt ashamed."

Or maybe...

"She saw her reflection in the mirror, and felt ashamed [...]."

The possibilities for rephrasing are finite, sure, but there's tons more you can do that is stronger than using "as" to link two clauses together. When in doubt, keep it very simple and break up your action with two sentences or a conjunction or most anything. Let the reader assimilate your intent, first and foremost.

Am I saying never to use "as"? No. I'm not. I'm saying, most of the time, it's clutter. There are plenty of times when it's precisely what you need. Sometimes used best as set up. Say:

"As he ran around the bases, he heard the crowd chanting his name, calling out to him."

That last example works well because it sets up one action first, breaks it up with a comma (a rest), and then finishes with what a character hears.

But really, it's a style pref. So use them, but don't overuse them -- like anything else.

Okay, Pantros, a crit of your fragment:

The good is that we know this is clearly in Mala's POV; that she's the main character (despite the title which might infer otherwise), at least in this scene anyway, and that looking pretty and well made up is important to her (characterization).

The not-so-good: There's a lot happening in this, but I don't get the sense of anything really happening -- if that makes sense. Partly it's due to the setting. Yeah, Mala is on a pile of silk pillows, but where exactly? And from where (or through what, perhaps) is she watching her lord ride a horse? It's hard to say, because you haven't told us yet. Maybe we learn it in the next few sentences, or maybe we don't -- there's a curtain, of course, and I assume she's looking out of window, so where is this window attached? But developing the setting properly is every bit as important as developing your POV, as well as creating a good hook to further us into your tale.

One issue I see is that at the beginning, Mala crawls from her pillows to watch her lord. She does this, but suddenly she's back on her pillows, leaning back into them. It's a continuity nit, I suppose, even though she's chained to the cornerpost. I assumed she crawled completely off of her pillows, but when I don't see her go back to them and she's suddenly there, I wonder... wonder if I missed something important.

What is important to me is establishing Mala fully before introducing her lord. I think the potential for a good hook may lie in that she's tethered to a cornerpost. I would suggest delaying the lord's entrance briefly and showing us Mala's present fate (without resorting to any exposition of the past nine weeks -- not yet, anyway... wait.) Simply show us where she is, in detail; then once we've got that sorted, develop the lord. Take your time. Don't try to cram everything that is happening or will happen at the beginning. There's lots of good ways to intrigue us. If you tell us too much, we'll feel you're forcing it down our throats. If you don't tell us enough (hint: setting), we'll feel confused and become disinterested.

Again, don't tell us what has happened. Tell us what is happening, right now! Even one-liners of exposition can be awkward this early ("for the past nine weeks..." for example). Let your story develop in the present time for as long as possible. When we need to know how long Mala's been tied up, when it's absolutely relevant, try to develop it then.

quote:

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If I can help anyone avoid overusing it, I'm happy. Really.

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quote:

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Sitting back on the bed of pillows, Mala reached beneath her and felt around until she discovered her mirror.

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quote:

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After sitting back on the bed of pillows, Mala reached beneath her and felt around until she discovered her mirror.

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quote:

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Mala returned to her pile of pillows and sat then reaced beneath her and felt around until she discovered her mirror.

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The last example you gave would be more in line with my suggestion, I suppose. Though, is there any harm in a short sentence saying, "She returned to her pillows."? (or you could color it up by adding an emotion first, like "Weary, she returned to her pillows." Whatever Mala feels, that is.) And then going on with finding her mirror? In my opinion, that's the cleanest and safest choice. Up to you, though.

Anyway, I suppose this is the defintion you're using for litter:

from dictionary.com

quote:

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litter

(Heb. tsab, as being lightly and gently borne), a sedan or palanquin for the
conveyance of persons of rank (Isa. 66:20). In Num. 7:3, the words "covered
wagons" are more literally "carts of the litter kind." There they denote large
and commodious vehicles drawn by oxen, and fitted for transporting the
furniture of the temple.

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And now I have to wonder, is it better to be accurate or to confuse fewer readers.

I need the setting to be mobile, or I have to rework some of the mushy "why I love you" talk later which centers around Lord Robin's taking Mala away from the caravan to each each night by a different romantic stream or other romantic location.

I do think the litter location works for character development as well. Gives it a very mediteranean/arabic feel, which helps. The real questions is: would you keep reading at this point. Like I said, I am already happy with the rest of the story; I just need the hook to work.

I do worry that I never mention clothes. Does this make the characters naked? I hope not.

edit: left out a word

quote:

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I had it in a carriage, but I had a few different people comment that a carriage with curtains for walls was really a litter.

And now I have to wonder, is it better to be accurate or to confuse fewer readers.

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It's always better to be accurate, but to clue in the "daft" reader at the same time. For example, how is this litter moving? You can mention it sways, rocks gently as whatever or whoever pull/carry it along. You do that, and the context of "litter" is immediately apparent. It's not your fault that I didn't know what "litter" meant.

And really, it all goes to what I originally said: Take your time with the setup. I realize you are trying to write a flash-length story and don't have lots of room for everything. My only advice there is to not worry about the length and simply write your story. You can trim it down later.

To answer your question about being hooked: no, I'm not hooked, really. Not as written. I find that she's chained mildly intriguing, but I don't get a sense of her being in any real danger, or even that she's cares about it.

And there's too much happening in the beginning without the full setting being developed. Litter is only one part of it. There's a lot more to consider. In other words, strongly consider not cramming in 3 or 4 different things into one sentence. Here's your sentence:

quote:

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Mala crawled from her pile of silk pillows and watched as her lord mounted his horse and rode before her heavily curtained litter, leading his section of the caravan home. Tugging at the light silvery chain connecting her right wrist to the corner post, she used her left hand to pull the heavy curtain closed.

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That first sentence is a doozy. Look:

First action: Mala crawled. [to where?]
Second action: and watched her lord
Third action: as her lord mounted
Fourth action: [lord] rode before her
Fifth action: [lord] leading his caravan home.

Yikes! It's too much, in my opinion. Let us breathe. I can't be hooked until I'm firmly rooted in what's actually happening. Unfortunately, I've got five actions to digest in one sentence. So, consider breaking it up and taking your time.

quote:

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Tugging at the tether on her right wrist, she used her left hand to pull the heavy curtain closed.

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quote:

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Lord Robin had surprised her that morning and she had not properly cleaned up her makeup from the night’s sleep. She felt shame to see herself in the mirror.

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The above portion seems a bit in reverse, she should maybe look in the mirror, see her state then feel shame and commence the cover-up with make-up. So I guess I am saying: show us this rather than tell. (Sorry for trotting out that old chestnut.)

In this first thirteen there seems to be no sense of conflict, no sense that she objects to her position. In fact she seems to like the guy who keeps her chained up. If it doesn't worry her, it doesn't worry me, but to keep reading I want some sense of what is wrong in her world. Having said that, it makes me wonder whether the story starts in the right place. Maybe if I read on a bit I will be more sure.

2¢

Edit: for clarity
Edit: to complete an otherwise incomplete sentence.
Edit: at 960 words, I'll give it a read, if you still need readers.

I think the story starts in the right spot for the tale told.
I've sent more comments in the text.