posted
Ok, here's the situation. My laptop died and the file is trapped on that hard drive. but, I have a copy on my iPAQ. I can send it for critique only after I can access that hard drive (maybe a week). So, I am basically guessing on the length of the first 13 based on my previous posts.
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In the year 2005, President Bush (the junior) promised his nation a return to the moon by 2018. Despite the fact his challenge allowed more time than did Kennedy's, and asked to do something that had, in fact, already been accomplished in 1969, Bush's promise was kept, albiet a couple of years late. For the maiden flight of this new adventure, the Powers-That-Be, in their infinite wisdom and dedication to nostalgia over knowledge, decided another visit to Tranquility Base was in order. (It was a moment made for television, but unlike Somalia, the media was unable to station reporters at the landing site.) Nobody, not even the Powers-That-Be, expected to find Tranquility Base occupied.
posted
The logic of this sentence is incorrect, given what you want to say with it:
quote:Despite the fact his challenge allowed more time than did Kennedy's, and asked to do something that had, in fact, already been accomplished in 1969, Bush's promise was kept, albiet a couple of years late.
Pan out from the details of the sentence and you'll see that it actually says this:
"Despite the fact that they had more time and were repeating something that was already possible, they did it."
That doesn't make sense, logically. They did not do it 'despite' those things. They did it aided by those things. Of course they did it, given those things! If they had NOT been able to accomplish it even though they had those things, then 'despite' would have been the right word. There are two ways you could rephrase it:
"Considering (or Given) the fact that they had more time and were repeating something that was already possible, they did it."
OR
"Despite the fact that they had more time and were repeating something that was already possible, it took them a surprisingly long time to do it (or something like that)."
Other than that, I have no big problems. My personal taste wouldn't be interested in a story starting with, as pantros put it, a history lesson, but I don't think that makes it a wrong choice.
posted
This story is so my cup of coffee! I didn't mind the history intro since the style is informal. I read pages and pages of political and historical background in 'Looking for the Mahdi" from N. Lee Wood and found it incredibly entertaining. Of course, in a 2100 word short, that's not going to happen.
'Nobody, not even the Powers-That-Be, expected to find Tranquility Base occupied'.
Reminded me of Goldie Locks and the Three Bears. Somebody's been using *my* Tranquility Base...
Me wants to keep reading! Send a copy my way if you want.
As for:
'Despite the fact his challenge allowed more time than did Kennedy's, and asked to do something that had, in fact, already been accomplished in 1969, Bush's promise was kept, albiet a couple of years late'.
Yes, the structure is confusing. Maybe too many commas. My advice is, figure out the info you want to deliver the reader and rewrite it.
posted
"Despite the fact his challenge allowed more time than did Kennedy's, and asked to do something that had, in fact, already been accomplished in 1969, Bush's promise was kept, albiet a couple of years late."
I was assuming that this was irony. In which case, it's pretty amusing. Was I right?
posted
Interesting start. The hook is that Tranquility Base is occupied. It think you can state that stronger--the beginning does take away from this sentence. I'll read. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I'll go with OSC's dictum that the first paragraph is free. You can start with a history lesson if it helps.
I'm not sure it will, here. All you need can be done in one sentence:
In 2018, NASA returned to its former landing site on the moon, Tranquility Base.
and then we can get straight to the hook:
Nobody expected to find it occupied.
You may even be able to collapse this further.
That is, some stories may need the history lesson, but I don't think yours does.
It's a great hook.
Nits: I don't see NASA (I assume that's the Powers that Be?) as obsessed with nostalgia; I'd need convincing.
It was a moment made for television, but unlike Somalia, the media was unable to station reporters at the landing site.: it sounds like that Somalia was able to station reporters at the landing site. (If you drop the Somalia reference, I still wonder: why could we get this on TV? After all, we got the original moon landing on TV.)
posted
The sentence that everyone is up in arms about is, in fact, not exactly as the current revision reads. This was my best recollection of how I reworded that sentence.
Also, bear in mind that this is farce, so the reference to the Apollo 11 mission is meant to be a bit snide. The history lesson is important to the story, or rather, the fact that they arrived late is important.
I will send the manuscript out once I can access it.
posted
Oh dear. I didn't mean to come across as 'up in arms'. I apologize if my comment was stronger than intended.
Posts: 470 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I'm almost back on my feet with the computer situation. I'll probably send out the manuscript this evening after I install my word processor on the new computer. Thanks all for the patience.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
"I'll go with OSC's dictum that the first paragraph is free. You can start with a history lesson if it helps.
I'm not sure it will, here. All you need can be done in one sentence:
In 2018, NASA returned to its former landing site on the moon, Tranquility Base."
I have to say that I completely and utterly disagree. The whole flavor of this opening is in the set up for the punchline that the base is occupied. The style and strong narrative voice is as much the hook as the fact that the base is occupied. I loved the opening. I think the second sentence should be altered--I know you're going for irony, but I don't think 'despite' is the word you want. Since you say this sentence isn't in your current version, I won't nit-pick.
Anyway, sounds like your story's a good read. Liked the opening.
posted
aperion gets it. The second sentence was very troublesome. The manuscript has been submitted for publication, so anyone who currently has a copy, don't spent an inordinate amount of time on it. Here's how the first 13 ended up:
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In the year 2005, President Bush (the junior) promised his nation a return to the moon by 2018. Bush’s promise was kept, even if his challenge allowed more time than did Kennedy's, and asked to do something that had already been accomplished in 1969, and was a couple of years late. For the maiden flight of this new adventure, the Powers-That-Be, in their infinite wisdom and dedication to nostalgia over knowledge, decided another visit to Tranquility Base was in order. Nobody, not even the Powers-That-Be, expected to find Tranquility Base occupied. It was in the fall of the year 2021 that one Albert "Dancing Flamingo" Lewis and his four (wo)man crew landed on the moon just a few hundred yards from the remains of...
posted
Love your rewrite, the first sentence had me laughing and wanting to read more. Best of luck on its submission. The tone is very clear now.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I like the rewrite better than the original, but I have to say, I still don't see the farce. Sorry. I have a picky sense of humor. Usually only good sarcasm at no one particular person's expense will get me LOL.
The idea of a short opening with a history lesson isn't what bothers me, but the infodump style does. It bothers me because it appears as if the entire story is going to be expositive--is it?
I'm a character-centric reader and writer and I don't find myself identifying with anyone yet. Have I missed it? Was there someone with whom I was intended to identify?
Good luck on the submission--where'd you send it? Have to keep my eyes open for it :)
posted
Yup, tons better than the original. The humour clearly shows through, and that second sentence is priceless.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
We got OSC's humor comments very clearly at bootcamp 2005 while we reviewed one author's manuscript (not mine).
I'm not surprised, nor am I at all concerned that it doesn't strike everyone as funny. Humor is a very delicate and personal thing. Not everyone thinks the Three Stooges is funny, but I think they are hysterical. ON the other hand, I think the winning video on America's Funniest Home Videos is usually the stupidest one.
Everyone who read the entire manuscript thought it was funny. Does that mean everyone will? Not likely. I only hope it finds some editors that do.
posted
I realized the piece was intended as humor, but on the other hand my favorite television show is "The Daily Show," with Jon Stewart. (Political humor, ie, quote: "the best fake television news in the business" endquote. http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_daily_show/index.jhtml
Just using "The Powers That Be" was enough to tip me off.
I'd read if you would like me to.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited December 12, 2005).]
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