I had originally planned to critique at least a dozen or so entries before I tossed up one of my own. What can I say? I am weak, but I promise I will keep critiquing.

Genre is high fantasy. My intentions are to keep this to novella length, but I fear it may creep to full novel proportions. This fragment is for one of three protagonists that will eventually fall in with each other. I'll take care of them, as well as the antagonist, in rotating third person POV.

I'm not looking for any readers yet. I think I want to flesh out the initial encounters first. Any and all feedback on this fragment is welcome, of course!

This came out two words over the 13 lines by the criteria used for F&F.

Falki woke. The last tendrils of a troubled sleep unraveled and pricked down his spine. He squirmed out from under a pile of rags that served as blankets. Moments later, a cruel draught crawled up his leg as he peed into a reeking chamber pot.
He glanced over his shoulder at his mother, curled around an empty nest of rags by the fading fire. He sucked at his lower lip. The ivory moon called to him, whispered silvery secrets in his ear. Curiosity won out over fear of his mother’s wrath. He lowered himself to the cold dirt floor and wriggled partially underneath the oiled hide flap stretched across the doorway.
Falki listened; clear, brumal air cradled his moon-locked gaze until an ebony silhouette winged across the pale disc and its attendant sea of stars, swallowing great swaths of glittering sky-diamonds.

I don't think the lower lip biting is explained well... something about looking at his mom while he's peeing and biting his lip?

It seemed like you were trying to communicate his hesitance to go outside, but it came off a little wrong to me. Seemed like him and his mom got something going on. Maybe try having him glance between her and the moon and door or something to show hesitance a little more clearly? Dunno, maybe just me.

Also, the thing in the sky is not really clear. Is he seeing some alien creature or machine? I don't get it. It sounds like this thing is literally swallowing the stars.

If this is intentional, then I think it's rather intriguing and would love to read on and hear how/why it is doing this. If not...well, there you have it.

Regardless, I did like it and I would keep reading.

-I'll be checking back for when you're ready to email out the whole deal.

I'll just hang out and bite my nails some more while I wait on any other comments

A lot of stories begin with the character waking up and it is often considered a cliché. It may be exactly the right spot to start and be entirely appropriate or it may not. I wonder whether the 'waking up' is critical to this scene.

To me it seems that the most important thing so far is that Falki has an affinity with the moon and witnesses a shadow pass across it. He doesn't have to have woken up in the middle of the night to be up and about. The reason he is up could be an opportunity for characterisation maybe something like:Falki was up late practising his letters in the moonlight when the shadow passed.
That sort of thing gives us both information about setting and the character etc.

Back on the language thing, if you are wanting to employ that sort of language you will be making a trade-off: artistic imagery for brevity and impact. That may be a trade-off you are happy to make in this instance, but in other places you may not.

One other thing I did not follow: He squirms out from under the blankets, takes a leak then gets out of bed. The staging seems out of whack unless he is peeing in the pot while he is still in bed. That may be the case, certainly possible with a chamber pot. I just think it needs clarifying, especially when the 'draught' up the legs and the 'glancing over the shoulder' just as easily implies that he is standing.

One little nit: the plural of swath/swathe is swathes. At least it is here is Australia.

I also think brumal may trip many readers. They may think they are going to have to keep referring to the dictionary the whole way through your book. Winter may be simpler and serve the story better, but this may just reflect my bias for less ornamental words.

I would probably read a few more paragraphs hoping to get more information/interest in the charatcer/s.

Thanks for letting us read this.

Here's a revision. Hopefully it simplifies the scene while still maintaining the eerie, mysterious feeling. I had to bump the dark shape out of the first 13, but perhaps the "moon-talk" is more interesting to the reader anyway.

It seems to me that you begin quite will with the slipping out from under the pile of rags and the hesitation about mother. It doesn't feel like it matters whether he just woke up of was awake and decided to go out.

Once the Christmas panic subsides I'll probably be back with another revision. In the meantime if anybody else has anything to add, the more, the merrier! I would especially be interested in hearing from hoptoad and zephyr if they thought the second revision worked better for them

I suppose I should throw out a few responses (in a completely non-defensive way, of course):

quote:

---

I doubt it would be possible to maintain this kind of writing for the length of this story, which I think would be more likely to be novel length. You are sounding almost Miltonish.

---

I agree. My writing tends to the grandiose in the first page(s) of nearly anything or when I want to evoke more emotion. This may be a good thing if I can tone it down to a reasonable level. I will take the Miltonish comment as a half-compliment and flatter myself by thinking you meant it in the spirit of Paradise Lost rather than his Puritanical propaganda. Don't worry, I can see how it would put off some readers either way, though.

quote:

---

between his lip chewing and the argent moonlight should be a break

---

arriki, I could argue either way, but I was wondering if you think the argent moon-glow sentence would benefit from standing as its own paragraph between the original two, or would you suggest moving it to the beginning of the second?

quote:

---

Watch how many adjectives you cram into a sentence, look to cut down on these and your work will read a lot easier.

---

Jonny, I'm working on it. I think part of my problem is my enthusiasm to render the scene so perfectly as I see it in my head. In the process I forget that readers have imaginations of their own. On a scale beginning at aquamarine blue and ending at violent grape, how purple is my prose?

Anyway, thanks again, all. I'm off to see if there's anything that needs critiquing.

I don't know how the moonlight gets into the hut and competes with the firelight but this can be cleared up.

So this character can hear the moonbeams? That's interesting. Maybe make the connection stronger, let us know unmistakably that he has this connection.

Just a note:
You will always have poeple disagreeing about your pieces; make sure that you consider all the comments but never take on-board those changes/comments you are not satisfied serve the aim of your story. .
.
.
.
.

I just like others to know I appreciate their suggestions and that means I consider them all and let them know. Hopefully it gets me a wealth of feedback. Usable or not, it all helps.

I would say in this case, less description is better. Find a happy medium between this and no description. Don't get me wrong, I like imagery. But ya know, I really like knowing what people are thinking, what does he fill about all this stuff that he is seeing.

I wouldn't change anything. I like the part about sucking on his lower lip. Its human nature. Its a sign of deep thought. I was a homicide detective for the City of New Orleans. I received a dump truck load of training in Kinesic Interviewing and Interpretation, in other words, reading people's body language when they are being interrogated. Reading a person's body language and comparing it to the words pouring out of their mouth tells us if the person is not quite as forth coming as they should be. A natural instinctive gesture that most people do when in deep thought is bite, suck on, lick or in some way, orally play with their lower lip.

I read your piece and I picture a person steeped in poverty or a dire situation just awaking from a deep slumber and seeing their mother, the person that gave them life, a person meant to be exulted having to lie in rags. How could that person not be moved into some deep thought?

I like it. It not only hooked me but moved me.