posted
I am in the process in re-writing a SF story that I had begun over 5 years ago. The original version is about 3000 words with a very scattered POV. Hopefully I have learned something since then and will be able to improve it. For those of you who looked at my Fallen post, this is the story that inspired it or is basically the beginning.
Heavy machines hummed around the young man as he cleaned up the chemical spill. As an entry-level assistant, it meant that he did all of the jobs nobody else wanted to do. He had just started a month ago, right after his 14th birthday and was still getting used to every thing.
"Jaksen! Get over here now!"
Prompted by the loud yell, Jaksen hustled towards the foreman. The big man stood there with his slicked back hair and a scowled face. Jaksen had already learned two important things about this man; never keep him waiting and expect the worst when he yells.
With a nervous voice, the gangly new hire responded, "Yes sir."
[This message has been edited by Winship (edited November 29, 2005).]
posted
Seems ok to me. I can't see anything overly wrong with it, possibly some minor grammar mistakes. I'm new to critiquing others works so I can't really help out. Maybe just a little more detail on why Jakson is gangly.
Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I think the biggest problem is all the expostion (back-story) you've slapped into the opening sentences. Spread it out. Hook the reader into the story first.
If the story is less than five thousand word, send me a copy and look at it. You can email it to Bissell@DirecWay.com
posted
You wait until the dialogue to name your character, which can be a little distancing.
The phrase "a scowled face" seems a little odd. What would he be scowling besides a face? You could simply say "a scowl" and have the line be cleaner.
quote: With a nervous voice, the gangly new hire responded,
Up to this point we've been in Jaksen's POV, albeit not very deeply, this pops me right out. I could be wrong, but I doubt that Jaksen things of him self as "the gangly new hire" or as speaking "with a nervous voice." You could let us know all of that information in his POV by speaking about his personal experience. Something like, "Jaksen winced internally as his voice cracked up an octave..." or having him trip over his own feet or be too aware of his hands.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited November 29, 2005).]
posted
I had to read the first paragraph twice, which means it wouldn't work for me. The word picture of the foreman was good, though. Also, my brain wanted to read this both "Jacknife" and "Jay-knife". Just so you know.
Posts: 366 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
After looking over everthing I just felt that I had started a few seconds to early since the my main point of this scene in the story is to show how bad the MC life was as he grew up.
A powerful backhand knocked Jaksen off his feet and left him sprawled in the middle of the walkway. With blurred vision, the young man looked up at the foreman. The big man stood over Jaksen with massive arms folded across his barrel like chest and slicked back hair. Through cruel sneer, the foreman bellowed down to Jaksen. "I don't take lip from a punk like you. You do what I tell you or this is only the start."
Jaksen’s attention was pulled to his arm as he felt a burning pain. He jumped up and furiously brushed off the dry powder from the spill he had been cleaning up moments before. Filled with a cold darkness, Jaken turned to glare at the foreman only to find the big man had walked away.
[This message has been edited by Winship (edited November 30, 2005).]
posted
I think your first choice of starting place was better because it grounded me in a sense of place and relationship. In the new version, I start off with confusion. The first sentence could mean a lot of different things including the possibility that Jaksen deserved to be hit. I just don't know because you started after the incident which causes the blow.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
I like the second version a lot better. In the first version it's seems like you're spouting a bunch of facts. More like stage direction than POV. How does the MC feel about having to do the jobs no one else wants? Is he frustrated? Does he understand that this society has to work that way? I have no idea. In the second piece I'm getting much more feeling out of less information (which I think is good). At this point I don't need to know that he's 14, but I do need to know what his life is like, and how he responds to his treatment. I feel this is much more important to developing the character than a list of facts. A quick note: I'd prefer you got rid of the word big. If he has big arms and a big chest, I'm assuming he's a big guy. It just seems to weaken the sentence. Much better, keep it up :)
Posts: 28 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Why call him 'young man' in that first sentence. Seems like your holding back his name for no good reason.
Posts: 60 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
There's much to like about version 2. Gripping.
I think you must tell us immediately why the foreman knocked him down. What did he say? Was he justified in saying it? Did he know he was cruising for a bruising? Otherwise, I'm lost.
Minor but important point: "A powerful backhand knocked Jaksen off his feet and left him sprawled in the middle of the walkway. With blurred vision, the young man looked up at the foreman. The big man..." I can't tell how many people are in this scenario. Jaksen, a young man, a foreman, and a big man. It took a little thinking to resolve it. Better to give us 2 names and stick with them. If you need to give us info, you can still do it:
With blurred vision, Jaksen looked up at the foreman. The foreman -- a big man -- ...
posted
Oddly, I'm torn between the two versions. Each has its merits. Certainly, the second one is more powerful emotionally, but I have less interest in it. Violence for no good reason turns me right off. (actually, I might be falling prey to personal negative experiences as a child subjected to physical violence - I like Jak and don't want this "stranger"/his boss to beat him up for no good reason; it weakens Jak and makes the boss just An Evil Boss).
I have no problem whatsoever with reading/writing violence when it serves a purpose, but there has to be a reason--and I have to feel the victim deserves it or know s/he does not and will "get even" (for me).
Here, what relationship do these two have that there's physical violence in the workplace? will there be any consequences for either party or is this a given of the hostile work environment? and what *is* the work environment? I have no clue)
In the first version, I got a MUCH better sense of Jak/the MC and yet, there wasn't as much movement of the story so I wasn't as hooked there either.
It seems like a tradeoff. Pity you can't just meld the two together and still be at 13 lines - that'd be PERFECT!! :)
If you do a 3rd cut, please post. I'm not sure what this story is, but I'm willing to wait to find out if I don't get smacked for no good reason or bored waiting for the shoe (arm) to drop.
By the way, did you say what genre this is? And length or expected length?
-sry
[This message has been edited by sry (edited December 13, 2005).]
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