Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Abandoned Alley

   
Author Topic: The Abandoned Alley
Monolith
Member
Member # 2034

 - posted      Profile for Monolith   Email Monolith         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This is the begining to something that came from a flash challenge at Liberty Hall.

And yes, Mike, I have done more to it, but will finish it sometime this weekend.

So any nits you find, please let me know.

The genre I'm going for is sort of horror/suspense or something of the sort. 551 words so far.

The first 13 is a bit drab, but it does get going after a bit.

Thanks,

Monolith


James Ellis looked at his frosty mug that sat on the bar at his favorite pub. Glancing up, he saw the scornful frown of Mike, the bartender. Shaking his head, James rubbed his finger against the cool glass, watching the amber liquid slosh around.

“You going to look at it all night or you want another?”

“I think that I’m done for now, Mike. The misses will be mad if I’m late again. You know how that goes,” James said getting up from his stool. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out more than enough money to pay for his drinks and laid it on the wooden bar. Slightly staggering from being drunk, James made his way to where his new wool coat hung. Shrugging it on, he opened the door and bid the pub a good evening by waving his hand as he shut the door behind him.


[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2006).]


Posts: 340 | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
x__sockeh__x
Member
Member # 3069

 - posted      Profile for x__sockeh__x   Email x__sockeh__x         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hm. I think the writing's good, but I don't know anything about the story yet. If I were you, I would consider adding some plot or something into the first 13 - I know it probably comes in later, but we're only allowed to look through a peephole, not open the whole door to your story (Does this make sense? Lol). Hope this helps, and good luck with the story! =)
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Spaceman
New Member
Member # 9240

 - posted      Profile for Spaceman           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm moderately interested, but I need something to happen very soon. This smells of the "waking up and it's a beautiful morning" syndrome. that kind of opening only works if you can quickly show that it isn't such a beautiful morning afer all. Since I don't know what happens next, I don't know whether or not you've made a mistake.


"Slightly staggering from being drunk, James made... "

This is not worded well, I think. He's in a bar, I know why he's staggering.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
krazykiter
Member
Member # 3108

 - posted      Profile for krazykiter   Email krazykiter         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's a nice scene, but a bit "generic." There seems to be some tension between James and the bartender in the first paragraph which evaporates when they start talking.

In fact there appears to be a lot of that. First, I think he's a guy drinking his troubles away, but in the middle he sounds like he's just having a quiet drink to unwind. Then toward the end it sounds like he should be drunker than he is.

If he's drinking to forget his troubles, make him REALLY drunk. Have the bartender toss him out or call him a cab. Make him forget his coat. Maybe hook the reader a bit more by getting inside James' head and drop some hints as to why he's getting plastered.

If he's just gone out to unwind, you might want to think about starting the action after he leaves the bar. Same thing goes, though. Tell us more about why he needed a good, stiff drink or five.


Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wbriggs
Member
Member # 2267

 - posted      Profile for wbriggs   Email wbriggs         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
THe problem, as I see it, is that you haven't told us yet why we should read the story. You give us detail on the actions and dialog, but we don't know what matters, yet.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The Fae-Ray
Member
Member # 3084

 - posted      Profile for The Fae-Ray           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
" Shaking his head, James rubbed his finger against the cool glass, watching the amber liquid slosh around.

“You going to look at it all night or you want another?” "


If James is watching the amber liquid slosh around his glass, then the glass isn't empty and the bartender shouldn't be asking if he wants another one. Otherwise he's taking advantage of the drunk guy.


Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2