This is the begining to something that came from a flash challenge at Liberty Hall.
And yes, Mike, I have done more to it, but will finish it sometime this weekend.
So any nits you find, please let me know.
The genre I'm going for is sort of horror/suspense or something of the sort. 551 words so far.
The first 13 is a bit drab, but it does get going after a bit.
James Ellis looked at his frosty mug that sat on the bar at his favorite pub. Glancing up, he saw the scornful frown of Mike, the bartender. Shaking his head, James rubbed his finger against the cool glass, watching the amber liquid slosh around.
“You going to look at it all night or you want another?”
“I think that I’m done for now, Mike. The misses will be mad if I’m late again. You know how that goes,” James said getting up from his stool. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out more than enough money to pay for his drinks and laid it on the wooden bar. Slightly staggering from being drunk, James made his way to where his new wool coat hung. Shrugging it on, he opened the door and bid the pub a good evening by waving his hand as he shut the door behind him.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2006).]
Hm. I think the writing's good, but I don't know anything about the story yet. If I were you, I would consider adding some plot or something into the first 13 - I know it probably comes in later, but we're only allowed to look through a peephole, not open the whole door to your story (Does this make sense? Lol). Hope this helps, and good luck with the story! =)
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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I'm moderately interested, but I need something to happen very soon. This smells of the "waking up and it's a beautiful morning" syndrome. that kind of opening only works if you can quickly show that it isn't such a beautiful morning afer all. Since I don't know what happens next, I don't know whether or not you've made a mistake.
"Slightly staggering from being drunk, James made... "
This is not worded well, I think. He's in a bar, I know why he's staggering.
It's a nice scene, but a bit "generic." There seems to be some tension between James and the bartender in the first paragraph which evaporates when they start talking.
In fact there appears to be a lot of that. First, I think he's a guy drinking his troubles away, but in the middle he sounds like he's just having a quiet drink to unwind. Then toward the end it sounds like he should be drunker than he is.
If he's drinking to forget his troubles, make him REALLY drunk. Have the bartender toss him out or call him a cab. Make him forget his coat. Maybe hook the reader a bit more by getting inside James' head and drop some hints as to why he's getting plastered.
If he's just gone out to unwind, you might want to think about starting the action after he leaves the bar. Same thing goes, though. Tell us more about why he needed a good, stiff drink or five.
THe problem, as I see it, is that you haven't told us yet why we should read the story. You give us detail on the actions and dialog, but we don't know what matters, yet.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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" Shaking his head, James rubbed his finger against the cool glass, watching the amber liquid slosh around.
“You going to look at it all night or you want another?” "
If James is watching the amber liquid slosh around his glass, then the glass isn't empty and the bartender shouldn't be asking if he wants another one. Otherwise he's taking advantage of the drunk guy.