posted
This is a prologue to a dark fantasy novel which is about 20% complete (15k words). Most of scenes in the first chapter have had positive critiques from my writers group but I am struggling with a hook.
I decided to write an intro/prologue that features the villain rather than the protagonist. Constructive comments welcome.
(deleted)
[This message has been edited by Veneficium (edited February 10, 2006).]
posted
The first thing that bothered me – a real nit – was the “weary” attendant “hurried” to his side. Maybe shuffled?
I don’t know that you should start with Mallus storming in. That raises the question of “from where” which I don’t think you really want to raise. Why not just open with the room of tarnished coffins? Or, better yet, some summation that segues nicely into the room and then we focus on Mallus and the attendant shuffling over to him.
Isn’t “proscribe” the wrong verb? Mallus forbid the yield?
That being said, I rather liked this opening. It seems rife with possibilities.
posted
You set the scene very quickly and secured my interest. Good job.
However, there were a lot of adjectives. So many adjectives, in fact, that it made the reading a bit more difficult than your story deserves.
I suggest going to the library and checking out a copy of Noah Lukeman's "The First Five Pages". The first exercise in that book is "Adjectives and Adverbs". Or, go to Notebored and try out the same exercise, there. http://www.notebored.com/board/index.php You'll have to register to see the exercises.
posted
I was mostly content, but I did want to get to the issue a little more quickly. Nit: when we found something highlighted from within (1st sentence) my first thought was that it was MC's face.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Reading your first lines gave an immediate and detailed picture of the opening scene. Based on that strong impression I would have continued to read. Great job.
In addition to the misuse of "proscribed" and heavy use of adjectives/adverbs already mentioned, I would also take a look at the heavy use of appositive phrases (noun phrases that modify nouns or pronouns- you can quickly recognize them by seeing how they are delineated by commas).
You might also want to familiarize yourself with "Endymion" by Dan Simmons- if you haven't already read it . Resurrection technology plays a big part in Simmons' well-known series, and you might want to make a special effort to distinguish your take on this interesting idea.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
. Resurrection technology plays a big part in Simmons' well-known series, and you might want to make a special effort to distinguish your take on this interesting idea.
