posted
Fantasy, 6700 words and in the final stages of revision. Does this opening work? Is there anything unclear? Would you read more?
I'm also looking for readers for the whole thing.
Thanks in advance!
quote: For fifteen years after his wife found her doe-skin under the floorboards and ran away, Lesper waited for her to come back. He would go into the dark places of the forest, next to the pools where the deer herds gathered, and watch them drink, hoping one of them would turn human. Hoping it would be her, smiling at him, telling him she had been wrong to return to the forest. He knew it was foolishness, but still he waited.
On the third day of the fifteenth year, he found a lone doe-girl near the edge of the forest, slumped against a tree. She was breathing hard, and her discarded skin lay at her feet.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 04, 2006).]
posted
I would make only the smallest change--delete "and ran away" from the first sentence. It's really not needed. By eliminating it, you intrigue the reader even more.
posted
Great opening, Silver3. I agree you can cut the 'and ran away' part. I really wish I could do a full critique for you, since this promises to be as good as the last story I critiqued, but alas I haven't the time right now. Good luck with it!
Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Am I correct in thinking ms format is not the same in Europe and in the US? What I posted here was 13 lines in Courier New on my page (well, 13 and a bit, because otherwise the sentence would have made no sense), and yet part of it was cut out. The margins are different, perhaps?
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I think I'd like to see a little more despondency from the MC. I think there's a bit of a disconnect between the first sentence and all the rest. First, he's waiting for her to come back, which carries the suggestion he's just sitting in his cabin looking wistfully out the window. For the rest of the opening, though, he's actively searching through the forest.
Maybe try changing the first line to read something like: "For fifteen years after his wife found the doe-skin under the floorboards and disappeared, Lesper spent his days searching the dark places of the forest." It doesn't declare outright that the doe-skin is hers, and puts a bit more mystery into her disappearance. And by having Lesper search for her, it implies more of a bond between them, thus giving us a bit more empathy with his loss.
quote:Am I correct in thinking ms format is not the same in Europe and in the US? What I posted here was 13 lines in Courier New on my page (well, 13 and a bit, because otherwise the sentence would have made no sense), and yet part of it was cut out. The margins are different, perhaps?
I think the paper size is different, European paper is a bit longer and a bit narrower, so 1-inch margins will not allow for as many words on a line of European paper.
I would have thought this would mean that someone posting from Europe would be allowed a bit more than 13 lines, though, because more words will fit on America paper.
posted
Er...that would sound logical... I went back and checked that I actually had 1-inch margins (close, I have 2.5 cm, and I don't think the extra 0.04 cm is that big, and in any case I don't have finer divisions than 0.25 cm). The 13 lines still come up to what I originally posted. Ah well...guess this is one of life's little mysteries Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Yeah. It is rather arbitrary. Sorry about that. I'm trying to be the same with everyone.
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posted
Intriguing beginning. I would be willing to read, Silver3, if you still need the help. Email me at: buce@charter.net
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Isn't A4 wider and shorter than US Letter?* It means there is more on an A4 13 lines than a US letter 13. I've been told I was over the limit even though I followed the guidelines, so I go for twelve lines now.
*Elan could tell us.
just a little note:
quote:...hoping one of them would turn human. Hoping it would be her, smiling at him, telling him she had been wrong to return to the forest. He knew it was foolishness, but still he waited.
The hoping/Hoping lines seem to be a repeat of the same idea. Come to think about it: Hoping it would be her, smiling at him, telling him she had been wrong to return to the forest, doesn't scan as a sentence for me. Maybe consolidate the two lines into a single, stronger one.
There is something very familiar/folklorish about the idea of the doeskins hidden beneath the floorboards by the human husband, but I cannot put my finger on it. Is it based on a celtic myth?
Have you read Megan Lindholme's Cloven Hooves? If not take the time its a good read.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 09, 2006).]
Um... I could research it for you, but since I never use A4 paper, I haven't the foggiest what it measures. Standard American paper measures 8-1/2" x 11", and that is the basis of document size that I measure the first 13 on....
I have a vague idea that European paper standards are less wide and longer than American paper.
It would be NICE if our American business environment would see that we get on the same page, so to speak, with the rest of the world. Then kids would learn it in school and grow up to know the system as adults.
But until industry standards change and force corporations to spend wads-o-money to retool their machinery, I guess we are stuck being the laughingstock of the world because we can't calculate using the metric system.
posted
Well, you're right US Letter is 5mm wider. A4 is 210 x 297mm. (About an inch longer)
Sorry -- never use US Letter.
PS: Did you know that a standard 'yard' was originally the distance from some old french king's nose to the pinky of his outstretched arm... the standard foot was the length of his foot. (Some dispute this but hey, I'm philosophical, everyone exaggerrates their shoe size-- don't they?)
PPS: How on earth do you use quark xpress using imperial measurements? Do you ignore the measurements bar or is there some simple way?
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 09, 2006).]
posted
Selkies are from Celtic myth, but they're women who turn into seals when they put on their seal skins and in to women when they take their seal skins off.
Robin McKinley wrote a book entitled DEERSKIN, and I think it was based on a fairy tale called "Donkeyskin" about a father who wanted to marry his daughter.
hoptoad, it is based on a recurring fairytale motif in which the husband steals something from a supernatural creature (generally her clothes, or her skin if she's a selkie or such) in order to keep her at home. It was a voluntary allusion. I haven't read Cloven Hooves, but if I can get my hands on it, it sounds like a good read.
Corky: I did read Deerskin. Very good, but we are a long way from selkies here
Cheli: Many thanks for your offer. I'm rewriting it currently, based on the comments I received. Would you mind waiting a few days to read the revision?
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited January 09, 2006).]
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I see that you already have several readers, but if you don't mind one more, I'd love to read it. I always enjoy your work.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Sorry, I was just trying to respond to hoptoad's question about the familiarity and folkorishness of the idea of doeskins hidden under the floorboards.
Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005
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I have never read one of your stories, and this one grabs my interest. However, I am running late on too many critiques. I wish I could read it but it would take me too long to get back to you.
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